Bronnii

the suicidal thoughts have been hanging around for 5 1/2 weeks now - since my 8yo son passed away from a brain tumour. He was my everything (his dad & sister are both deceased) & now I have nothing. I have no friends since his death - have been deserted by everyone as my grief is too much for them to handle.

I have known mental illness (diagnosed with borderline personality disorder many years ago as well as major depression & anxiety issues) & it has had a massive impact on my life - the only positive was working out what I wanted to do with life & doing it.

Tonight though, I can't help think - I have nothing in this world. I know exactly how I would end my life & see no reason anymore not to. How do you find something to hold onto when there really is nothing?

My only living child passed away a couple of weeks ago. I already suffer from depression, self harm & suicidal ideation (have borderline personality disorder) & have just come out of hospital yesterday (it is now 3am here) due to the suicidal ideation & plans, largely I think because they were trying to empty out the psych ward ready for the christmas influx.

I have 2 children I have buried & my partner & have come home to an empty house (other than my dog). I thought I could handle being home but I was so wrong - so many reminders of how desparately alone I am now & that it is christmas. I can't celebrate it & just don't want to go on.

I really don't know what to do. I have already called the after hours acute team who just told me to take some extra valium & seroquel to try to get to sleep. Done that hasn't helped. I don't want to call again & the hospital is an hour away from here.

I am at a total loss as to how to get through the next few days & then what would have been my son's 7th birthday in early Jan. I've tried implementing mindfulness/distraction/self soothing techniques but they aren't working whatsoever as I'm just totally beyond that point.

My 6 year old son passed away from cancer a few days ago. He is the 2nd child I have lost (my firstborn daughter was stillborn). I suffer from borderline personality disorder & have major depressive episodes related to it. How am I meant to get through this time when I was already receiving a heap of extra support from my mental health team & other organisations. It feels like the only option left is hospitalisation but that is not an option with a funeral to organise & go to etc. I am all alone now as family are not in my life, I have very few friends & none who live closeby & my son's father passed away when I was pregnant. I feel totally lost & alone & like nothing is enough to help anymore - before I at least had caring for my son to help.

I have just found out that my 11 month old puppy has a torn cruciate ligament in her knee (it was noted when she was desexed by the vet that there was something in the area but it didn't appear to be bothering her until the past few days). I am tossing up about having the knee reconstruction surgery done since my pet insurance only covers a small portion of the cost of the surgery & I really can't afford the rest.

Does anyone know how successful knee reconstructions are in dogs & whether she is likely to have lifelong issues with the knee or be more at risk of tearing any other cruciate ligaments? I know she will basically lose the use of the leg to arthritis if the surgery isn't done but just wondering about when it is done.

who are somewhat stable be capable of treating patients who suffer from the disorder?

It is what I am studying towards doing, knowing how hard it is to find mental health professionals who are both willing & able to treat patients with BPD. I am about halfway through the required study to register as a psychologist & it was my intention to train as a DBT clinician, however a recent relapse which is lasting a long time & has been severe in nature, particularly with the self harm/suicidal ideation aspects, has made me question whether I would really be capable of it.

I myself have done DBT & for 6 months before my relapse both my psychiatrist & psychologist were happy with where I was at but now I'm really questioning whether I'm just setting myself up to fail.

I am receiving treatment for BPD & lately have been going through another major depressive episode - quit a good high paying job, dropped out of my study units & generally throwing life away. We know the cause - my son has cancer & does not have long left as well as having some vivid memories & nightmares of childhood sexual abuse.

Last night I had a major meltdown that ended in some pretty severe self harm, which in reality was the only alternative I saw to suicide. After having it stitched up last night I have an appt with my psychiatrist later today.

I just don't know what more I can do. I have done DBT & finished that course - helped understand myself more but didn't help reduce self harm. I have done CBT as well for the past 2 years since diagnosed. I see my psychologist 2 x each week atm as well as nightly contact from the acute care team & try to do as they suggest but I just don't care enough anymore. I have been seeing my psychiatrist weekly. I take my meds as prescribed. I know all the tools that supposedly help but just can't apply them to my life.

