iamtunestunes

When I'm at home I find myself saying: "HOLY ****! I'M NEGLECTING MY FRIENDS!".

When I'm with my friends I find myself saying: "HOLY ****! My life is a mess! My friends can't see me this way!"

I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my friends if they go on seeing me stuck in shame, anxiety and negativity. When I show myself to be pathetic in front of my friends, they try to support me and do something to reassure me of our bond but I have continually taken that support and turned into shame telling myself "I am not deserving of such love and support". That wouldn't so such a big problem if I also didn't have a sense of self loathing cynicism that bleeds out onto my friends. Most of the time, I become paralyzed with fear that I'll either offend someone or do or say something that will indulge my sense of self pity (because my complaints are always the same ones: "I can't do this or that" or "I ****** up and have GOTTA do this or that"). I've been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for a few months now and have full emotional support from my family (they are willing to help me do anything I want). My parents, especially, have been very sympathetic to the internal struggles I go through. I feel so showered with love that I often feel jaded. When I start getting jaded I relapse into feeling negatively about myself and then feeling negatively about the world as well. I even find myself looking for faults in my own mother (who, anyone who's met my mother, is mother/woman of the year). This causes me to express myself less (because if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it all) and creates great frustration inside me. I find myself saying "I want to just be free to speak my mind but what's on my mind is usually negative!"

So, until I come to a point where I'm comfortable with myself and can return to a more grateful,positive and courageous me, what do I do about seeing friends? I don't want to lose them from constantly showing them apathy and resentment when I lose control of my mood and mind and I don't wan't to lose them from losing communication until I'm done fixing my life. Any advice will help, GOD bless.