trident

was it because the powers that be do not like to be criticised as I did in my edit? They erased from the Question the name of an animal a male donkey to whit an ***. then erased the common name for the rectum spelled with an r after the a but left in the word penis in one of the answers Why?

The organs and parts of the body were trying to decide which of them should be in charge.

The brain said "I should be in charge because I tell all the other parts to work"

The blood said "I should be in charge because I carry oxygen to all parts so they can work"

The stomach said " I should be in charge because I digest the food to give all parts energy"

The legs said " I should be in charge because I carry you all where you want to go"

The eyes said "I should be in charge because without me you couldn't see where to go"

The rectum said " I should be in charge because I get rid of all your waste"

All the other parts of the body laughed and made fun of the rectum so he shut down in a huff.

After a few days the brain had a terrible headache, the blood was toxic, the legs were wobbly, the eyes were watery and the stomach was bloated. they then all agreed that the rectum should be in charge.

The moral of the story---------- it doesn't matter who does all the work---------

The *** HOLE is still in charge!!!!!!!

John met his old school mate after fifteen years and asked him how he was getting on.

His mate Bob said he was doing alright. He was in great demand for his skills in I T as he had patented several computer related modules like voice recognition circuits among other things.

John said that that was very interesting as he himself liked working on his computer. Bob said if he really wanted to see some things he had done to come with him to his apartment.

So off they went and soon arrived at a tower block of flats and Bob lent near the microphone in the wall and said, " Voice recognition code 7040" A metallic voice answered, " Affirmative! Proceed"

Bob said " Door open" and the door opened. John was impressed. " It only works for those who have had their voices entered nobody else can get in"

They crossed to the lift and again Bob said into the microphone "Voice recognition code 7040" and the lift came and the doors opened and they entered. The doors closed behind them, and John asked where the floor buttons were. Bob said it was all done by voice the computer recognised the voice and automatically took you to your floor. A metallic voice informed them that they were at the penthouse suite and the doors opened directly into the apartment. John was even more impressed.

Bob then began to show John what innovative things he had done. He walked into the kitchen area and said " Kettle fill and boil water." There was a noise of water running and shortly after the noise of the kettle boiling. " Tea or coffee John?" John said he preferred coffee, milk, two sugars. Bob gave the instructions and two coffees appeared and they carried their drinks into the lounge area. Bob spoke as he walked into the area "TV on Channel Sky Sports one" The TV came on and displayed Sky sports one. " Blinds close" said Bob as the screen was affected by the sunlight. " Chair turn thirty degrees to the left" and the chair aligned itself perfectly for viewing the tv. "Volume increase two notches and the tv made itself heard. John was mightily impressed and asked Bob if his voice could be made to direct the furniture etc. Bob said it could it would only take a couple of minutes if he followed what he told him.

Bob spoke to the computer saying to activate voice recognition module. The computer acknowledged and Bob told John to say the line-- The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog---

The computer acknowledged and informed them recognition was complete so John tried it out.

"Bedroom door open" it opened . " Bedroom door close" it closed. "Window open six degrees" it opened slightly. "Window open fifty degrees" it opened more fully and the wind howled through. " Window close" and the wind subsided as it closed. He turned his attention to the furniture.

"Chair turn 360 degrees" and the chair turned a full circle. " Settee make into a corner unit" the settee obliged " Lights on" and the whole room was illuminated. " Half lights out" and half of the lights went out. John was having fun while Bob smiled at his friend. Eventually John decided that he had had enough and sank into the chair and turned to his friend and said-------------------------

"WELL BUGGER ME!" and the chair obliged

This frog went into a bank and walked up to the counter and was served by the teller whose name was Patricia Whack.

She asked what he wanted and he said a loan for £30,000 to go on a long holiday.

She asked his name and he replied that he was called Kermit Jagger and it would be alright because he knew the manager.

The teller said that some collateral would be needed so the frog gave her a perfectly formed miniature pink elephant.The teller said she would have to consult with somebody and would he wait.

She went off to find the manager and told him there was a frog whose name was Kermit Jagger who wanted a loan of £30;000 and had given her a pink elephant as collateral. She said to the manager as she showed him the elephant" I mean , what is this?"

The manager replied,

wait for it

it is worth it

here it comes

"That's a knick knack Patty Whack Give the frog a loan His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Go on admit you sang it!!! I'll bet you grinned too I saw you!!

This parishioner decides to buy his parish priest a parrot to keep him company. The priest is very happy with the gift until the parrot starts to speak.

Every word is a swear word,effing and blinding non stop. The priest is a bit mortified at first and tries to hush the parrot up but doesn't succeed (neither does the parrot, he splits them with his beak).

He tries to play it smooth classics to calm it down, he tries sedatives mixed with its water and whisky as well. The parrot keeps on swearing.

