qcumber man

Due to the credit crunch i've lost me well paid banking job and now out of work i'm living on job seekers allowance of £65 per week.

Well out go waitrose and M&S i've been doing me shopping in iceland and BLIMEY i cant believe me eyes talk about rough women, all dressed in track suits showing off their midriff (stretch marks as well) teeth missing and tattoos all up their arms buying some off the most unhealthiest food and drink there is.

Mobile's in one hand while giving the kid a smack with the other hand and then swearing at the poor child.

I had the misfortune to be behind two of them in the queue, well the foul language that came from their mouths not to mention the unpleasant smell from the pair of them left me quite perturbed.

As they walked out of the shop the first thing they done is lit up their ciggies whilst one also opened up a can of pepsi from a just bought crate of 24 downed it in one then let out a massive burp. DISGUSTING

Well i thought people like this were just actors going on the jeremy kyle show pretending to be scum but no it's real and alive in my high street.

I admit i've been divorced from cut price shops and markets for many years but is this really England in 2008?

Walking past the local chemist on monday i noticed a sign in the window saying "Rampant rabbits 20% off" so in i walk to ask if the same applied to latex vagina's, well the old biddy didn't know what i was talking about so after explaining to her what they look like and what they do well all hell broke loose, she accused me of being a dirty ol man and told me to get out of the shop otherwise she'll call the police. A couple of young girls in there doing a bit of shopping looked at me in disgust, Well i felt so embarrassed i put my head down and walked out. What i want to know is in these days of sexism and equality why should i have to be put through all that embarrassment? i mean i've been using them for years now and i need a new one.

I have to ask this question as the punters on these shows are some of the dirtiest, foul mouthed, immoral,subhuman people i have ever seen. It seems if they aint on the JK show you can bet your bottom dollar they'll turn up on trisha. Does anybody know if the researchers walk the streets looking out for these people and what they offer them to tell all? Pity the poor folk who have these people as neighbours, i suppose if you are having a bad day you can at least watch these shows and think "well i dont have it to bad"

My girlfriend is the shop steward in our local factory and the workforce are having a lot of trouble with the management over new working practices, well they have had a few 1 day strikes here and there but now it looks like its going to escalate, and she has to talk at the workers union meetings.50% are for walking out whilst the other 50% are for agreeing with the management and with over 3000 employees they have a mass debate over the pros and cons of the deal. But this is putting a big strain on our relationship with her not coming home till the early hours and constantly being on the phone and dealing with paperwork i am feeling totally neglected and pushed aside, i told her last night its either me or the mass debating with her work colleagues, i know the union work means a lot to her so am i being unfair?

Well am i? i drink 12 pints of strong lager every day, i aint worked in 6 years, i have a plethora of tattoos all over myself, i adore shell suits and i have 17 of them in a variety of colours, my 2 front teeth are missing, i love to use the F and C words i often keep the missus short of money for the babies milk and nappies cause i like to spend it on my ciggies and a bet on the horses and if she moans i give her a smack in the eye (she always has a shiner) talking of the missus she also loves a shell suit has more tattoos than me is clinically OBESE, smokes 60 a day and dont like to wash to often.

The next door neighbour broke up with her fiancee 7 weeks ago, she kept popping in to the wife as a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk with as she was so down." I'm off men for life "she kept telling the missus, i knew that would be her first reaction but as i say its 7 weeks now and she aint had no johnson in that time so surely she must be starting to feel a bit desperate? Just lately she has been popping in for tea bags or sugar when she knows the ol woman is at work and she is always giving me a smile and a little stroke on the arm telling me she wishes all men were like me, well i think the time is right to let her know that im interested in a bit of action with her, the wife is going in hospital in 3 weeks time for a couple of days so the timing is all on my side, well as i say 7 weeks without any nookie has she gone long enough without it?

Since october the high st chemist has been selling a small selection of vibrators, "the rabbit is here now" advertised on the window. Well as a man i thought if they sell womens vibrators then they must sell latex vaginas for men, when i asked the assistant if they sold them she wasnt sure what they were so i described it and told her how it works........... WELL ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, you dirty ol man she screamed in my face, the other assistant was shouting for the manager to come as a pervert is in the shop, two girls in their 20s looked at me in disgust and a couple of old biddys waded in with more insults "dirty bstard" one said! lock that pervo up the other one shouted before hitting me over the head with her brolly and told someone to call the police, well i just fled in extreme embarrassment and ran home. What was all that about?? cant men have sex aids?? If they sell vibrators why not latex vaginas??

If you dont mind lads i'd like your vote as to a debate we had in the pub last night, just supposing you got shipwrecked and you see 2 desert islands 1 had jade goody on the other had vanessa feltz on(yes i know its terrifying aint it) what one would you swim to? I know its a bit childish but i would appreciate your vote?? so far weve had 1 jade goody 7 for vanessa and 76 said they would go down with the ship.

