boris the spider

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be effing stupid of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

i have a hornby model train that needs a capacitor. how do i find out what rating i need

with christmas on the way i decided to heed the don't drink and drive warnings

so i decided to leave the car at the pub and take a bus home..i was so pleased

with myself as i'd never driven a bus before

my budgie feel off it's pearch the other day braking hie leg

so i made a splint for him out off swan vesta matches

oh you should have seen hie little face light up when he tried

to walk

how can i unlock my old phone from vodaphone to 02 free of a 29.99 charge

any ideas for the time to pick crabapples ,making cider or jam.please. (prefer cider)

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?

You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."

"Its all right boys," shouts the barman "He's one of us."

i got pulled up by the cops at midnight last night. the officer said where were you between 6 and 11 i thought for a moment then remembered .. I replied Primary School !!

L reg cavalier .2.0lt 8 valve. new rotor arm fitted

revs up to 4000 rpm then sounds like it's being muffled

loss of power .recently change the clutch

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE*

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They

couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just

walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a

gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of

chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a

problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603

Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that

house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the

goose in your other hand?''

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be

there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely

widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the

alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your

way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of

paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you

up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put

the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens !!!!!!!!!!

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the pavement below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Looking closer he noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

Fred started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. Fred thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

Fred asked “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said “I’m not happy; my **** is itchy.”

anyone got ideas

my greenhouse has no elecrtic feed ( but it could at a push )

it is 10 x 8 just need to bring the temp up a bit

al capone left the shoe shop in a pair of hand made italian leather shoes

(spats and all) .on leaving a dirty big black boarding house tom cat pounced on

them and ripped them to bits.al not a very happy chappie by this time ,left standing

in his tattered socks and a pair of laces ,demands the cat is caught and brought

to him .

after a few days and many cats later al is getting p1ssed off,when one of his henchmen

runs in holding a dirty great big black tom cat by the throat and says.........

pardon me al

is that the cat that chewed your new shoes

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

what film is this from she is walking up the staircase, she turns and says, fasten your seatbelt. it's going to be a bumpy ride.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a ******* brick wall!"

Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit-

but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

"Great" said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'