I just don't know what more I can do, how to stop this spiral that I know isn't going to end well if I don't put a stop to it. I know only I can change it but I just don't know how anymore when I've got to such a dark place again. Suggestions anyone?

My psychiatrist today has decided that I need another admission to a psych ward - something which after careful consideration over the past 24 hours I agree with & would now agree to go voluntarily (earlier today I had told him it would have to be done involuntarily but I've changed my mind). The problem now though - there are no beds available.

I have been elevated to being cared for by the acute (crisis) team in the interim but am scared about keeping myself safe especially when a huge part of my problem is being at high risk of another psychosis due to no sleep (I've had 4 hours sleep in 10 days due to a fear of sleep/insonmia despite medication to correct it).

so how do I keep myself safe. I know I have all the phone assistance in the world & the acute team member has just left my house, but I'm really worried about the suicidal thoughts setting in already when it is only just past 7pm & I have a 6yo at home with me. I fear myself when I reach this point as I have a few times in life & it hasn't ended well.

I have borderline personality disorder & lately have been majorly struggling which my mental health team is aware of but my usual treating team are away through illness & holidays (have been for a while). Along with the BPD comes an intense fear of abandonment which I'm feeling at the moment particularly aimed at the mental health team & being manipulative which is what I think I'm being atm.

Over the weekend things were crap but there were somewhat ok because I was having 3 x per day contact with the acute team. Fast forward to today when someone should have called me back again & set up an appt - nothing. Not a word. Now I know I can phone them but by the same token they know I'm not in a good place & that I generally won't call for help.

But tonight, I'm struggling with thoughts of wanting to punish them for not contacting me the only way I know how - by harming myself. I already self harm a lot which they are aware has increased so I know that won't be enough. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts over the past few weeks & I'm running out of reasons not to, especially now that I'm feeling this need to make my mental health team be accountable or something.

How the heck can I get these thoughts out of my mind. I know they are wrong but with how skewed my thinking is I'm scared of my own known impulsiveness when it comes to these things.

I am under the care of a mental health unit & have been for a long time. Because it is associated with the hospital & I have had several psych ward admissions & ED presentations for self harm I am know & it is known I have the care plan (in fact they know me by my voice when I call).

My psychologist has been away sick for 2 weeks & my psychiatrist on holiday for the past week, so basically all those who know me haven't been around. Last night I called the acute team in a crisis situation. Instead of looking at my care plan & actually helping, the person I spoke to instead expected me to remember the meds I'm on, the doses & how much I'd taken. Even after admitting I'd cut significantly & the cuts were still bleeding out of control & I'd take more than the prescribed doses of medication already, got told to take more & hopefully I would fall asleep - the last thing I wanted when the crisis was triggered by a nightmare.

Then today, again care plan not taken into consideration by those who are supposed to be helping, calls not returned until several hours later & not one person has done/said anything at all to help.

So where do you turn when you can't turn off the suicidal thoughts, when the cutting that usually helps no longer does so you cut more & deeper in a desparate effort to try to do anything, using the mindfulness & distress tolerance techniques you know are making the thoughts worse & no one is around who is willing or can actually help.

My psychologist just phoned as we had made arrangements for this week. She was meant to call yesterday - when she forgot to it ended up in me cutting myself reasonably severely & contacting the acute care team last night but hanging up rather than saying anything.

Yet when she apologised I told her it was fine (even when she admitted it was because she forgot) even though it wasn't ok. She knows that I am in a particularly bad place right now which is why we had the phone appt between our weekly appointments.

I had just stopped cutting again when she called, yet told her everything was ok. Now I have to go to my last DBT group session, confirmed with her that yes I would be gong but I just want to crawl in a ball & never have to face the world again.

Why when I'm feeling like that did I make out that things are as ok at they were at my last appt when they aren't. It is completely out of character for me to hide things from her now.

I really don't get it. I am a cutter but no way no how would I ever take photos of it & post them on the net. Why????

