jimapalooza

A man lies dying in his bed, in and out of conciousness. In a moment of clarity he looks up to see his wife beside him holding his hand. He says "There is something I must tell you." She says "Don't talk, it's allright." He says "No I must tell you before I die, I slept with your sister." She says "I know dear, that's why I poisoned you..."

I'm trying to buy a house from this lady before it goes into foreclosure. She has already stopped making payments. Only thing is she owes more than the house is worth and way more than it will sell for. She seems to think that if she lets the bank foreclose then she can just walk away and it will only mess up her credit for a few years. I think that if the bank takes it and cannot sell it for what she owes they will come to her for the remainder. Am I right in thinking this or does anyone know?

Twas the day before Christmas and Timmy was sad.

He knew Christmas was coming and he should have been glad.

But although little Timmy had never really been bad.

He didn’t have presents for his mom or his dad.

He went to his piggy bank and gave it a shake.

He’d use money from his birthday and cleaning leaves with the rake.

But when he shook the pig it didn’t make a sound.

All of his money was nowhere to be found.

Then Timmy remembered the candy he’d bought,

and the toy he had gotten and already lost.

He sat down with a sigh and tried his hardest to think.

He needed some presents and he needed them quick.

He’d call up his Grandma and give her a shot.

“I bet she will help me buy presents” he thought.

He got Grandma’s number and went to the phone.

He gave her a call but no one was home.

Then he remembered that they had left town.

“Well there is another idea shot down.”

Timmy sat in his room and thought to himself.

He looked at the toys and books on his shelf.

Mom and dad had given him all of this stuff.

Whatever present he gave them would never be enough.

Then he thought “Why not make something for them.

I’ve got lots of glue and paper and pens!”

“But I already gave them a bowl made by me,

and that one set of handprints from when I was three.

I gave them pictures of cats that I drew.

What can I give them that’s exciting and new?”

Timmy sat in his room and he started to cry.

Before he knew it Mom and Dad were at his side.

“What’s wrong little guy?” Mom and Dad asked.

“I have no presents for you.” Timmy said with a gasp.

They both looked confused until Timmy explained.

Not having presents to give them was causing his pain.

Mom gave him a hug and wiped the tears from his eyes.

Then they both started to laugh, to Timmy’s surprise.

“You know, Timmy.” Said Dad. “You don’t give us presents on just one day.

You make every day Christmas in your own special way.

You give us warm hugs and make us both smile.

That beats store bought presents by nearly a mile.

We don’t need any more presents from you.

Because there is no present more special than You.”

I have some planted in a part of my yard that is too shady, would like to put them where they will get more sun.

I have a bunch of tulips planted in the shade on the side of my house. They hardly ever bloom and if they do it is usually one or two out of about 50 flowers. I was thinking I should move them and group them in the middle of the yard in a big circle where they can get more light. Would this help the flowers bloom, or would this kill the lot?

Does anyone have info on the Stevens Family of smith co. Tn? Specifically John Stevens, father of George M, Goodlow, Fannie, Mildred, Penelope, and Emma.

Mildred married a David Bradford, in an article I found about the wedding of George M Stevens and Lucy Carpenter saying that George was "of the firm of Stevens and Bradford" Any info on that firm would rock. Thanks for readin.

I am looking for anyone surnamed Stevens that may have already done a geneology on thier family. I would like to find out if some of the info I have is correct.

I am seeking information on a Hezekiah Stevens who lived in Smith county Tennessee and is shown on the 1830 census. Also a John Stevens shown on the 1840, 50, and 1860 census. I believe John is the grandfather of a George M Stevens who is my great grandfather. If anyone can help me I would be forever greatful.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City

and asks for the loan

officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business

for two weeks and needs to

borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need

some kind of security for the

loan, so the blonde hands over the

keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is

parked on the street in front of

the bank, she has the title and everything checks

out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all

enjoy a good laugh at the

blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as

collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to

drive the Rolls into the

bank's underground garage and parks it

there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays

the $5,000 and the

interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very

happy to have had your

business, and this transaction has worked out

very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we

checked you out and found that you are a

multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why

would you bother to borrow

$5,000?"

