ZEBEDEE

I play backgammon a lot and subsequently it is necessary for me to move my mouse a lot; however, it tends to stick a lot and it can become quite frustrating at times. I have used different materials under it and would like to know what is the best way to prevent this.

Do I need to obtain another mouse? and if so, which one?

Knock knock

Who's there?

I give up

Ah, you're French then.

Twenty, one to hold the bulb up and the other nineteen to keep drinking until the room starts spinning.

They will now be known as stretch Marks.

I went out to buy the new Dido Album the other day, but being the dyslexic idiot that I am.....

I ended up buying A bum dildo.

My wife bought a whole range of those anti-ageing cosmetics yesterday, then spent the entire afternoon in front of the mirror applying various creams and potions to just about every part of her body. Later that evening, she came downstairs and said to me "Be honest darling - how old do I look?"

I replied, "From your skin - 18; from your hair - 25; from your figure - 20."

"Gee honey, you're in a flattering mood tonight," she said.

"Hang on a sec," I said, "I haven't added them up yet."

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They’re moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

An Irish 7 course meal.

A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was...

"had a great time"

then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?"

the cannibal replies,

"it was a self catering holiday!"

A guy walks into a bar with a dog.

The barman looks at the dog and asks what sort of dog it is.

"It's a mongol," replies the guy.

"No, I think you'll find that it's a mongrel," responds the barman.

"No, It's a mongol," replies the guy.

"No, really, I think you'll find that it's a mongrel," answers the barman.

"No, It's a mongol," replies the guy.

"No, the word for a mixed breed dog is a mongrel," says the barman strongly.

The guy looks at the barman and says, "look, it's a bloody mongol and I'll prove it."

The guy then looks at the dog, points to the floor and says, "Down, Syndrome."

My girlfriend had spent three hours getting ready for a romantic dinner with me.

She said to me: "Now, do I look like a million dollars or what?"

I replied: "Well.. perhaps a million Zimbabwean dollars.."

Needless to say, she dumped me.

I was having the most amazing sex with Angelina Jolie earlier... until I got kicked out of Madame Tussauds for defiling the models.

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion

2: Sexuality

3: Mystery

Below is the only A* essay.

"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

After a recent survey, it was discovered that the wives of bus drivers couldn't get pregnant.

It was later discovered that bus drivers developed a habit of pulling out unexpectedly.

You know, two firemen sliding a big hose down a blonde woman's throat and spraying white stuff...

I say this because there are now Aborigines quite high up the social scale in Australia, Doctors, Professors etc, learned men. I mean who would have believed there would be a black US President less than 150 years after the abolition of slavery and less than 50 years after the famous ' I have a dream' speech by Martin Luther King Jnr.

We love to hate the Welsh and the Scottish, I was wondering if Americans felt the same way about say, Canada and Mexico?

I've heard it mentioned many times on this site in derogatory terms, I was just wondering.....