Jessie

I'm 15 and my family is concerned that I may have developed an eating disorder, I've done some research and I don't know if I do or not.

My eating & excersise habits:

- Eat below 700 calories a day (usually I eat 300-500)

- don't eat at all until dinner when my family are there so they don't think/ know I'm restricting. But I still eat as little as possible and avoid carbohydrates.

- Regularly when I do eat I make myself throw it up (I DO NOT binge before- not bulimia).

-go running daily/ every other day

- everyday I do an hour of combined push-ups, crunches, benching, burpees.

- do 450 jumping jacks a day.

-drink 5L water daily.

-Also my periods have become irregular (2 some months, none other months etc.) And I've started to get really shaky often.

But the thing is... Clinically I'm classed as overweight. Although I have lost approximately 1 stone in weight in one month. I know there are different names and subtypes in/for EDNOS so I was wondering if I had one of them? I'm just confused about it all. And I know about starvation mode so no need to tell me about it and the repercussions :) thankyou anyway though.

I hate looking in the mirror because I'm so fat and I feel like everyone makes fun of me because of it. I hate myself and if I'm thinner maybe I can like myself. Maybe..

Thanks for helping :)

(please don't give me hate, I'm honestly worried about myself and this is why I'm asking the question.)

I'm 15 and I'm concerned that I may have an eating disorder, I've done some research and I don't know if I do or not.

My eating & excersise habits:

- Eat below 700 calories a day (usually I eat 300-500)

- don't eat at all until dinner when my family are there so they don't think/ know I'm restricting. But I still eat as little as possible and avoid carbohydrates.

- Regularly when I do eat I make myself throw it up (I DO NOT binge before- not bulimia).

-go running daily/ every other day

- everyday I do an hour of combined push-ups, crunches, benching, burpees.

- do 450 jumping jacks a day.

-drink 5L water daily.

-Also my periods have become irregular (2 some months, none other months etc.) And I've started to get really shaky often.

But the thing is... Clinically I'm classed as overweight. Although I have lost approximately 1 stone in weight in one month. I know there are different names for EDNOS so I was wondering if I had one of them? I'm just confused about it all. And I know about starvation mode so no need to tell me about it and the repercussions :) thankyou anyway though.

I hate looking in the mirror because I'm so fat and I feel like everyone makes fun of me because of it. I hate myself and if I'm thinner maybe I can like myself. Maybe..

Thanks for helping :)

(please don't give me hate, I'm honestly worried about myself and this is why I'm asking the question).

I'm 15 and I'm concerned that I may have an eating disorder, I've done some research and I don't know if I do or not.

My eating & excersise habits:

- Eat below 700 calories a day (usually I eat 300-500)

- don't eat at all until dinner when my family are there so they don't think/ know I'm restricting.

- Sometimes when I do eat I make myself throw it up (I DO NOT binge before- not bulimia).

-go running daily/ every other day

- do an hour of combined push-ups, crunches, benching, burpees.

- do 450 jumping jacks a day.

-drink 5L water daily.

But the thing is... Clinically I'm classed as overweight. Although I have lost approximately 1 stone in weight in one month. I know there are different names for EDNOS so I was wondering if I had one of them? I'm just confused about it all. And I know about starvation mode so no need to tell me about it and the repercussions :) thankyou anyway though.

I hate looking in the mirror because I'm so fat and I feel like everyone makes fun of me because of it. I hate myself and if I'm thinner maybe I can like myself. Maybe..

Thanks for helping :)

(please don't give me hate, I'm honestly worried about myself and this is why I'm asking the question).

I've always been what it's classed as but never called myself scene... But now I am and my friends all say I have to have myspace? So add me I guess :)

https://myspace.com/jessieefay

Also what Hair colour should I have? Is pink and purple acceptable? And, is just a nose piercing enough?

So this was a week and a bit ago now, and I've been feeling better about it; I'm not planning on trying it again. But my friend who's been helping me through a lot of stuff with self harm and my eating disorder doesn't know... and I think he should because I don't like being dishonest with him, and he will help me- even him knowing my problems seems to help me.

Recently I've been really b*tchy to him without meaning to because I've been so anxious about telling him, so he's stopped talking to me quite as much. And I feel that maybe telling him will let him know that I am his friend, and I do care and I'm sorry. He's always told me to trust him with this stuff but I don't know how... it's not exactly something that comes up in conversation too often.

