Deborah

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged

An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"

Mum: "No it doesn't my son."

Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed

to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black

leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing

a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but

he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story :

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

tesco are giving away double club card points on burgers and petrol starting on monday......the deal is called only fuel and horses

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

one night a couple were lying in bed ..the husband was feeling a bit frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm..the wife turns over and says ,im sorry iv,e got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and i want to stay fresh..rejected the husband turns over and tries to sleep..a few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear ...do you have a dentist appiontment too..............

a woman in he mid fifties was at home happily jumping on the bed and squealing with delight..her husband watches her for a while.and askes ..do you have any idea how stupid you look.whats the matter with you...the woman continues to bounce on the bed and says ..i dont care ,,i just came back from having a mammogram and the doctor said i have the breasts of an 18 year old ..the husband replied ..did he say anything about your 56 year old a rse.she replied ..no your name never came up.......

a mother and father took their son timmy to a nudist beach..as he walked along the beach he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother.he asked her why ,she replied the bigger they are the dumber the person is....timmy is happy with the answer and goes to play in the sea..but returns to tell her that many of the men have got bigger packages than his dad..his mother replies the bigger they are the dumber the person is...again happy with the answer he goes off to play in the sea...shortly after timmy returns again..and tells his mother ..daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks the dumber he gets.......

a man was late going into work again,and his boss was furious...she called him into her office and said ..whats your excuse this time....slept in he shrugged.....oh for gods sake she replied at least tell me something i havn,t heard before ....he replied ...your looking lovely today.......

first there was tiger woods ...then there was lance armstrong......and now oscar pistorius.......maybe nike should start telling their atheletes ....dont ..do..it......

this man was so deeply in love that just before he was married he had his brides name tattooed on his love muscle...normally only the first and last letters were visible ,although when he was aroused the tattoo spelled w.e.n.d.y now on honeymoon at a resort in montego bay they are having a lovely time..one night in the mens room the hubby finds himself standing next to a tall jamaican at the urinals..to his amazement he notices that this man has the letters w.y..tattooed on his penis....excuse me he says .i couldnt help but notice your tattoo ...is your girlfriend called wendy.....he replies ,,,,no way mon i work for the tourist board ..mine reads ....welcome to jamaica mon have a nice day........

sam and bessie are senior citizens....and sam has always wanted a pair of really expensive alligaitor cowboy boots..seeing them on sale one day he buys a pair and wears them home....he asks his wife ,,,bessie do you notice anything different about me,,,,she replies no its the same shirt you were wearing yesterday and the same pants...frustrated sam goes into the bathroom undresses and comes out naked wearing only his new boots,,,,again he says..bessie do you notice anything different about me...bessie replies ,,no its hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it will be hanging down tomorrow...angrily sam yells.....do you know why its hanging down ,,its hanging down because its looking at my new boots.....bessie replies..you should have bought a hat.....

a blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.....after ordering a drink the blindman yells at the bartender ,,hey do you wanna hear a blonde joke,,, the bar immediately becomes quiet..in a husky deep voice the woman next to him says ..before you tell that joke you should know something...the bartender is blonde,,,the bouncer is blonde,,,and im a 6 foot tall 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate,whats more the woman sitting next to me is a blonde and she is a weight lifter..the lady to your right is blonde and she is a pro wrestler..think about it seriously mister....do you still wanna tell that joke....the blind man thinks for a moment..then says ....nah..not if im gunna have to explain it 5 times.....

in a local pubs trivia quiz a man lost his team 10 points ...the question was ...where do women mostly have curly hair.....apparently the answere was africa.....

a man is lying on the beach sunbathing,wearing nothing but a cap over his penis....an ugly woman is passing and remarks ,,if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat for a lady...he replies ,,,if you were any sort of lady the hat would lift itself........

the hubby always insisted on making love in the dark...after 20 years the wife turns the light on and finds him holding a vibrator..she goes balistic...you impotent swine ,,how could you lie to me after all these years...hubby looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says.......i,ll explain the toy you explain the kids.....