Mia♡

I was going to sew my mouth up but it hurt too much

Nobody likes me, all my friends gave up on me and i'm too anxious and socially awkward to try to make new friends. I'm too depressed to do any work in school and even if i wasn't, i'm too dumb to understand any of it. I don't see the point in going to school anymore. I turn up and sit in class and do nothing for 5 hours then at lunch i sit by the wall an listen to music while my 'friends' ***** about me. What's the point in that? My day would be more productive if i just stayed home. School makes me so anxious aswell and it's just not worth it. Also i don't really want to live so why go to school when i probably wont live long enough to get a job?

I have a lot of problems, i m not going to go into detail about it all. I cut. And I think a lot about suicide. Like to the extent that i m not allowed any sharp objects because my parents think i m gonna try to slit my wrists with a paper clip or something. I just don t really care about living. It s a lot of stress and it s so depressing and pointless and i feel like i may as well just be dead. At the same time though i don t *really* want to die, i think i just want a better life. I have no real friends, i cant do school work, i dont do anything, my whole existence is just so meaningless. I tried to kill myself a few months ago but obviously it didnt work. My family never found out. I cant decide if i want out or not. Sometimes i really wish i was dead and sometimes i m happy that i m still alive. I dont know what to do. I really cant imagine myself having any sort of future. It feels like i may as well be dead. Some moments make it worth living but then there are always more bad times that outweigh the good times. I dont know what i want to do anymore :(

I feel like my mother is too strict with me. I get up at 6:30, take my tablets, force fed breakfast, then i do work until i have to go to school, not allowed to go out after school, i have to come straight back and do homework and she checks my bag for anything potentially dangerous, i'm allowed my phone for about 30 minutes, have a shower, if i take 'too long' to shower my mother gets angry, then i go to bed at 9, sometimes i'm allowed to read. I'm 15 and i think this is kind of ridiculous. I'm also not allowed ANYTHING because everything is 'too dangerous'. I cant use scissors or even sharp pencils and maths equipment because i might cut myself. I'm not even allowed a lamp or anything because i could strangle myself with the cord. I have to show her my arms every morning and night and after i shower and she always forces me to eat so i dont 'starve'. I get why she does it but its getting really stupid now. I havent even cut for two weeks so surely i should be allowed a little bit more freedom? And shes always shouting at me and its so frustrating. When i have to stay with my father he's even stricter - he makes me eat twice as much and im not allowed my phone at all. My life is so boringggggg its just making me more depressed :/

I need to buy new clothes for the summer and i want to go shopping today because it's my last chance before half term ends. I dont have anyone to go with though, all my friends are away at the moment :/ I dont know if i should just go by myself. If i see anyone i know it will be really embarrassing but i do really need to go. Also my mum probably wont approve so im not sure if i should tell her that im going with mt friend. Problem with that is that ill only be a few hours and usually if i go with my best friend we make a whole day of it so my mum will think we had an arguement and ask about that. Sooo i dont really know what to do... Help!! >__<

I have no friends anymore since my boyfriend broke up with me and we had all the same friends so i guess they chose him. Also i really loved him and i miss him but he doesnt care about me anymore, he said he cant get over me wanting to kill myself and he cant deal with me anymore. My mum found out that i cut. My parents are always yelling at me and saying that i'm stupid and useless and they're right, i dont deserve to live. I would rather die anyway. I have to go back to school next week and do exams but i havent done any revision because i'm too depressed to do anything and i cant think straight. I feel so hopeless. My life has just been going down and down lately and my anxiety/depression is getting worse. I've thought about suicide more than usual this week. I mean, i've tried twice before but people always came over and made me fix myself up but i guess thats not a problem now that i dont have anyon anyway. I feel like i do want to live sometimes, i just dont want to live the life i have. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so awkward all the time like i just shouldnt be here.

About a month ago my boyfriend asked me why i take a long time to reply (5-20 minutes) and i said i would make an effort to text back quicker. Now he's started ignoring my texts for hours at a time. I cant help but feel slightly angry about the fact that he used to always make me feel guilty if i took a while to reply because i had a shower or had to eat dinner or something but now hes ignoring me for like 4 hours every time and i know hes on his phone because it says he has read the messages and he doesnt even apologise. I'M the one who ends up apologising for interrupting him when he's 'busy' (umm if hes so busy why is he on facebook?). I'm ALWAYS the one who has to apologise. I feel like he just doesnt care about me the way he used to. I tried to ask him about it but he just made me feel like a crazy paranoid person but he didnt actually say he loves me or anything he just said 'dont be stupid i dont hate you'. Like wow thanks. As you can see, this is kind of about more than texts :p Anyway what should i do??

I had a dream that i saw my boyfriend with cuts on his arms and i wasnt sure if it was real or a dream so i asked to see his arm to make sure. Luckily it was fine but now i have to check everyday because im paranoid its going to happen. I self harm and i have a lot of issues and i know it puts a lot of stress on my boyfriend. I would feel really bad if he started cutting because of me and he promised me he wouldnt ever do it but i know how easy it is to start and how hard it is to stop. I just want to make sure he's okay but i'm worried he'll get mad at me for it. Would you get annoyed if somebody checked your arms every day even though you tell them your not going to self harm??

