Becca Lynn

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy **** before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Some are just slips of the tongue

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Child's stool great for use in garden

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

I'm overweight. I'll admit it. I need help loosing some pounds...any suggestions that make me starve?

and loose the weight fastt.

REALLY FAST. im up for almost anything.

(NAME OF PERSON), I cannot believe you would go and talk about me behind my back!!! YOU'RE A *****!!!!! EF YOU! talk about me again and see what happens. I'll slit your throat! Next time you talk about me, say it to my face instead of talking behind my back...I FU**ING HATE YOUR GUTSSS!!! But,,the good news is that i just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to geico.

I LOVE NUN JOKES!!

got any?

appreciate them.

Plz&&Ty. [:

This taxi cab driver was driving around trying to find some last customers. He sees a nun down the street trying to catch a cab. He stops and the nun gets in. After driving for about a block, the man goes, "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure", the nun said.

"I've always wanted to do it with a nun."

"Two conditions", said the nun, "You have to be single and a virgin" The man says that he is single and a virgin. The nun says okay and they go into the alley and after 10 minutes, the guy goes, "I have a confession. I'm married and have 2 kids." The nun goes, " I also have a confession. My name is Jeff and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Guess what this stands for...

EVERYkidTHING.

I for get what these are called..i saw one earlier and it reminded me of these.

Do you know any??

Any websites these are on???

Plz&&Thank You.

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher

Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman

we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Selma

Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator

Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern

Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder.

7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway.

8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee.

10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.

11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.

12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.

15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ..."don't" and "stop" (Unless they're used together).

16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.

17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ... give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.

18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.

19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ... he is probably checking out the woman behind you.

20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar ...once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but don't know where it goes

Okay. I'm 15. Kinda Young For This Sight,,I Know...but i also know that i'm not the youngest on here.i wanna see how many others are young like me...

If you want to, you can add me on yahoo.

reba_rong@yahoo.com

ADD ME. [:

Have A Nice Day.

P.S.-I LOVE the jokess..keep em' comin. [[[:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

That happy birthday joke i posted actually was a joke....It didn't happen to me..im a girl...so yeahhh..

get your facts straight.

Let's Take A Test.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it.

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat,

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said,

"You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not.

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my co-workers, wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.... and there on the couch I sat ... with nothing on but my socks......

I cannot see.

I cannot pee.

I cannot chew.

I cannot screw.

My memory shrinks.

My hearing stinks.

No sense of smell.

I look like hell.

My body's drooping.

Got trouble pooping.

So, the Golden Years have come at last?

Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ****!

Some are just slips of the tongue

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Child's stool great for use in garden

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow

okay,,so im 15..i know, kinda young for this sight. but anyways. by boyfriend and i broke up b/c he liked someone else. when i found out he liked her i dumped him (this is my third time going out with him). Then he went out with the other girl. HES 16-17 and SHES 11!!!!!!!! wtf..is that not bullcrap?!?!?!

and am i like the youngest here??

anyother teens?!?!

He's a few clowns short of a circus

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal

He's an experiment in artificial stupidity

He's a few beers short of a six pack

She's dumber than a box of hair

He's a few peas short of a casserole

She doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box

The wheels spinning but the hamster's dead

He's one Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

She's one taco short of a combination plate

He's a few feathers short of a whole duck

He's all foam...no beer

The cheese slid off her cracker

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

He has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

His intellect is rivaled only by garden tools

He's as smart as bait

He doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

He forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If she had another brain, it would be lonely

He's missing a few buttons on his remote control

There's no grain in his silo

He's proof that evolution can go in reverse

His receiver is off the hook

She's several nuts short of a full pouch

Her skylight leaks a little

Too much yardage between the goal posts

Not the sharpest knife in the draw