Snakeater

I built a fortress on Minecraft, and I'd like to be able to share it with my friends on Servercraft. I'm not sure how to upload it. Any help?

I'm trying to download a very large file online (129 MB to be precise), but I'm not sure its safe. I was told a while ago that copying-and-pasting files over the internet can be dangerous, because if you exceed a certain amount, your internet shuts down for about a month by the company providing the internet service. I'm curious if this pertains to downloading in general, not just copying-and-pasting.

I got a ps2 a little while ago. I don't use it very often, but about yesterday, I tried to play a DVD in it, and the previous owner had it locked. So now, anything with a Pg-13 or higher rating is off limits, and apparently, the guy who gave it to me locked it to stop his kids from watching something awful on it, and doesn't remember what the password is. I'm not a ten year old kid trying to get over my parents restrictions, I can promise that, I just want to watch my movies. Is there some kind of bypassing element to it?

Name brands... not really what I'm looking for.

I got an eight-year-old convertible the other month, and I'm worried the top will tear, because I live in hot, dry, conditions. What do I apply on it to prevent this from happening? I'm getting a cover, I just wanted to know what else I should get.

This is in the J&R section, I'm surprised no one is noticing that.

A man lived in an apartment, and one day, he invited his mother over for dinner.

She sits down, and she asks:

"Is anyone else showing up?"

"Yeah, my roommate's joining us when they get here."

They wait a little while, and when his roommate shows, she is surprised to learn that his roommate is a young lady, to which he promptly responds:

"I know what you're thinking, but we're just roommates. Nothings happening."

They sit down and eat dinner, after wards his mother leaves. The next day, his roommate is looking through the kitchen, and says to him:

"I can't find my soup ladle anywhere, do you know where it is?"

"I dunno."

"I think your mom took it."

He writes her a letter, which reads:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying you stole it, but my roommate's soup ladle has gone missing and we can't find it. Do you know where it is?

She responds a week later:

Dear son,

I'm not saying you are sleeping with your roommate, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you'd notice that it was under your pillow.

Just roommates, huh?

Lesson learned: Never lie to your mother, you're probably not that smart.

A psychologist calls in three women and asks them to bring their children in to be evaluated. One woman brings in her two sons, one brings in her two daughters, and one woman brings in three sons.

After asking them and their children numerous questions, he draws up some results one evening. The next day, he calls all of them in to hear the results.

The doctor sits down in front of the three women and their combined total of seven children.

"Well, your children are as healthy as can be, but I've noticed some irregularities in YOUR behavior." The third woman shifts nervously in her seat.

He turns to the first woman.

"Mrs. Flockhart, you clearly have an obsession with sports. You named your two sons Eli and Peyton."

He turns to the second woman. The third woman clearly feels somewhat uncomfortable.

"Mrs. Gambini, you are a morbidly materialistic woman. You named your two daughters Penny and Mercedes."

The doctor turns to the third woman, but before he can speak, she quickly shouts:

"Dick! Willy! Johnson! Let's get the hell out of here!"

I asked if it would be too racy if I told a Michael Jackson joke on here. I was informed it would be alright, so I'll tell them in the future. Here's one, tell me what you think. Like I said, don't flag me, and to warn you, it may be a bit long.

Michael Jackson walks into a surgeon's office one day. He walks in, approaches the doctor's secretary, and says:

"Um, hello. I'd like to donate my body to science. Do you know how I could do that?"

"Sure, just fill out these forms." She hands him some documents, and gives them to him, which he promptly completes.

The next day, he walks into the office, approaches the secretary and says:

"Can I donate my body now?"

"Uh, you've filled out the forms, right?"

"Yes."

"Not now."

"Then when?"

"We take your body after you pass away."

"Oh, alright." Silence, and then:

"Are you suggesting we put you under?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Aren't you scared?"

"No, not at all. I believe in reincarnation."

She lets him in and talks to the surgeon, who agrees with Michael's proposition. He lays him on a table and says:

"Aren't you nervous?"

"Well, it's for a good cause, so I don't mind."

"But you'll die."

"I believe in reincarnation, so I'm not going anywhere."

"What do you think you'll be next time?" He gives the surgeon a strange look:

"How should I know? I don't even know what the **** I am this time!"

Michael Jackson died a little while ago, and before he did, he was a magnet for one-liners, long jokes, and other such things. I notice fewer and fewer people post them now that he's gone though.

