rdrnnr1972

I work in Germany and tore the rotator cuff in my shoulder at work. The Doctors keep asking for the Berufsgenossenschaft for the company I work for. It is an American firm, Raytheon to be specific, and doesn't have one. Why do they keep on asking about it and act surprised when I say we don't have one?

I was having an issue with a NIC subnet mask on a Sunfire V220. The computer acts as a node for a TETRA radio system. We have two nodes, one on the 172.16.4.0 network and the other on 172.16.5.0, in a static IP, non-routed network. Each node has it's own set of peripherals that need to be kept logically separate, but the nodes have to talk to each other. The 172.16.4 is the primary node, and 172.16.5 is the secondary node. The secondary node gets shut down almost daily, and when it reboots, eri0 (172.16.5.0) comes up with as a class "C". I have to switch it over to a "B" every time using ifconfig. To fix this, I VI'ed etc/netmasks and changed it to 255.255.0.0. Will this permanently cause it to boot as a class "B", or will I need to do something else? I also wanted to make sure that I didn't cause any other problems on down the line. As you may have guessed, I don't normally work with Solaris, but this is system that I'm now responsible for, and I'm trying to get it to work properly.

When Ralph first noticed that his manhood was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his johnson had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?! "

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

A: He gets taller.

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"

A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.

"Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.

"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.

Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.

At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.

After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.

"Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat."

"Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No”, she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Three dogs are at the Vet's office, talking about what they're there for.

The first dog explains, " I can't help myself, whenever I see a female dog in the area, I go mad with desire, break free and go hump her. Because of that, I'm here to get neutered."

The second dog nods and says " I know what you mean. Every time my master walks into the room, I have to run over and hump his leg. Now he's having me neutered"

They both look at the third dog, who responds " My master's wife always does the housework in the nude. This morning she was down on all fours scrubbing the floor. The sight and smell drove me wild. I had to run over, mount up and hump away"

The first two dogs shake their heads and say " Neutered too, I see"

The third dog replies, " No, I'm just here to get my teeth brushed and my nails trimmed."

Got these in the inbox and had to share

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not

live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,

then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

which is why I would not live forever,'

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids

all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love

to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and

death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life.'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become

spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part

of my body'

-- Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward .

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'Out side of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through

our papers. We are the president.'

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of

subpoenaed documents.

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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's

the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

--Al Gore, Vice President

And .

'We are ready for an unforeseen event that

may or may not occur.'

-- Al Gore, VP

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'

-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A

genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased, but he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either!

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school,

pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's

shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack

hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors

called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight

after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark

shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests

Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny

started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts

other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good

paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not

disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes

a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because

Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's

car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up

normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.

Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells

Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to

prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some

aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the

smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for

drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English,

goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper

articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a

requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action

lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English

banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up

mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers

from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up

a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny

charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings

removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror

watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess

and scrapes his knee.

He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs

him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes

on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator

and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5

years of therapy.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

This means that the US trails only Germany in mileage figures, so global warming can't be our fault!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise" were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 am and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Rea lizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos....MIDNIGHT).

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eye brow and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Snapshot of a Flight Mission, Pt. 2: Ambushed!

The wingman skims in smoothly, overshooting the BT and striking up a conversation with the bogie. Within seconds he IDs her as a half-hearted Den Mother, less an enemy fighter than a lazily floating blimp (and she sorta resembles one too.) He glances back at his FL, ready to give the “all clear” signal, when he notices the FL’s alarmed eyes are tracking two bogies screaming in from the pool table. There’s no mistaking them—one Sister, the fast-moving Messerschmitt of the cock-blocking arsenal, and one Brumhilda, the equivalent of a rapid-firing, heavily-armored flak cannon. He deftly shifts position, putting himself between the BT and the pair, forcing them to dock with the Den Mother. Panicked, he hastily exchanges introductions and desperately barrel rolls into a “You guys want to play some pool?” gambit.

The blimp says “Sure!” the pair say “No.” He checks his six, and here comes the FL, grinning like an idiot. The wingman tries to wave him off, but it’s too late, he’s locked onto the BT, coming in high and wide with the worst pick-up line the wingman had ever heard. The blimp nudges him toward the pool table and the Messerschmitt immediately moves in, taking up an attack position on the BT’s flank, while the flak cannon digs in and loads up for a furious barrage. The wingman glances back at his FL, whose eyes have darkened with horror and doom.