Three days later he receives a telephone call from the bishop saying he is in town and will be popping in to see him. The priest decides he will have to think of somewhere to put the parrot whilst the bishop visits. Just then there is knock on the door so the priest puts the parrot in the nearest place, which happens to be the freezer, and then goes to open the door for the bishop.

The bishop stays for two hours by which time the priest is quite worried about the parrot and as soon as he closes the door on the Bishop he gets the parrot out of the freezer.

The parrot seems to be ok much to his relief and as the parrot recovers it starts to speak.

The priest is most stunned when the parrot apologises for his past behaviour and promises to keep a civil tongue in head from now on. The priest is thrilled and accepts the apology and says he will look after him well.

The Parrot cocks its head to one side and says," Can I ask you a question that allows me one last swearword?"

" Yes, of course." the priest replied

" What the F#$K did the turkey do?"

It was raining heavily as he walked down the street, and the water began to trickle down his collar. He shook his head to shed some of the excess and his hair whipped back and forth like some windscreen wiper on it's fastest stroke. He glanced at his wristwatch, scowling as he realised he was going to be late, AGAIN. He turned the corner onto Smith Street narrowly avoiding a collision with a young lady shielding herself with an umbrella that restricted her vision. His evasive tactics resulted in him stepping in a large puddle which only added to his already foul mood, foul as the weather he mused.

He reached his office as the town hall clock began to chime the hour, he stopped in his stride to listen. Four times he heard the small bells chime the quarters, then the large bell began the hours. The sound of the bell was heavily muted, he thought.

"Strange, there must be something wrong with the bell or the clapper" he thought to himself. The chiming of the hours stopped when they reached nine, matching the time on his watch. He reached his office and was greeted by his Sergeant with a curt "Morning Sir!"Civilly he returned the greeting and walked to his chair behind his desk. The sergeant continued, " Did you hear the town hall clock just then, didn't sound right to me,"

" No, not the usual resonance I thought"

" Something wrong with the clapper?"

" Could be."

The D>I> began to peruse the reports on his desk whilst the sergeant sorted his own work. They worked on in silence until the same was shattered by the shrill ringing of the telephone. The junior officer picked up the receiver and conversed with the person on the line. Upon replacing the receiver on it's receptacle he faced his senior and said, " You were right about the clock this morning, the fellow that looks after it noticed it sounded funny so he went to check on it."

"Well!"

"He's a bit traumatised, sir, he found a body tied upside down on the clapper"

" Hells Bells! We'd best get ourselves over there right away."

Three breathless minutes later they were climbing the stairs to the clock tower, and even more breathless arrived at the floor which held the workings of the clock. Space was restricted because of the large movement and the bell hanging structure but they managed to lever themselves into the already crowded area. The magic word "POLICE" created even more space and the two policemen were able to examine the scene around them. The body was attached to the clapper and would stay so until some suitable platform was made available in order to reach that unfortunate specimen of humanity.The Fire service now entered the fray closely followed by the Ambulance men, or paramedics as their terminology is now, and each began to assess the position.

All this had happened within a time scale of around twelve minutes since the D.I. had arrived at his office and a particular thought struck him, and he voiced it out loud." Don't you think it would be a good idea to stop the clock within the next minute or so because I for one do not want to be in this vicinity when the bells chime off again?"

The old gentleman who maintained the clock, who had somewhat recovered from his experience, was in full agreement and set about his task without further ado,

" All stopped" he declared some thirty seconds later.

A System of planks and poles were organised into a safe working platform and eventually the body of the man was extricated from the clapper and laid upon the gantry floor. The doctor who had been called earlier pronounced the man had been dead for at least four or five hours and as to the cause of death, that would have to await the post Morten.

The two officers then examined the body, looking for any identification, of which there was no sign. The body's features were somewhat disfigured by the clapper work it had been its misfortune to undertake. The D.I. looked intently at the features on display as his sergeant enquired.

"Do you know who it is Sir?"

THe D.I. stared at the body below him and replied" I can't put a name to him but HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!!!!!!!!

This happened in Zimbabwe recently.

The driver of the bus taking a party of mentally ill patient to a new hospital stopped at a bar to have a drink. He took longer than was necessary and when he cme out all his patients had disappeared. In order not to look a complete idiot he drove the bus to the next few bustops and said the ride was free. He filled the bus with the required number of passengers and then he then delivered them to the hospital saying they were a very excitable lot and left them there.

It took three days to discover the deception. There are many more like that out there!!!!!

No!

Well Elmo is a toy called Tickle me Elmo and is made in a factory in Michigan. A young lady went for a job and was put into the packing area.

Everything ran smoothly for a couple of hours when the production manager noticed a backlog building up. The toys were backing up from the packing area.

