Aaron

I'm going to do a BA in Illustration and I have interviews coming up. I'm putting together a book or portfolio work and one or two pieces that I find good have swearing in them.

One is of Jesse from Breaking Bad that says his catchphrase 'B*tch'

Any advice?

I'll try keep this short but lately I feel my depression has gotten worse. I'm transgender so it only adds to this mix and a lot of therapists and counsellors don't understand so I almost fear them. To sum it up it's like this:

- Feeling inadequate at work, college etc

- Fear of getting fired for mistakes

- Blank, vacant feeling

- Desire to sit in bed all day and avoid things

- Panic attacks before work

- Self harm and urges to self harm

- Lack of motivation (school work)

- Increased anger and bitterness (very short tempered)

Those are the main points. I've been on anti-depressants before but they weren't for me, they made me feel emotions differently. I didn't express things very much, watching charity videos didn't move me etc.

I've had therapy before too but when I was 16-17, I'm 18 now. They told me my gender issue was 'just a teenage thing' and private gender clinics have told me my childhood was 'too androgynous' for them and I was rejected for possible hormone treatment, unless I paid more for private counselling from them (not affordable).

I'm on the NHS waiting list for gender services but I feel hopeless, no one wants to listen to me. It's either 'you're not this', 'you're not that', or 'get over it'.

I've considered going to Mind but even so, I fear the reaction and friends/family probably don't want to hear it anymore.

Thanks and please if you have nothing decent to say, don't say it. You can be a little harsh I'm used to that but don't be nasty.

Now I don't want to be that person that says 'how much will it hurt?' because it hurts and I understand that. Part of me was wondering how much it hurts in comparison to certain things so I can prepare myself a little for what I'm going to feel.

I'm not too fussed by pain. If I cut myself or hurt myself I'll normally poke and prod it and make it bleed more. I'm a picker out of habit so I have scars all over my back from picking acne until it became almost unbearable and sore. I've also self harmed in the past to the point of having raised, thick scars on the top of my leg, just under that sensitive bit of skin near your groin.

I'll admit the self harm was bad and the scars could have used stitches at the time so they are about half a cm thick and raised now they've healed (over a year old). I became numb to that pain which was this sort of dull stinging achy feeling.

I'm fine with injections and stuff and I've had my lip/eyebrow done in one sitting, they kinda hurt but it didn't last long.

I'll probably be ok with it but if it's in comparison to any of these, it might help to know :)

Lately, for the past few months, whenever I shut down my computer I get told that a program is still running. It has the same logo as Cyberlink cam but instead of saying Cyberlink it has something like { with a string of numbers and possibly letters. I've never had a good enough look as it shuts itself down before I get to.

My webcam light is not on and this appears when I haven't used my webcam at all.

AVG hasn't picked up anything and I was wondering if it's something to worry about

Thanks

I've never actually had a middle name so I'm going to put this in the baby names section (you're always full of ideas!) and see what people think of what I've thought of already or any other suggestions you might have :)

Aaron Isiah Poole

Aaron Alexander Poole (

Aaron Edward Poole (this one does have some significance)

Aaron Everett Poole

Aaron Alekai Poole (pronounces al-ek-kai, rhymes with sky)

Aaron Evan Poole

Aaron Sidney/Sydney Poole (my great grandfather's name)

Those are the names I can think of at the moment but any input would be appreciated!

Although do note that I am British so it's unusual to have an American sounding name like Isiah so I'm slightly wary of those