But I won't get to see him in person soon, so I'll need to message him. What shall I say? Try and be precise, like how would you want someone to tell you something like this?

I want to get a tattoo of a treble clef on the fleshy part of my palm just below the thumb. I think that it will look best on the left hand... BUT you play the treble clef with your right hand...

Will people understand that I just got it because it's a beautiful symbol or will they criticise my choice to get it on my left hand and will I grow to resent my tattoo?

Also... How much do you think it will hurt to get it in this place..? Because palms are traditionally a painful area but beings it's quite a fatty area will it be as bad...? I'm not very good with pain to be honest :/

I have quite a while to think about this because I'm not legally old enough to get one yet, so I want to plan it all out. Thanks xx

I want to get a tattoo of a treble clef on the fleshy part of my palm just below the thumb. I think that it will look best on the left hand... BUT you play the treble clef with your right hand...

Will people understand that I just got it because it's a beautiful symbol or will they criticise my choice to get it on my left hand and will I grow to resent my tattoo?

Also... How much do you think it will hurt to get it in this place..? Because palms are traditionally a painful area but beings it's quite a fatty area will it be as bad...? I'm not very good with pain to be honest :/

I have quite a while to think about this because I'm not legally old enough to get one yet, so I want to plan it all out.

So I'm 15, and this guy says he likes me. We've known each other for years but he moved away 2 years ago. He's back and he's been talking to me on face book a lot (I've yet to see him in person again or even through photo's).

He said that he always liked me since we were young and I don't know how to say no? He's one of the first guys that's been interested in me and I'm not too experienced with all this.

I've had tons of problems with self harming and stuff and I'm basically damaged goods... I don't want to be a huge *** burden or anything. I've told him that I'm kinda damaged and troubled and he said: "I'm an engineer, I can fix that ;)" and it was really sweet but I think I just see him as a friend.

Sorry for any spelling or grammatical mistakes, I wrote this in a hurry.

Jessie xx :-)

Here's the first two poems I wrote, the first is called:

My Canvas.

I want to paint a picture,

its meaning is unclear.

It makes me lay awake at night,

leaves me full of fear.

I want to paint a picture,

its canvas is getting old.

It's been decorated more than once,

with the secrets that it holds.

I want to paint a picture,

one with a story yet to end.

You see the story will continue on,

but I will still pretend

I want to paint a picture,

a picture with a twist.

My paintbrush is a razor,

the canvas is my wrist.

The second one is called:

Crimson Ribbons

I stare into the mirror,

see the horror on my face.

I'm covered in red ribbons

that trap me in their embrace.

I wish that I could break them,

but only time will tell.

I seem to have trapped myself

in some scolding hell.

Never again I tell myself,

though that is but a lie.

Once again I will wrap myself

in these crimson ties.

So I reach for my ribbons,

and wipe away my tears.

I cut away what's left of me

just as I've done for years.

The ribbons are not what they seem,

you see I've told a lie.

They are cuts and scars upon my skin

which will remain there until I die.

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark.

I would like some help with the poem itself, if you don't mind that is, I want it to be gentle but clear. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my poem?? Thank you :)

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. It does end up consuming you- and all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark (poems) or I just don't know how to approach it at all (normal text).

I would like advice on how to tell her and

I'd actually like some help with the contents of the text itself, if you don't mind that is. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my message, or poem?? Thank you :)

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. It does end up consuming you- and all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark (poems) or I just don't know how to approach it at all (normal text).

I would like advice on how to tell her and

I'd actually like some help with the contents of the text itself, if you don't mind that is. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my message, or poem?? Thank you :)

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. It does end up consuming you- and all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark (poems) or I just don't know how to approach it at all (normal text).

I would like advice on how to tell her and

I'd actually like some help with the contents of the text itself, if you don't mind that is. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my message, or poem?? Thank you :)

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. It does end up consuming you- and all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark (poems) or I just don't know how to approach it at all (normal text).

I would like advice on how to tell her and

I'd actually like some help with the contents of the text itself, if you don't mind that is. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my message, or poem?? Thank you :)

I know, self harm isn't the answer, and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. It does end up consuming you- and all I've been able to thing about lately is telling my friend.