I myself got an idea for a Michael Jackson joke tp post on here, but I'm not sure if I should. It's not dirty or anything, and everyone I've told it to likes it and says I should post it, but I dunno. I've made Catholic jokes and the like (myself being Catholic, ha ha) without worrying, but is it too soon? Does a joke stop being funny if the person in it dies? I have a feeling there's gonna be plenty of Bush jokes in the future, even if something happened to him today.

Tell me if I've told this one before.

George Bush was walking over a bridge in the middle of a park one day, when all of a sudden, the boards supporting his weight broke. He immediately sank into the water and, being unable to swim, cried for help.

Three kids saw him struggling, ran into the water, and pulled him out. He said:

"Wow kids, that was really nice of you. is there anything I can do for you guys to make it up to you?

The first one said:

"Yeah, I've never been to Disneyland, and I'd really like to go."

"Alright then, I'll fly you there on my private airplane, for you and your whole family."

The second one said:

"My mom's car broke down a long time ago, and now she has no way to get around town."

"Alright, I'll get her a brand-spanking new car to replace the one she lost, her choice."

The third child wasn't sure what he wanted, and after thinking about it for a minute, he answered:

"I would like a top-of-the-line wheel chair, with an A/C, surround sound, a DVD player, and a mini-fridge."

"Alright, I can get that for you. But, why would you want it? You're not handicapped?"

"I will be after my dad finds out I just saved your sorry @$$."

Johnny was a boy who was renowned for having exceptionally bad manners, so his parent enroll him in an etiquette class at school.

The teacher, Ms. Henshaw, says to him:

"Alright, you're on a date and you have to use the bathroom. It's important that you do not try to be vulgar or say anything that would seem unappealing. What do you say?"

"Um...I have to take a piss?"

"That's not right, too gross. Trying saying something else."

"I have to use the restroom?"

"Better, but you could improve. Try making an implication. Now, what do you say."

"Hmm... oh! I've got it!"

"Well?"

"Please excuse me for a moment. I'm off to shake hands with an old friend of mine, one I was hoping I could introduce you to sometime later this evening."

The teacher fainted.

One day, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new Lionel Train Set in the living room. She listens to all the strange things he might say, but as she's standing there, she hears:

"All of you b*tches and b*stards who want off, get off now, we've arrived in Mayberry! All of you b*tches and b*stards who are getting ON, get your @$$es onboard, cause we're departing to Nutley in five minutes!"

The mother, enraged at hearing this, storms into the other room and says:

"We don't use that kind of language in this household! I want you to sit in THAT corner for two hours. And when you get back, I don't want to hear any more language like that again. Understand?"

The boy sits in the corner for two hours, and when he gets back, he starts playing with his train set again. His mother heard:

"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She smiles confortably and continues listening:

" For those who are boarding, please stow your belongings in the designated areas, including under your seat and in the overhead compartments."

The mother continued her business with contentfully:

"...and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the stupid b*tch in the kitchen!."

Who's would it be? Specific organs, specific people.

My idea would be Daryl Hall's vocal cords.

A drunk mexican guy walks out of a bar after an evening getting hammered with his buddies (this is not a race joke). As he's wandering down the street trying to get a cab, he spots a can of Miller. He says to himself:

"Well, I'm not THAT smashed. I can take another one."

He picks it up and opens it. A genie pops out and says to him:

"I'm just a novice, so you may have only one wish. What is it?"

"I dunno, um.....I wish I could p*ss tequila."

"Wow, I haven't heard that before. And so, it shall all be done when you return home."

He catches a cab, goes home, and crashes on his couch. He gets up the next morning, goes to the bathroom, and takes a leak. As he's doing it, he notices that where there should be a stream of urine, there is pure, high grade tequila. He fills a shot glass full of it, and takes a swig. No saltiness or any other gross stuff, just pure tequila.

His wife comes home after work that evening. He tells her about it, and gives her a shot. Then, they start a tradition: every evening when they return home from work, they do three shots of tequila before going to bed. They do this for years: lining up the shots, distributing it, and pounding them down.

One day, the wife comes home a little while after the husband does, and she notices there are no shots lined up. She asks:

"Honey, how come there aren't any shots today."

He walks up to her, puts his arm around her, looks her in the eye and says:

"Baby, tonight you're drinking from the bottle...."