I don't even know what to think anymore. I had thought of my dip in mood as a bump in the road on the way to learning to live with borderline personality disorder & the dperession that comes with it. Now though, I'm analysing my psychiatrist appointment I had today.

My psychiatrist didn't even have to bother asking about what my mood was like or how I was feeling - it is obvious just from seeing me. He asked to see my cuts - something he hasn't done in about 9 months even though he has known they have always been there. He gave me little tests for my concentration & memory - both are shot.

Everything points to another major depressive episode, somethings I've pretty much known was happening. But the questions he was asking today & how in depth he was is going down the same road that has always preceeded a hospital admission - talking about suicidal thoughts, what to do when they come, reaffirming that I can contact him, my psychologist & the acute care crisis team whenever needed.

So I guess my question is, for those who have been hospitalised multiple times, once you have started on that spiral towards hospitalisation have you been able to do anything to overcome it before it reaches that phase & what.

FWIW I have just finished a course in DBT, practice mindfulness, breathing exercises, self soothing, distraction techniques etc but at the moment none of these skills are having any effect to reduce the feeling of being in a crisis.

As a brief bit of history, I suffer from borderline personality disorder & as a result frequently self harm & have suicidal ideations as well as major depressive episodes. 6 months ago my 4 yo dog was hit by a car & run over when she chased a fox across the road - my 6 year old son has blamed me every since. We have since got another puppy who is somewhat of a carer for my son who has teminal cancer (otherwise I still wouldn't have another dog yet)- will at the moment she i missing. I was already in a major funk but it has been 5 hours now & I haven't seen or heard from her despite constantly calling her name, walking the streets looking for her & even looking through the bushes next to my place in the dark. Now is the time that the foxes are out & the time of night that my other dog was run over. My son is blaming me that our pup is missing (I was walking her form the car to the front door & she pulled her collar off & took off somewhere). It is after 11pm here & he is still awake screaming abuse at me. I have cut myself from the stress & am finding it is not enough. I don't feel able to implement any of the skills I've spent 2 years learning, like they just can't help. I just cannot deal with losing another dog so soon.

How do I stop the missing dog from sending me into this spiral where I don't trust myself anymore. I'm scared of what I'm capable of when I feel like this, & know that i"m going to be awake all night stressing about it. I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow morning but right now don't know how to get through the night.

I am super stresed out right now. I was meant to have an appointment with my psychologist about now but it was cancelled (for a good reason & I know she had no choice - she is the duty worker today & has to deal with a crisis case that will leave her tied up most of the day). The thing is though I have had a night with some major self harm & suicidal thoughts to the point of refining my plan & now I just want to hurt myself again & don't care how much. Some of the cuts I did last night really should have been medically treated but I didn't bother.

I am in a really bad place right now & had so much I needed to work through before the weekend & now that isn't going to happen. So instead of finding a way to cope with it, I just don't want to be alive still when the weekend comes. I know that she would have been able to help put some plans in place to deal with it at our appt but now that isn't going to happen & I know that I'm gong to struggle to get through to her on the phone.

My son has this week been diagnosed with this as a brain tumour that was believed to be a more treatable form of cancer didn't respond to treatment & started spreading down his spinal cord. I've been given a poor prognosis (less than 10% chance of survival)because of the location of the tumours & lack of response to treatment he's already had) a few treatment options but the most recommended drug (because it has failed to respond to other chemo agents) has some pretty nasty side effects that will affect him life long - my son who was previously assessed as being gifted & talented will most likely have memory & cognition problems. There is also a possibility that because their is a natural barrier between the brain & blood systems that may be the reason that the chemo he has had to date has had no effect - that the medication is not able to reach the tumour.

Anyway, my question is, do you risk brain damage being done in trying to reomve some of the tumour which may or may not buy more time (the tumour is right near the brainstem & several other important areas) or hope that somehow medication can stop the growth even though that hasn't been the case & it is starting to have some effect on coordination etc.

