Army Gal

ok, so basically, been with partner for 10+ years. We have been married little over 4 yrs. We have a 3 yr old. Over the last 2 years starting 12/08, (when my LO was 1 yr), he has cheated on me (had a feeling, so i found the proof, kicked him out, asked for divorce, courts granted 6 month serperation, mandatory 12 month couseling, I let him back on the couch) he emmotionally neglected me (I told him I was lonely and missed him, he told me to "call my friends"), he went out with his friends (bar/club hopping) 2 nights a week every week, I found out all the females friends on his FB page, he requested (he told me they requested him), he has emailed, texted, received/sent naked pictures of himself and females (genital parts). So basically last year April, I was done. I knew we were not going to be granted a divorce by courts without long drawn out hearings ($$$ which neither of us really have) so I basically just gave up/checked out; emmotionally & physically. we went from best friends, to husband/wive to room mates. I told him, I was done with him and wanted nothing to do with him, he could stay in the spare bedroom, continue to pay the mortgage, utlities, daycare and grocery bills. I didnt care if he had 4 women in his room every night, as long as the bills were paid and my son was smiling. I continued my every day life, taking care of my son, going to work, going to dance class. I was finally able to lose the rest of my baby weight, cut/dyed my hair, took myself shopping I LOOKED GOOOD!! (nothing wroing with the way I looked before but now I was back to my pre-stress days). I never did the date thing, but I did start making him stay home with the baby while I went out with my girls, and my 'friends" (who did happen to be male but friendships over 15+ years), after about 6 months of this, I was fine. I was smiling again, I was laughing, even though I dreaded coming home some days because he did live there I was ok. So after about 4 months of couseling sessions (both individual, I refused couples couseling as I did not want the resposibility of his relationship anymore), he deleted the fb account, stopped going out, started helping around the house and mainly starting treating me and his son like we existed. Finally, we could talk like we used to, we played our gaing systems again (PS3, XBOX, Wii - we grew up with video games), it was like I was getting my friend back.

But now, um... we're still legally married, living in the same house, we talk and TALKED about everything and he wrote me this letter that said "I am sorry for everything I did to you, none of this was your fault. I should have talked to you when you tried to talk to me. I should have listened when you needed me to, I should have helped with our house, our problems and our son; and above all, I should have been there for you and your sister (my sister had an aneursym, coma 19 days and he never once asked me about her). He wrote me this letter going on 3 months ago. We hang out, we act like the two people we used to be, minus the relationship part.

I feel like because of everything that happened and they way it happened, (i feel like Ive been through 10 years of marital problems in 1.5 years), he is in the "friend zone". He has tried so very very very hard to win me back. however, I just don't feel "IT" anymore, (maybe TMI, but we have been intimate and its good, but I feel anything emmotionlly, I feel like I should get out of the bed, put my clothes on and go on about my day) - should I just try and find the money to get a divorce, or what???? I am so beyond confused....

In dec 08' my sister had an anuerysm, which then required her to have 3 brain surgeries and then complete rehab, during this time, hubby refused to come to the hospoital with me, went out clubbing when I get home from visiting, never asked if I wanted to go (clue #1) and was just basically an asshole to me (Clue #2) for no reason. He would cancel our date night on friday because he was tired but then he would go out on saturday night with his friends. He forced me to go out on New Years Eve 08' (strike #1) because he didnt want to go to the hospital, then in march '09, i found out hubby cheated on me (culmination of clue 1 and 2), I threw him out of the house! While he was out of the house, we co-parented our then 1.5 yr old son. Also, I found out that he had done more than cheat (physically) on me. He was requesting naked pictures of girls he met on facebook, he was flirting with girls, had pictures of our son all over the website with these girls posting under the picture that he was sooo cute. however, no where on the site was a picture of me or a mention that hubby was married (he joined facebook and didnt tell me (strike #2), then when I joined he "blocked" me [strike #3)) . I told him that I could forgive [the sex] and we could work it out, if he deleted ALL the females that i didnt know on facebook (never did Strike #4) and start treating/respecting me better. In august 09' I called the girl he slept with and got THE WHOLE story from her. (he lied and said this and that to her, I told her the truth) a few days later, she emailed me and told me that he had called her (STRIKE #5) i confronted him and his response (which was true) he had butt dialed her (my question was why was her number still in his phone STRIKE #6) We walked to city hall (we both work downtown) and I filed petition for seperation. Flash forward to Nov 09, we went to Vegas (previously saved and booked trip) however we had a blast, Seperation ended on december 15th, (he went to mandatory counseling) Fast forward to Jan 2010. AGAIN, I find pictures of a naked girl on his phone.I told him that was it, I applied for divorce.