I feel like everything is just a waste of time. Life is pointless and everything we do is pointless. I feel so miserable all the time. Every little thing gets blown out of proportion in my mind and i get more upset than i should. I cant see myself ever being happy. I dont have any motivation to do anything. I think about suicide a lot but my boyfriend made me promise not to kill myself. To be honest though i feel like he doesnt really care about me that much. Why should he care about me anyway? I hate myself, why shouldnt he hate me too? I feel so empty and hopeless. I have panic attacks aswell and i cut (yes i know its bad but its the only thing that helps me deal with how i feel). I just dont know whats wrong with me. My life isnt great but its not that bad either so its not like i have a reason to feel like this. Whats wrong with me??

I had a panic attack this morning and afterwards i started stuttering. I still cant speak normally. Is this a usual sort of thing to start stuttering after having a panic attack??

I miss him so much it hurts. I cant stand being away from him so long! I wish i could see him right now but i have to wait 5 more hours. I just really love him and i havent kissed him in almost a week and its unbearable i just need to see him. I dont know how im going to cope when i have to go on holiday with my family and i wont see him for two weeks :/

Ughhh i cant wait five hours i need him now!! ㅠ_ㅠ

I cant stop crying. I feel so miserable and hopeless and alone. I dont know why i'm always like this. I just want it to stop. I cut but i've been clean for nearly a week now, i really want to cut but i have swimming next week so i wanted to not have any marks on me which is why i havent cut recently. Ugh i just feel so bad all the time i dont know whats wrong with me :(

Every time i meet up with my boyfriend, the first ten minutes is kind of awkward. Like he doesnt hug me straight away, we dont really know what to talk about, etc. After a while we're totally fine but then the next time it happens again! How can i make it easier between us at the start??

Theres this image that keeps coming into my head. Two cubes next to eachother, one of the cubes moves, the second cube moves so its touching the first cube and then the first cube moves again and it carried on like that and i cant make it stop and i just want the cubes to stop moving but i cant do it! Its so frustrating! I used to get things like this all the time when i was younger and now its come back again :/ I just want to know what it means?

I have to go to school everyday, i dont learn anything because i have so many panic attacks i cant really go to lessons so i just sit in a room by myself most of the day and if i go to a lesson i still dont learn because im too depressed. So obviously im going to fail my GCSEs and then i wont get into college or university and i wont get a good job. I'll end up working in some crappy place for the rest of my life and even if i do get a good job i'll screw it up because i just cant do anything. I have so many triggers and on top of that i have random panic attacks as well and i always feel depressed. Its like my life just isnt worth living. I would of killed myself by now but i havent because i have a boyfriend who loves me more than i deserve, hes the nicest guy in the world and he said losing me would ruin his life so im holding on for him. But he cant be this supportive forever. I'm dragging him down and sooner or later hes going to realise that and let go. My family dont really care, most of my friends arent even real friends, without my boyfriend there wouldnt be a single enjoyable thing in my life. I hate myself, i hate school, i wont get a job, no one would be able to put up with me so ill never get married and i would be a terrible mother anyway, i dont have anything to look forward to in life. And even if i had an amazing life its not going to matter when im dead so whats the point.

I was planning to kill myself last night and i told my boyfriend and he seemed so worried and now im starting to feel bad because i must of made him so scared and he was practically shouting at me not to do it like he was really angry and upset at the same time. I guess its scary thinking that you might not see someone you love ever again.

I feel really bad and i don't know how to make it up to him. Also i don't want him to feel like i was depressed because of him or anything stupid like that. I think he feels kind of responsible as well and i don't know how to make it right between us. How do i show him it wasn't his fault and that im grateful for his help?

I keep thinking I'm going to wake up any minute now but i know I'm not. It feels like I'm dreaming like I'm not real and its scaring me so much. I've always been ...umm how should i put it? ...mentally unstable i guess. Its just getting too much lately. I don't think i can deal with life anymore. I just don't know what to do now, i think I'm just ready to give up. Life doesn't seem worth living anymore; like I'm going to die anyway, why put up with all this crap in between??

Every time i go outside i get really scared so i just say in my room and i my friends ask me to hang out i get too nervous and i cant go. Its really annoying :/ I'm supposed to see my friends today as well but I'm not sure i can do it. Going outside scares me too much. Like I'm too scared to leave my room so how am i supposed to go out with my friends?? Im meant to meet them in half an hour. I don't want to cancel on them but I'm really scared. And my boyfriend isn't going and he's the only person i trust when i have a panic attack so what if i have a panic attack (i probably will cuz i get at least 3 a day :/) and then theres no one who can help me?! But at the same time i haven't talked to anyone for 2 days now so maybe i should go before it gets worse. I'm sooo nervous though :( What should i do??

I'm not pretty and skinny like other girls. I'm overly emotional- I'm always crying about stupid things and I get scared so easily. I have anxiety and depression and dyspraxia and i used to be a hypochondriac and ocd. I cut and I'm suicidal and I'm the most socially awkward person I know. I dont do well at school because i miss a lot of classes because of anxiety. I come from a dysfunctional family and we dont have a lot of money either.

But my boyfriend is so smart and kind and funny and good looking and his family are so sweet and everything about him is just perfect ^-^ So why the hell would he like a girl like me?? There are so many things wrong with me but he still loves me. Im just confused about why he would want me when there are so many pretty, perfect girls who like him. It just doesnt make any sense! Does he just feel sorry for me or something? :3