I can't face telling her in person. So I'd like to tell her via text- maybe a poem, or just gently.

But everything I've come up with so far seems to be too dark (poems) or I just don't know how to approach it at all (normal text).

I would like advice on how to tell her and

I'd actually like some help with the contents of the text itself, if you don't mind that is. So can you PLEASE help me with how to word my message, or poem?? Thank you :)

As a self harmer I want to make a youtube channel to help self harmers, the friends of self harmers, ways to distract yourself and to generally clear up some myths and misgivings about self harm.

I will use trigger warnings.

I AM NOT HELPING THEM ON HOW TO SELF HARM. I want to help them recover- or at least be safe.

I want to call my channel something like this (no self mutilation words in the name):

ThroughOurEyes

ThroughYourEyes

Ifonlytheyknew

IfOnlyIfOnly

Upintheclouds

Any new ideas would be great, or just your preferences from this list!!!

All advice and opinions welcome!!!

Thankyou, Jessie :D

As a self harmer I want to make a youtube channel to help self harmers, the friends of self harmers, ways to distract yourself and to generally clear up some myths and misgivings about self harm.

I will use trigger warnings.

I AM NOT HELPING THEM ON HOW TO SELF HARM. I want to help them recover- or at least be safe.

I want to call my channel something like this (no self mutilation words in the name):

ThroughOurEyes

ThroughYourEyes

Ifonlytheyknew

IfOnlyIfOnly

Upintheclouds

TheEdgeofReason

ThroughtheLookingGlass

Any new ideas would be great, or just your preferences from this list!!!

All advice and opinions welcome!!!

Thankyou, Jessie :D

Before the lectures, I AM trying to stop- it's just that until I'm at a cut free stage in my therapy plan I want to be safe from infection.

I can't use a new blade every time- my mum would spot it and the razors are too sharp for me anyway. I use a blade from a pencil sharpener (never before used to sharpen so don't worry). And my school are gonna get weird if I buy tons of sharpeners from them... It's a small school so they'll notice.

I can't get rubbing alcohols/ wipes as I'll need to get that through the web and my mum controls that (we love in a very remote part of UK- not walking distance of a chemist or supermarket).

I thought burning the blade with a lighter may work but then it would leave a sooty carbon on the blade which isn't very healthy.

Boiling maybe? But I wouldn't be able to do this to my blade in between every time I cut as my mum works from home and she'll ask what I'm doing.

Any help would be highly appreciated!!!

I can't tell her in person. I just know that i'll break down crying and won't even get out what I want to say.

Can any of you help me with what I can text her? I want to ease into it, and I want her to know that telling my parents or reporting me will only make it worse, although I am seeing a doctor about it so that's another reason why she shouldn't.

I couldn't do it in person even if I wanted to, she has friends that either don't like me or ones that do but are constantly with her- making it impossible (and quite intimidating) to ask her to talk to me on my own.

Just help me please?? Email me if you want to? jesspayne99@aol.com

(And don't worry that in giving my email out online, this is one specifically for yahoo and similar sites).

I've been self harming for a while now, and I'm trying to stop so I don't need the lecture. I want advice, my parents don't know, nor do I want them to, if they do they'll over react and try to shelter me so much i'll get depressed and want to cut more. This will lead to more sheltering - so more harming. It's a vicious Cycle.

I told my best friend, who wanted to see, when I showed her- she laughed. She said it doesn't count if I'm too much of a pu$$y to do it properly, that was the night I cut the ones that scarred.

I've been doing the elastic band snap thing to try stop, but i ended up doing it so much that i had some nasty gouges on my wrists, or i scratch at the swelling the band caused and I get what look like burn marks.

In PE we have a uniform- A short armed maroon Polo shirt, a very short skort and knee length socks. You are not allowed to add to this EVER.

So it covers the cuts on my calf's, feet and ankles but not my thighs. Also it shows the marks on my forearms clearly.

Also i have physio where I'm required to wear a vest- no bracelets???

I've been reported to a counselor for self harm before she made it worse and wanted to tell my parents, I just told her that it was my new kitten- because she only saw the little ones.

SO I'd just like some overall advice- mainly the phsio, I just don't want people telling me not to cut, if anything you'll make me feel worse. :(

Contact me if you feel the need to: jesspayne99@aol.com

Kik: Crimsonjessie