Court ordered seperation (AGAIN, I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY!!) and then mediation. We have been on medation since July. It basically came to the point that he never applied himself to our relationship. because all the guys he hung with were still single, he wanted to fit in. He cheated on me because I was "giving my attention" to our child.(mind you, I work 60 hrs a week and he gets home everyday at least 2 hours before I do, not once did he ever help with housework, dinner, the diaper bag, I although was cleaning, cooking, nannying, doing his hair, laundry, so honestly yes, our sex life was almost non existent for 7 months) but I attempted to rekindle it after i was done with breast feeding, late night feedings, but by then he paid more attention to his Blackberry then my new teddy.

I Iove this man and honestly the cheating he did, whatever i dont care, (i did my dirt - worse than him) but the constant lying and the way he treated me, has just all compiled and I can honestly say "I do not respect this man as a person, let alone see him as the man he when we were dating.", I have no patience with him, physically I still find him attractive but the connection between my head and sex drive is gone with this man. i have told him ALL of this. He knows exactly how I feel, but he wants to work it out.He has deleted his facebook account (going on 4 montsh now) I am allowed to request his phone at any time, I have email/bank/website/ usernames and passwords. He has spent every hour, minute with me and our son, but I have tried to find that spark, dinners, a getaway, gifts, things that you would think might help. They aren't, we go back to court on December 10th, and as much as it is killing me, I love this man, with all my heart. I dont want a divorce (why i cant tell) but I also know my heart is not in this relationship anymore. I think of him now as a friend. he has made great strides in trying to prove that he wants to change and wants to be a real couple/family. I can feel how I am different when I am around him.

Why can't I walk away? How can my heart feel what it feels? My head know what it knows and this isnt an easy decision for me? Can i fall back in love with this man or am I done? My head says I am but my heart is still attached to him. Is it too late for me? Am I just wasting my time thinking my feelings for him will come back? I know that our dynamic has changed and that we have both grown into two people but if I feel this way, why was it so easy for me to file for divorce but as our declaration date gets closer, i feel like my head and heart are in another war with eacother.

Why is that major decisions that focus on the health of women in this country, men are the ones making the decisions?

Why are abortion, HPV vaccines and overall women's health issues and concerns left in the hands of men? They don't get Ovatian cancer, they don'tget pregnant, they don't have to live with a pregnancy resulting from rape. and they don't get vaccines shoved in their faces when they reach adolescense, so why these decisions, orders, and rules about women's bodies, made by men?

Am I the only one that thinks that's kind of weird? I mean, women don't control whether or not a male's penis shoudl be cut off if it's too short or long.

Leave women's issues up to women! But the hell out. Men; give us the information and then let us make a decison.

Ok, so I finished college in Dec. & I have the option of walk'n across the stage in June. I don't want to, but my fam is making a huge deal about it b/c I would be the 1st in my immediate fam to graduate college. Alas, I am torn. No one in my fam ever helped me through college. I never really received any encouragement when I was in school from my fam members, they just never said anything about it. School was like a burden to them, b/c I was always asking them to change the dates of events so I could attend. When I told my fam that I would not be walking across the stage (my choice - reasons about the school) I was immediately TOLD that I had to. I would not feel a sense of accomplishment by walking but just an obligation to my fam. I have told them this is how I feel and they basically all told me that they'd be disappointed if I didnt walk especially my mom.

Im confused b/c; well its college graduation but I'm not overjoyed at the thought of walking... what should I do.

If you have an argument with your significant other. I mean, a full blowout: name calling, yelling, etc. If one person storms out the house (in the middle of the argument) and is gone for upwards of 6 - 8 hours, but the other person stayed at the house, Should...

1. the person who stayed behind at the house call the other person after about 3 or 4 hours and tell them to come home

2. the person who left, call the house after 3 or 4 hours and tell the other person either they are coming home or they are not coming home. (they just want to stay out of the house for awhile longer maybe they are still mad, it doesn't really matter)

Now, the thing to keep in mind, the argument was about nothing, it was completly pointless. I have took the side that the person who left should be the one that calls first. Not necessarily to apologize but just to say that they are okay.