The Risks

It’s true that sometimes terrible things befall wingmen. Sometimes it’s as innocuous as enduring a dull conversation or getting a drink thrown in his face. Sometimes his public reputation becomes so mangled he can no longer fly in the same theater of operations. Sometimes he will get locked in so steep a dive he can’t pull up in time to save himself from crash landing in a CB’s bed. The experience can shatter him completely, taking him off the duty roster for weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes he never comes back. Finally, worst of all, a wingman might go so far and so often into enemy territory that he will “go native,” and develop strange tastes in women. So if you find a good wingman, make sure the missions are worth his risk and sacrifice. If the bombing run is successful, buy him a bottle of the good stuff, especially if he served as a POW. Keep him happy, serve as his wingman when he needs one, and hold onto him with an iron grip. Good wingmen are as rare as diamonds.

Snapshot of a Flight Mission, Pt. 3: Dive! Dive!

“Go ahead and break, I have to use the men’s room,” the wingman tells the blimp and wings it back to the strike zone. It’s immediately evident that the FL is going down in flames. The sister is hanging on the BT’s arm and whispering in her ear and the Brumhilda is unleashing a “Let’s go somewhere else” salvo. It’s time for desperation tactics. “Hey, who wants a shot?” he fires off and unsurprisingly they all agree. He ushers the CBs toward the bar while slipping his FL a “yank and bank” signal. The FL’s eyes light up with hope and he stalls the BT halfway to the bar. The wingman glances back at the brooding blimp, who looks as if she’s ready to float back to the BT. Thinking quickly; he waves the blimp over with a “come do a shot” gesture. She starts drifting in his direction. He orders three girly shots and one banzai. “What about Beth and your friend?” the Brumhilda asks.

“Let them get their own,” the wingman says, glancing back at the laughing couple. “Here’s to me, the best pool player in town,” he baits. The CBs scoff and the wingman makes his move: “Yeah? Well, I’ll bet you the next round that me and the bli—that me and my partner here can whip the hell out of you two girlies.”

Her feminist pride stung, the Brumhilda growls, “You’re on.”

His FL, deep in conversation with the BT, gives him an almost imperceptible nod of approval as the wingman escorts the CBs to the pool table. I am the best in the business, he thinks, and then flinches as he feels the blimp’s arm encircle his waist. He looks into her voracious eyes and she says, “Hey partner, do you want to go to a party later?” His knees buckle a little and he gropes for a pool cue to steady himself. “Maybe so,” he says, thinking: “That motherf**ker is going to so owe me.”

Wingman’s Creed

W: Without hesitation, I’ll accept any mission given me, no matter how impossible it may seem

I: I will never show interest in the target, even if it’s obvious she is much more interested in me

N: No cock blocker is so beastly or boring that I will not aggressively engage her in stunning conversation

G: Gallantly will I engage the enemy. No lie is too large, no shame too great, no cock blocker too gargantuan to deter me

M: My personal reputation does not concern me, even though I become known far and wide as "The Beast Master"

A: Always shall I be ready to back up whatever insanely monstrous lie my Flight Leader tells

N: Never shall I abandon my Flight Leader. By any means necessary I will see the mission through, though it means waking up next to what is, for all practical purposes, a buffalo

Know Your Cock Blockers

Before you tip that throttle and rocket off the runway, it’s best to know what you’re up against. There are three types of CBs, namely:

1.) Cinderella’s Sister: This semi-attractive woman is secretly jealous of her more alluring friend and won’t want to see her hook up because she’s tired of being the bridesmaid. She’s an easy target for flattery, especially if you compare her favorably with her friend.

Tagline: “Doesn’t she have great breasts? Too bad they’re fake.”

2.) Den Mother: She’s such a wonderful, responsible, caring person that she feels the need to watch over her “wild” friend and keep all the naughty boys at length. She’s been honing her CB skills since high school and knows all the tricks, but can be cracked with a “you should really let your friend live her own life, she’s all grown up now” attack.

Tagline: “Come on, Sweety, you’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home.”

3.) Brumhilda: Tempered by the hot fires of spite and bitterness, she dislikes men in general, either because she’s been denied their attention or due to past romantic difficulties. She is the most dangerous CB because no amount of charm can flatter her into letting your FL fly off into the sunset with her friend. Only the most skilled and dogged of wingmen can neutralize her, usually by pretending he’s gay and equally bitter.

Tagline: “Hey you. Yeah, you, a**hole. It’s girls’ night out. No men allowed. So why don’t you go play Hide and Go F**k Yourself?”

