Ashlee

hey everyone.

Im 17 years old, and im not sure what to do. My life seems great from the outside in, but noone really knows my story. I have the most amazing friends who are very supportive, and a family who's fully supportive and loving as well. I excel in sports such as softball, soccer and dirtbike riding. And i also do well in school, and working toward a full ride scholar ship, after my senior year coming up in fall. But no matter how good everything sounds i cant pin point the reason I still have this feeling. I thought it started when i had my knee surgery 2 years ago. I had 2 surgeries and a third one (which was cancelled later do to random healing) to fix my knee after i completely tore my ACL, fractured my knee cap, tore my meniscis and got a "frozen" knee from 1 twist i made in soccer, which prevented ANY movement for 5 months. During all surgeries I got highly addicted to the pain medication to the point where i was in bed for those 6 months. Oxy, perkicet, vicodine, norco, you name it i was on it. I was on suicide watch because i took 9 perkicets to try to kill myself but i was then was cleared after a few months after my last successful surgery, but every sence i havent been right. for the next year i abused my extra refills to get high during class and any opportunity to get away from the pain.

My emotions flip, even when the situations small. I just started cutting my wrist when im alone and upset at night about 5 months ago because it has gotten so much worse. To prevent myself from cutting ive got into "thizz", drinking a lot, and smoking black and milds frequently to calm me down or bring me up. i freak out over everything, but 24 hours later i take it back. My sports have been hanging in the balance because now i seem to have no energy to practice or even try. over the last year its been getting a whole lot worse. All my friends know and can tell im depressed and think i need help. And some of them know my past, and everything ive gone threw and knows im into some serious stuff if i keep this going. Ive Sleep for days at a time after i crash from all the substance abuse. And i dont want to quit the substances either, I love the feeling i get because i finally feel happy. I feel very very lonely, even tho everyones trying to be around me. I pray all the time, and it hasn't helped.

Ive had a terrible child hood that lasted till now. I was raped by 5 boys for over 3 years, from 3rd grade till 5th grade. and was recently raped again a few months ago by a 28 year old who drugged me. Ive also been drugs and taken advantage of 3 more times in the last year but wasn't raped.

Ive told my doctor i need help but i dont want to speak to anyone because i cant see it helping at all. i just need something, but i dont know what. for over a year now i haven't wanted to live any longer, or see my future, i just want to end it all. I know everyone loves me, because i care about everyone more than i love myself and i have a HUGE heart.. but i think everyone could do better without me, Just the sooner the better, ya know? My doctor said i should be fine, and maybe i should talk about my feelings, but i think it goes deeper than that. I havent told her about my child hood in fear of her telling my mom. Im VERY good at hiding my feelings, and leing so i know my mom doesnt notice anything. Besides she has a lot more to worry about than me. I just dont want her to look at me differently. She doesnt know my past either. Im the middle child of the family, and the only one who has a scholarship in softball in line for college, and the only child doing something with there life, and she expects more out of me, and i dont want to disappoint her. so what should i do......

someone please help me.