tonywuzere

i am trying to set up an alert on my mobile as and when i receive a particular email in my yahoo a/c... have gone thru the basics of registering phone and setting up the alert... but there is now no option to "forward to wireless device" on the set up page... all there is is to transfer the email to a user specific folder... any ideas anyone? thanks...

Subject: The telephone call

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

"Hello?"

"Hi honey

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door and shout to

Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the

driveway."

Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy.

"And what happened, honey?" He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on

and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head

on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to

clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause* **

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?"

Subject: Voted best joke in Ireland 2006

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last

year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well

done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says

there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad

Dublin accent, "Our

next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2

inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Just a note to those who have been entertained with the blonde jokes-thanks for your comments... and to those who have not been entertained-sorry better luck next time...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee."

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Escalator

>

> Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

>

> There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck

> on the escalator for more than four hours

> Car Dents

>

> A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught

> in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents,

> so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

>

> The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

> decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow

> into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop

> out.

>

> So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and

> knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing

> happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing

> happened.

>

> Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you

> doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had

> instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get

> all the dents to pop out.

>

> The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like...

> HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."

> Self Harm

>

> A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one

> night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

>

> "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked

> her.

>

> "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde

> replied.

>

> "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit

> suicide by shooting off your finger?"

>

> "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to

> my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for

> these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

>

> "So then?" asked the doctor.

>

> "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I

> just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not

> shooting myself in the mouth."

>

> "So then?

>

> "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is

> going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other

> ear before I pulled the trigger."

Thermos

>

> A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a

> shiny silver thermos.

>

> She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up

> and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

>

> The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot

> things hot, and cold things cold."

>

> "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing! I'm going to

> buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the

> next day.

>

> Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

>

> "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and

> cold things cold," she replied.

>

> Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

>

> The blond replied........"Two ice creams and some

> coffee."

> A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes

> out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ? "

>

> The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone

> call saying that my mother had passed away."

>

> The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you

> go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

>

> "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my

> mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here."

>

> The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A

> couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the

> blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde

> crying hysterically.

>

> "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

>

> "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible

> call from my sister. Her mother died, too."

Drive-In

>

> Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death

> in a drive-in movie?

>

> They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

Two Blondes With Hammers...

>

> Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a

> Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down

> house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a

> nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

>

> Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

> "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

>

> Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,

> about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I

> throw them away."

>

> Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!

> Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of

> the house!"

to overtake a slow moving funeral cortege whilst driving

A major flood hit on Monday evening .

Epicentre: Hull , England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several Priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Humberside reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Hull. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

· Fila or Burberry baseball caps

· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

· Shell suits (female)

· White sports socks

· Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

· 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims · £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 · £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause residents to believe they have been forcebly relocated to Beverley

Subject: Phasing out computers

I thought you'd like to know that there are a lot of changes that are

going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers &

personal computers go.

The goal is to remove all laptop computers by 30 June 2007 and all

Desktop computers by 31 July 2007 as a part of the ongoing

cost-cutting Around the organization.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing email.

4. No more worries about power cuts.

5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the

Screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

Have tried to replace my avatar with a picture from my 360 page, done what i thought was the right thing -edit profile/use my 360 picture - but it doesnt show up, just got the grey silhouette... anyone any ideas?

Subject: Kiss me Hardy

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's

the

meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do

his or her duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious

persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal

opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting

'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated

smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us

splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part

of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on

with it – full speed ahead”

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit

in this stretch of water”

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea

battle

in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from

the crow's nest please”

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.

no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet

regulations.

They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can

be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,

Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the

fo'c'sle

Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so

absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a

barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled?! I've only one arm and one eye

and I

refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the

rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is

under-represented

in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray

beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and

safety

won't et the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they

don't

want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the

adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon

and tell

the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,

Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of

being

charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a

couple

of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the

Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European

partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we

shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit

with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the

devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear

you

saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider killing every man an enemy who

speaks ill

of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this

multicultural age

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save

your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened

to rum,

sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's

a ban on

corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me,

Hardy."