The manager sent for the main man and he went to see the lady he had set on and when he got there he fell about laughing.

The lady was sat there with a bag of marbles putting two in a small bag and sewing them onto the toy.

The main man when he had recovered from his fit of laughter said to the young lady

"I said give Elmo two test tickles"

Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella who lived with her father, stepmother and her two ugly stepsisters. When Prince Charming held a ball to find his true love the stepmother refused to let Cinderella go.

Alone on the night of the ball she began to cry when suddenly her Fairy Godmother appeared and said she would go to the ball. From the various bits and pieces round the house the fairy godmother gave her all she needed to go to the ball.

A collection of rags were turned into a beautiful ball gown and knickknacks were turned into the best jewellery. Mice were turned into prancing horses and a large pumpkin into a coach. Two old cats were turned into footmen.

" Oh, Thank you fairy godmother but I just have a small problem" and Cinderella confided that she was in the middle of her period.

Looking around the house they could find nothing else but in the garden was a watermelon which the fairy godmother turned into a tampon-------------

and that is how Cinderella died on the stroke of midnight---------

Sorry about the hiccup folks seems the tale was too long for one question but the ending is added in the details

This was told to me by my mother(GRHS) many years ago so its old but not well known. Have a bit of patience because it is a long one, I mean a l-----o-----n-----g one.

Well here we go.

A sailor in the Royal Navy has come home to his wife as he is on embarkation leave. The leave is for two weeks and after five days they decide to go away for the weekend and the place they choose is Blackpool. They find a nice hotel and on the Sunday down the Golden Mile the wife spots a fortune tellers hut and goes in to get her fortune told. When she comes out her husband asks her what was said, but she refuses to tell him unless he goes in to have his fortune told. He finally relents and enters the hut. The Mystic looks in her crystal ball and shudders and says, "Oh dear! Oh dear!"

The sailor says, "What?"

"Wait a minute while I check the cards---- Oh dear! Oh dear!"

"What? What's wrong? What have you seen?"

" OH dear! I'm sorry but I cannot tell you what it is. I am going to have to write it all down and seal it in an envelope for you but it is imperative that you do not read it for ten days. It has to be TEN days ot worse will befall you."

" It's all a load of bunkum" says the sailor

"Oh No! you had better believe or something drastic will happen to your wife, it is the crystal and in the cards and they never lie"

So the sailor waits while the mystic writes down his fate and seals it very carefully and hands it to him with the words, " Remember, it must be ten days before you look at it."

" Right!" says the sailor and leaves the hut.

By the way the sailor is called Bill and his wife is Nora.

So Nora is waiting outside to hear all about his fortune and is dismayed to hear what has happened.

They enjoy the rest of the day and head off home in the morning.

After two more days Bill is moping around the house worried about the sealed envelope and what is in it, so Nora says, " Did she say anything about anybody else reading it?"

"No" says Bill

"Well give it here then and I'll read it."

So Bill gives her the envelope which she opens carefully and reads what is written. When she has finished she carefully puts it back in the envelope and reseals it, puts it on the mantelshelf, turns to Bill and lands him one almighty slap across his face saying, "You Bastard".

She turns goes upstairs packs her things and leaves the house.

Poor old Bill.

After a couple of hours of feeling sorry for himself he decides to go down to the pub where he meets up with an old mate of his.

"What the Hells up with you Bill? You look like you've lost a tenner and found a penny."

" Worse than that" says Bill and proceeds to tell his mate what has gone on.

" Here, look , you're a mate so give us the envelope and I'll read it."

Bill hands the envelope to his mate who reads it and then carefully puts it back in the envelope and reseals it hands it back to Bill, who puts it back in his pocket.

"Well?" asks Bill, who is then knocked backwards with the hardest fist in his face he has ever felt, and his mate leaves.

Bill picks himself up and rests against the bar and asks for another pint.

The barmaid who has seen what happened tells Bill she will read it for him as she does not know him it should all be alright. Bill gives her the envelope and she reads what is inside. She then replaces it and reseals the envelope grabs Bill's pint and pours it over him and tells him to get out.

Poor old Bill

He makes his way home and as he has to be back on his ship by midnight Friday he decides to ship out on Thursday morning and make his way to port. Thursday evening he spends in the local that the sailors use and is sat in the corner drinking all alone, feeling very miserable and still sporting the black eye that his mate gave him.

Poor old Bill.

He manages to avoid company and stays in a hotel for the night. Next day he reports back on board and readies himself for duty. In the cabin he shares with three other sailors he meets one of them who looks at him and asks, " What the f**k is up with you? It's not like you to look so miserable.

So Bill relates all that has happened and the mate says, "Give it here mate, and I'll put it to bed for you"

Two minutes later Bill is on the floor with his ex mate stuffing the envelope back in his pocket for him.