The blonde replies...."Where else in New

York City can I park my car

for two weeks for only $15.41 and

expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke....

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

I view a high mantenance woman like one of those supped up street cars you see teenagers driving. You take one of those cars, and you take off the decals, and the tinted windows, and the hood scoop, and the spoiler, and the chrome wheels, and you know what you have. A f**kin Honda Civic, not a Ferrarri.

A guy is walking on the beach when he finds a magic lamp with a Genie in it. The genie tells the guy I will grant you any wish. The guy says "I want to be rich and famous." Genie says "Your wish is granted." and bags of money appear at the man's feet. The man says ok, I'm rich, what about being famous?" Genie says, "To find out how famous you are now just watch tonights news about todays bank robbery..."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced

himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the

door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not fordeath's agony, he would have thought himself already

in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite

chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this

world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled

posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly

bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand,shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the

table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for thefuneral."

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Two cannibals catch a pygmy and not knowing how to devide him up they decide to each start eating at one end and meet in the middle. After a couple minutes one cannibal asks the other " So how do you like it?"

The other cannibal looks up and says " This is Great I'm havin a Ball!!"

First cannibal says "Slow down your eating too fast!"

A teacher decided to play a game with her class. She got different candies and blindfolded students, put a candy in thier mouth to see if they could guess the kind.

She blindfolded little Susan and put a Hershey Kiss in her mouth. Susan was having trouble guessing so the teacher says. "This is something Your daddy wants from Your mommy every morning before he leaves for work..."

Little Johnny stands up in the back of the room and yells

"SPIT IT OUT!! IT'S A PIECE OF @$$"

A man is sitting on a bench across from the White House. At exactly 10am he gets up walks over to the Marine guard on duty and says "I'd like to see President Hillary Clinton" The guard says "Mrs Clinton is not the President and does not live here"

Every day for a week the guy shows up at 10am and says "I'd like to see President Hillary Clinton"

Every day the Marine tells the man "Mrs Clinton is not President and she doesn't live here"

Finally one day the Marine gets mad and starts yelling "You idiot, don't you get it, Hillary Clinton is not President, She doesn't live here!!!"

The man replies "I know, I just like hearing those words...."

The Marine says, :"See you tomorrow at 10am Sir" and salutes

A bear and a rabbit were sitting next to each other behind a bush taking a dump. The bear looks over and asks the rabbit "Do you ever have a problem with poop stickin to your fur?" Rabbit says "Nope Never." The bear says "Good" Grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt.

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I want 4 shots of Whiskey, 4 shots of Tequila, and 4 shots of Rum, and line em all up on the bar." The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts downing the shots working his way down the line. The bartender says "Man, I've never seen anyone drink like that." Guy says, "If you had what I have, you would drink this way too.." The bartender steps back away from the man and says "What do you have?" The guy says " About 40 cents." And runs out of the bar.

Two nuns are walking through a park when all of a sudden these two guys jump out from the bushes, each guy grabs a nun, throws her to the ground and starts to rape her. The first Nun looks up to heaven and says "Lord Please forgive him for he knows not what he does."

The second Nun looked up and says "Mine does!!"

Two Nuns were riding bicycles down some streets in Paris. First Nun says "I don't believe I have ever come this way before." The second Nun says "It's the cobblestones..."

all walk into a pub at the same time and order a pint of beer. When they get thier glasses, all three of them have a fly floating in them. The Englishman turns up his nose and pushes the beer away refusing to dring. The Scottsman reaches into the glass, picks the fly out, throws it on the floor and drinks his beer. The Irishman reaches into the glass, picks the fly out and starts shaking it up and down yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!"