I have spent the past 24 hours really fighting against my suicidal thoughts & plans & in particular not executing them. I have spoken to the acute care mental health team I am associated with several times in that period. I posted a question on here last night about it.

So many people keep telling me to just think of the good in life. There is no good in life though. My ankle is stuffed, my daughter was stillborn, my partner died unexpectedly & now I have been told that my son who is battling brain tumours is terminally ill. Where is there any good in that? I am all alone trying to deal with it, my usual psychologist is on holiday for a month & I am totally over everything. To make matters even more fun I was so much not thinking today that my car ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere & I can't even afford $5 petrol to put in my car to get it home, let alone being able to get to my new job on Monday, so who knows if I'll even get to keep the job, I have no food to eat, only water to drink when I am really really craving coke or something sweet. How the heck are you meant to find anything good in all that.

I am physically & emotionally drained right now. It's 1.25am here, I've had 2 hours sleep in the past 2 days & when I tried to go to sleep before the suicidal ideations came thick & strong, along with really detailed plans taking into account things I have the means to do.

I am so over this happening so often. I know I can get through them, but now I just keep wondering why I bother. Afterall, I'll get through this one & in a few days there will be another one.

Why does life have to suck so much & why can't it just give me a break.

For those who suffer from BPD (diagnosed by a professional, not self diagnosed) do you think you ever get over it or do you just learn to live with it? I ask because I am about 10 weeks off finishing my year of DBT & extensive psychological care program & feel like I have achieved nothing in the past year - I still self harm daily, I still have issues with my own identity, I still suffer from delusions, still feel depressed most of the time & have huge issues with love/hate relationships with all around me - especially my son (6yo). my psychologist (who at the moment I hate because after tomorrow she is going away for a month at a time when my son is having his next scans on his brain tumours & I need her) & my puppy

Once DBT is over I get a choice in whether I think I need another 12 months of interaction with the public mental health system or not which is making me totally freak out. I don't want their interference yet I'm scared of myself & can't work out whether or not that is just a part of the feeling abandoned by the mental health team for suggesting I may be discharged from their care, or whether it is because I am forming an unhealthy relationship with my psychologist.

Yet it has made me anything but.

I have been a SAHM & since being unfairly sacked by my boss 14 months ago & a few months ago started studying psychology.

This time last week I applied for a job in my old field of law - totally spur of the moment decision & a job I very much need - at the moment I can't feed my son & I because I have zero money available. Today I got confirmation that I got the job & am being paid $15 an hour above what I planned on asking for - so basically for working a 2 day week, combined with the money I get for my son (I am a single mum - my son's father passed away while I was pregnant with him) I will be earning more than I previously was when working full time & life will financially be a whole heap easier now.

So why is it that all of a sudden I feel completely incapable of doing a job that actually has less responsibility than my previous job & a lower workload. I just don't feel capable of doing it & the stress of thinking that way has made me cut myself again (I suffer from borderline personality disorder) & suicidal ideations have started in earnest tonight.

Why the heck is something that should be making me feel better making me slide into this helpless heap instead?

I have no idea where to turn to anymore.

I am under the care of the mental health unit here & cannot complain whatsoever about the treatment I have received. I am currently doing DBT through the system which ends in around 4 months. I was told today that at that time whether or not I still need the service will be reviewed but there is scope for another 12 months treatment following DBT.

That, combined with other stuff, has thrown me into complete meltdown mode. I have no job, no money to feed my child & myself, a 6 year old being treated for malignant brain tumours that I'm dealing with on my own & I've just had enough.

Just today I've spoken to my psychologist over the phone for about an hour as well as having our usual appointment & I have spoken to the CAT team (crisis afterhours team) because of having so many suicidal thoughts. Went through the whole treatment plan thing, have tried options on it & still ended up cutting myself. Now that hasn't helped either & I just want to hurt myself more. I don't want to call the CAT team again, I hate having to call them over & over yet I'm still totally strung out & over everything in life.

I really really wish there was a way to just go to sleep & never wake up & have to deal with all the crap.