chris w.

i need help to compose a very important letter.could i mail the letter to you and could you translate it for me to Turkish with all the correct spellings and format please.Its only a short informal note....thankyou

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

Still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else

could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,

'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddle s

all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

why does the word bed look like a single bed....

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not piddling in

your pants.

At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.

At age 17

success is . . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . having

money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is .

.. . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . having

friends.

At age 80 success is . .. . not piddling in your

pants.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's "Doing" her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

A scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who

eyes him up.

After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the

courage to speak to the scouser. 'Do you fancy a b l o w job?' He

whispers.

The scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a

pulp, kicking him out of the door.

Barman comes over and says 'Christ!

That was a bit brutal - what did he say to you?'

'Dunno' replies the scouser, 'something about a job

How a marriage works

all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, d irty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, ********? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I am watching on a Medical TV show, I finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimimg the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished.

Then:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptions, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fuuin gud I fel.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bi.tch."

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and

said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on

Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I

will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will

NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm

telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able

to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and

he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is

awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter

enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an

actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You

told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van

Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I

decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride

to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never

have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a

token of my appreciation."

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he

accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in

the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said,

"Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Hans said, "I hafen't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked. "Lordy! It's

2007....!!! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I

could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da

finkers?"

Hans responded: "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old

Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to

pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the

Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to

the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes,

when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very Slowly, she

approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.

What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the

Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray

for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews

and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to

stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely

as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60

years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fukcin' wall.

he Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,

"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,

"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,

"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,

"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,

"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,

"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The *** hole is usually the one in charge!

he Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,

"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,

"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,

"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,

"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,

"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,

"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The *** hole is usually the one in charge!

Hi Simon, i hope Gladys is ok. Happy Easter to you this 1975, from us all here at the Alzheimers Society.... ha ha..

http://www.jacquielawson.com/preview.asp?cont=1&hd...