I can't remember the last time I posted twice in one day, but today I feel like doing it.

This might not be the best one I've got, but tell me what you think.

A woman walks into an H&R Block and sits down. The man on the other side of the desk asks:

"What do you need from me, young lady?"

"I was hoping you could help me file my taxes."

He helped her out for a while, answering questions and the like, until...

"Alright, now what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, I'm a prostitute."

"You're a prostitute?"

"Yes, that's right."

"I can't put that on here, do you do something else for a living?"

"Not really, I work full time."

"Well, I need you to leave, then I want you to come back tomorrow and tell me what I'm going to put on here as an occupation."

She leaves and comes back the next day.

"Well, what do you have for me?"

"I figured it out! I'm a chicken farmer."

"Why are you a chicken farmer?"

"Well, I did raise a thousand c@cks last year..."

An overweight blonde lady walks into her doctor's office, and sits down in front of him. She says:

"Doctor, I'm severely overweight and I want to put it off. Can you give me any advice?"

He looks her over, runs some tests, and says to her:

"Well, I've got something for you. I want you to run miles a day, and talk to me in a month. If that doesn't work out, I'll give you something else to do."

She leaves. A month later, the doctor gets a call on his cellphone. This is the conversation:

Doctor: "Hello? Who is this?"

Blondie: "This is Ms. Henshaw, remember? I'm the overweight lady who talked to you a month ago? I've got a problem with what you gave me to do."

D: "Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you lose the weight? I was pretty sure it would work."

B: Oh, no, it worked out fine. I put off the weight and kept it off. It's just that now I'm three-hundred miles from my house and I don't know how to get back."

There was a very fancy, seventy-story office building erected in the middle of a major city one day. In this building, there were many places of business, but there were also recreational and shopping areas for workers who would like to relax after or between shifts.

The penthouse of this building was a bar stocked with some of the highest quality booze you could get your hands on. An accountant named David Henshaw went in, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink. A little while later, a tall, dark haired man came and sat next to him.

"We're seventy stories off the ground. You know that right?"

"Yeah," Henshaw said. "I know."

"Did you know that the winds are so strong that if you jump out that window right there, they will let you drop until you reach the thirtieth floor, where they will pick you up, sweep you around, and drop you through the exact same window?"

"I don't believe that."

"Oh yeah? Watch this."

The dark haired man took off his coat, took a running start, and jumped out the window, Henshaw watching. He dropped to the thirtieth floor, swept back up, and flew right through the open window he jumped out of.

"Wow, that's amazing! But I'd never risk my life like that."

"Oh yeah?"

He jumps back out the window, fell down to the thirtieth floor, flew back up, and flew through the open window.

"Well, the evidence just keeps piling up, but I still can't pull myself to do it."

Without a word, the dark haired man jums out again, falls down to the thirtieth floor, sweeps back up, and goes right through the open window for the third time.

"Oh...what the hell?

Henshaw gets up, puts down his drink, runs out the open window, falls straight down, passes the thirtieth floor, and makes contact with the sidewalk.

The bartender looks at the dark haired man and says:

"You know Superman, you can be a real d*ck sometimes..."

I read this the other day in an e-mail. Tell me what you think.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

I heard this one from my dad, and I haven't spoken to him since:

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. He's completely miserable, so St. Peter asks him:

"What's wrong Mr. Zebra?"

"I've always wondered: am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

"I dunno, why don't you ask God?"

"You mean I can just go up and ask him?"

"Sure, he's right over there."

He points to a guy in a wheelchair with a DECtalk device. The zebra walks up to him and says:

"Umm... God...am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

He punches in:

"YOU..ARE...WHAT...YOU...ARE."

He walks away. St. Peter asks him:

"How did it go?"

"I dunno, he said 'you are what you are'."

"Oh, then you're white with black stripes."

"How is that true?"

"Well he said 'you are what you are'. If you were black with white stripes, he would've said 'you is what you is'."

Do not laugh at this joke, it is not funny. If you do, I swear on all that is holy, I will throw a hissy fit.

DON'T LAUGH!

I've posted more jokes than anybody I know (I don't know al ot of people) and I think I've heard almost everything there is to hear. I will give ten, beautiful, points (free of charge) to anybody who can tell me a funny joke I haven't heard before. I say "anybody" because I assume that I will only receive one. Feel free to prove me wrong.