Poor old Bill

Pre sailing duties take everybody's attention and Bill carries on without paying strict adherence to his own duties. However the ship makes due leave of the port without mishap and heads for the open sea.

Bill's moroseness has been noticed by the officers and one of them has words with him on Sunday to find out what is the matter. Bill is told to snap out of it or he will be in trouble, but the officer takes no notice of what Bill is trying to tell him but just tells Bill to pay attention to his duties.

Monday passes and there has been no improvement in Bill's behaviour so he is hauled in front of the Captain on Tuesday morning.

The Captain wants an explanation and Bill tel

There was this man who whilst out walking found this egg. It was a big egg around the size of a small ostrich egg, so he picked it up and took it home with him. When he got home he put it on the top of his Aga cooker whilst he made his tea and then forgot about it when he went to bed.

the morning he was woken by a noise from the kitchen and went down to find this strange looking animal. It had knocked over some pots and was eating the leftovers.

He stared at this strange animal which seemed to be a multiple of different animals. It had a rats head, a squirrels body the legs of a chihuahua and the tail of a rabbit.

"Well I never!" exclaimed the man, when he sees the shattered shell on his cooker, "So that's where yoou have come from." The animal is very friendly to the man so he gives it more to eat.

It seems to be always hungry so he continues to feed it and feed it and feed it. He calls his friends and acquaintances to come and have a look at his new animal. They are all amazed by it and ask if he has given it a name. He says that they all should suggest one and the majority decide on calling the animal a RARY. So the animal is christened as such. After two weeks of non stop eating the rary goes to sleep one night and transmogirifies into something completely different.

The man cannot believe it when he sees the change. The rary now has the body of a Labrador, the head of a goat , the legs of a sheep and the tail of a horse.

" My word!" says the man, " you truly are a rary"

The man though is finding it very costly to continue feeding the rary and decides that he has to get rid of it, so ha advertises in his paper.

"ONE RARY for sale"

He has many takers and accepts the best offer of £2000, which just about covers the cost of the food.

The new owner takes the rary home with him and soon finds that it eating non stop and costing him a lot of money.

Then one morning he comes down to find that the rary has changed again. This time it is more exotic, it has a lion's head, a hippo's body, the legs of a girafe and the tail of a hyena. It nearly fills the kitchen so the man builds a barn for it to stay in and charges people to come and look. He still does not cover the cost of feeding the rary and he reluctantly advertises it for sale.

He also accepts the highest bid and the new owner takes the rary away in his horse-box.

He manages to feed it for two weeks when it changes again. This time it consists of the head of a polar bear, the body of an elephant, fou back legs of a kangaroo and the tail of a lemur.

"My God! No wonder they call you a rary" says the man. " I don't think you can grow much more so I'll try and keep you but I shall have to cut your food down."

He tries to cut down on the rary's food but the rary starts to eat the furniture, the fences in fact anything it can find goes into its mouth.

The poor man is dumbfounded and decides to get rid of the rary.

He asks the zoos if they want it but they have all heard about the rary so they all decline. Meanwhile the rary is eating everything in sight.

Once again it changes overnight, and takes on the appearance of a collection of dinosaurs, the head of a T-rex, the body of a brontosaurus, the legs of a diplodoccus and the tail of stegasaurus.

The man is mortified and decides he has to get rid of the rary once and for all. He hires this big tipper wagon and entices the rary into it with food then he drives to the top of Beachy Head and reverses the wagon to the edge of the cliff.

He begins to raise the back of the wagon and as the slope increases the rary holds on.

All of a sudden a loud voice shouts "STOP" and the man stops the movement of the wagon. "You cannot do that" said the voice.

"Why not?" queried the man.

His answer was the marching band playing

ITS A LONG WAY TO TIPERARY.

I'll keep my head low for a couple of weeks OK

I have a few Irish chat up lines that will give you a laugh.

Namely Paddy's chat up lines

1) Did ya fart? 'Cos you just blew me away!

2)Are you're parents retarded? 'Cos you're special

3)My love for you is like diarrhoea! I just can't hold it in

4) Is their a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them

5)Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6)You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

I took this girl out for a drink and ended up with a slap in the face.

I don't know wh, see if you can understand.

We went into this pub and I asked her what she would like to drink.

She replied she wanted a pina colada and I said she should go to the toilet like everybody else.

What was wrong with that?

When I look at some of the questions that people ask it worries me that they will never learn anything for themselves. The young are most guilty of this and yet they are more capable on a computer to be able to surf the web to find applicable sites that would enable them to answer their own questions. So are they just to b lazy to do any work for themselves because if they are I don't hold out much hope for the future of our country. We've seen what happens with this government what disasters occur when they can't be bothered themselves.