Alright i may be a bit older than a lot of you on here and i dont keep up with todays tv, music, or fashion but what is the appeal of this woman? every paper i pick up there is some fat slob looking at me and apparently this is who every one is raging about !Jade this jade that, Something to do with big brother or something (what a load of ol pony) last weekend was the worse i went in the newsagents for my paper and evey red top had it as front page headlines THE ENTRANCE OF JADE GOODY they screamed out, well after looking at her face i couldnt imagine a more revolting site than her entrance, i bet it looks like half a pound of chopped lambs liver and smells like a bit of ol mackerel...............

Me and the fiance had planned a lovely spring wedding but her mums interfering and audacity has led to me cancelling it, she was forever butting in, do this do that , no you should have this no you dont want that etc etc, but the boldest thing was last night i got a phone call to go round to her house "to discuss matters" well she only started going on about how i should make love to her daughter on our honeymoon, I dont want you being rough with her she said to me then told me to only do it in the missionary position, "not from behind" you dirty ol sod she added if she ever has an headache or just dont feel like it dont you force yourself, she added, i wouldnt anyway. I dont want you asking her to dress up in high heels and stockings either she added "though im gutted about that" she then went on to tell me to make sure she "O"s Then she said something about if i perform cunnilingus "whatever that is" to do it nice and gently. Is this woman fc uking sick or something?

Well if it is i salute him, what is his secret? mind you i suppose the birds that he has had over the years have kept him a bit lively, britt ekland, rachel hunter, penny lancaster (lucky bstard) he done some great stuff in the 1970's the killing of georgie, sailing, maggie may, and the unforgetable do ya think im sexy. Keep rocking dave.

CADBURYS CREME EGGS................... How do you eat yours?

What is britney doing to herself? did you see the latest photos of her in the press? I know i speak for all the red blooded men around the world when i say BRITNEY COME BACK to us as the super-super sexy babe we know you are, when ever me and the old woman have a bit i always close my eyes and think of britney, but now if ever i had the opportunity to bed britney...............Crikey i'd have to close me eyes and think of the ol woman.

I met a wonderful chinese girl 2 years ago and she came to live with me in england, well she just cant master the language at all. Ive spent thousands on sending her to night school and do my best to help her but all she has learnt in 2 years are the words yes, no and cup of tea. Trying to communicate is a nightmare it just doesnt look like she will ever learn english and i must admit my chinese isnt very good either, but she came over here to learn the language but its just not happening, could this relationship work?

I took the girlfriend out for a pizza last night but it slipped my mind that her new years res was to go vegan, when i cut a slice of pizza i was gonna feed her "we do these little lovey dovey things" anyway thats when she said you aint putting that in my mouth, she would only eat the bread itself, the tomatoes and a pepper. Apparently vegans wont eat/drink dairy products, milk, butter, cheese etc, is this corrrect? I love to get my teeth into a nice bit of red meat ,the bloodier the better. Is there any future for us? can a vegan and a meateater relationship work?

My girlfriend and i have some real childish arguments, the latest being a picture frame on the wall. Its one of those big frames where you can put 10 photos in the back of it and show them off all in one picture. Well she wants it to be 10 photos of her missionary work she done in africa some years back, i am a lover of dogs and i think that some pics of doggys would look much nicer. She wont compromise and have 5 of each so i told her NO! its doggy or nothing am i being unfair?

My girlfriend and i are trying to save £5000 for our new home, everytime we get close to it she sees something in the shops she wants to buy, we have £4600 sitting in the bank but now the bloody january sales have started she wants to withdraw £750 to spend on clothes. It's the same story every time we get close to our £5000 she takes out a good few hundred to go shopping, we'll never get a deposit at this rate, any ideas how to stop her withdrawing our money?

Ive been seeing this right posh sort lately and i aint got a clue what she is talking about, i really do like her so i aint rushing anything but the other night i hinted i thought it was time for us to get a bit more intimate, well all she said was "wait till saturday and i'll perform fellatio for you" I mean what the hell is this all about? am i gonna get a rendition of some actor in a shakespeare play or something?? i just dont understand all this posh talk.

I was watching an old programme on the tv over xmas about the magician paul daniels and his wife debbie mcgee, doesnt he realise why she is with him? i mean does he seriously think that she loves him? what must go through his mind when he looks at her? I mean she aint a right sort but she aint too bad AND SHE IS CERTAINLY TOO YOUNG AND PRETTY FOR HIM.Does he think if he was the local postie or worked in woolworths she would be with him? Surely he must know if he was a normal geyser she wouldnt look twice at him, so it all comes down to him and his millions. Good luck to him i say but all i am getting at is does she love him OR HIS DOUGH?

As an 80s music fan i think the greatest band of that era sung the songs two tribes, relax, the power of love etc, but i have a bet with a friend about the name of the band he insists they were called "colin goes to hollywood" but i am pretty certain they were known as" rodney goes to hollywood" is there anyone out there who is as clued up as me on 80s music and can confirm i am right?? i dont want to lose this bet as we have a 25p winner takes all and as i am a bit short at the moment and i could do with the money.