Snapshot of a Flight Mission, Pt. 1: Target Sighted!

FL: “I’m getting hella pinged by the redhead in the corner. I spy a solitary bogie. It’s gonna be a milk run.”

WM: “Oh good. ‘Cuz after last time, my rep is a little ragged and—”

FL: “Nix that recon! Two more bogies are buzzing on the peripheral.”

WM: “Three bogies? It’s Pig Alley! And look at them! They’re all Brumhildas! I’ll be eaten alive!”

FL: “That’s why I want you for this mission. You’re the best d**n shoot and scooter in the business.”

WM: “I . . . I . . . I won’t do it. You can’t make me.”

FL: “Godd**n you! I went kamikaze for you last week, didn’t I? Let me get you a banzai.”

WM: (whimpering softly) “All right. All right.”

FL: “Here’s how it’s going down: I’ll give you a one-minute lead in. You shoot and scoot like a motherf**ker, and for God sakes watch your six, heaven knows how many more CBs she brought with her. Give me the high sign when it’s safe for me to boom in, and once we attain air superiority, I’ll yank and bank with the betty. And let’s leave that clunky landing gear behind, shall we? You’re going to be eating a lot of flak and I don’t want it slowing you down.”

WM: “Dude, you are going to so owe me.”

Points to Remember

After the BT has been reconned, it’s always best if the wingman goes in first. If he wings in with the FL, or after, it will smack of a setup.

Once the wingman has successfully engaged the CB, the FL sweeps in, first making contact with the wingman, then turning his attention to the BT.

The moment the conversation is rolling, the FL will want to focus fully on the BT, so the wingman should attempt to lure the CB to the dance floor, jukebox, pool table or bar. If the CB refuses to budge, the FL will attempt to “yank and bank” the BT well out of cock blocking range.

A good wingman will accept the fact that he will most likely have to remain with the CB for the rest of evening, because once he breaks off the attack, the CB will make a beeline to the BT and try to shoot down the FL.

Keeping the CB pinned down is not always easy. The wingman must use all his charms to keep her entertained; he must listen to psyche-grating life-stories, he will learn the names of all her cats and all their wonderful little quirks. And if need be, he will feign romantic interest.

When closing time rolls around, a lesser wingman will wish his FL all the luck in the world and hightail it home. A good wingman, however, will carry on his mission even though it extends to someone’s domicile, knowing full well he will find himself deep in enemy airspace, and may be asked to make the ultimate sacrifice.

The Wingman's Handbook

The wingman is arguably the noblest creature to ever step into a barroom. Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his buddy can hook up with a sorority girl with big gazongas? Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from his memory? Who else, especially if he’s loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven? Whose sterling motto is, “You are going to so owe me, dude.”?

None else but the wingman, the King Leonidas of the saloon.

What a Wingman Does:

And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians, so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.

It usually goes down like this:

A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target) across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met. The FL knows he’ll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom. Of course, there’s much more to the task than distracting the CB while the FL makes his move. Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes. And like all specialists, they’ve developed their own lingo.

Wingman Jargon

Air superiority: When the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

BT bombing target: The hot chick.

Banzai shot: Much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

Betty: An alliteration of Bombing Target.

Bogie: A friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

CB (cock blocker): The hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.

Dogfight: Dancing with a CB.

FL (flight leader): also called the bombardier.

Flak: Snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

Flying blind: When the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refuelling he jeopardizes the mission.

Getting pinged: Initial eye contact with a BT.

In-flight refuelling: When a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

Kamikaze mission: When the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

Landing gear: A wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

POW: Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

Pig Alley: A play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

Shite leader: A would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

Shoot and scoot: An attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

Tail gunning: When the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

Yank and bank: An attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.

He's carrying a shotgun in one hand, and leading a bull on a rope by the other. He goes up to the bar, sits and orders a cup of coffee. After drinking the coffee, he lifts up the shotgun and blasts the bull, splattering it all over the place. Then he nonchalantly walks out.

The next day, the same man walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and hollers "What the heck are you doing back in here after what you did yesterday"

"What's the problem?" the man responds, "I'm just practicing for Congress".

"How so?" says the baffled bartender.

"Easy", the man replies "I was here to drink a little coffee, shoot the bull and leave a mess for everyone else to clean up".

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this

problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the old lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what on earth you gave me. My farts are still silent... but now they stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our

whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned

out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up

to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can

I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from

the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more

perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the

situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the

walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light

bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the

dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right therrre.....

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By

the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light

bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect

some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!