Janet

Hey Yahoo.

Last week I was presented with a very uncomfortable situation, and as an employee, I was unsure of how to handle it. It was approximately nine in the morning when a very sour woman entered through the door. I greeted her and was met with a very foul attitude. I tried my best to fight through her bullying attitude. I could tell she was probably bullied when she was younger, because of the way her face was constructed and also how big she was, and I believe she was just taking that out on me. She informed me that her daughter had come by earlier to jump and play. I work at Jump Ahoy, it's like a huge bounce house playground for children. I informed her I hadn't seen her daughter. She became very irate with me and demanded to see her daughter. I lost my cool for a second and replied "I haven't seen the little ************, bummer maybe next time". To this she got in my face even more. I collected myself, and asked her if maybe instead she would settle for some store credit. I offered her about 25$ worth, which was a very generous trade for what was probably a very disgusting little girl. The woman found her daughter locked in the bathroom with the lights off because the little girl accidentally turned them off and couldn't find her way out. She tried to blame me. Unfortunately, this was NOT my fault, so I informed her to "move along".

If I win any case she takes me to, can I take her daughter as collateral?

Kiss Kiss,

Janet

Hey Yahoo my daughter is having a child next week, a little girl, and she has given me the task of naming the child. Which name sounds best?

Sorenaty Grayse

Mikkaylah Murray

Hello Yahoo.

Today I have a very ugly situation and I have spent the last 2 days churning over what to do. Last week I decided to take a stroll down by the harbor. I stopped by a local pet store to take a look at some of the animals. I will add that I am severely allergic and it was against my best interest for me to walk in, but I couldn't contain myself. I was greeted by a woman named "Lydia". Other than the fact that her name is horrendous, she did not look like someone who should be caring for the animals. I decided to ask her a few questions to see where her qualifications lied. I asked her how many vaccinations one of the little pups had had, and she retorted with an "I can call my manager and get her list of up-to-date immunizations". As she was on the phone with her manager, I slipped and fell on some water. I felt myself plunge to the ground. I cried out in agony for "Lydia" to "Call at least 3 ambulances". When they arrived I informed them that I was probably suffering from a fractured neck. I told "Lydia" to be expecting a call from my lawyer. I also told her I would accept an apology and $250,000 instead of a lawsuit.

Who do I need to call?

Janet

Hello,

Last week at my place of work a gentleman by the name of Randy Clydesdale dropped by to fix some of the light fixtures. I informed Randy that his job was useless and told him to find some gainful employment. Randy immediately took up a very rude tone with me. I told Randy I was sick and tired of him abusing me and I threw a pen at him from my desk. The pen penetrated his leg, causing an abrasion that if left untreated could cause a very serious infection. I informed Randy that he might need to get a medical consultation. Randy called me a sarcastic narcissist and came down from fixing the lights. The heavy man pushed me out of the way, thwarting me to the ground. I almost immediately felt like I had suffered from a very severe neck injury. I told the on-call temp Marcos to call the police and an ambulance. The police arrived and Randy had already fled the scene. I told them that there was an armed and dangerous criminal at large and that they needed to catch him promptly, because God knows how many other necks were at stake. When I got to the hospital, I was informed that I had a rug burn. A very serious injury that happened as I skidded across the carpet after Randy's push. I am still getting used to the fact that I am a rug burn survivor. It has been a long and difficult road.

Do you believe I have a lawsuit?

Also: Any websites or camps for rug burn survivors that any of you know of would be great.

Many more,

Janet

Hey gang,

Janet here

So this Christmas I decided to do something very kind. I received an email from the deposed king of Nigeria's son, Maliku. I read his story of how he overcame grief and sadness, and about the opportunity to make "tons of currency".

Couldn't turn it down!

I let my daughter know that she too should help out Maliku, who is having a financial nightmare this holiday season. Maliku also has 3 children, and I just couldn't bring myself to let down little Jamila, Creo, and Masoki.

After figuring out the details, I sent Maliku a good amount of money to help him get back on his feet.... Or should I say wheelchair.... Apparently Maliku was involved in a very bad "farming accident" that left him without the use of his legs. Poor thing :(

After the money was sent, I received an email letting me know the money was safely deposited into an offshore account. But now there is a dilemma. I can't seem to get in contact with Maliku... I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he tried to swim to the offshore account to retrieve the money..... I don't think he can swim. And even if he tried, he has "very severe angsiety and depreshin" (his words not mine) from the death of his father.

I'm afraid my money may never reach him, or that he can't reach it.

Also if there was a tsunami would it take out the offshore account? I don't want someone to confuse him for a swimming Syrian refugee and shoot him!

Please help!

Cheers,

Janet

Yo funky funks

It's your girl Janet

And today I don't feel as healthily correct as usual. I decided that I should take myself out to lunch as a small token of appreciation for my loyalty to Mexico on Cinco De Mayo. Even though I am Canadian. Anyways, when I entered "Cantina De Sol" a very sweaty small man came up to me and tried to force me to "follow him to my seat"... Obviously a Spanish scam. I sat down and quickly decided I wanted the chicken nuggets from the children's menu. Another small sweaty man (probably another con-artist) told me that the kids menu was for "children" only. How rude. I ended up paying twice as much for half the meal. I ate the chicken nuggets with a grain of salt, although they tasted like Bruce Jenner had filled a bowl with diarhoea and called it "dessert". When I received my overpriced check, I noticed they had charged me a $1.25 for my Tea. I was so offended. What cheapskates. I decided not to tip the sweaty dwarves, because the money would probably go straight into the prostitution ring they ran.

A few days later and I feel like Bruce Jenner went diarhoea straight into my mouth and called it "a delicassy"

Can I sue their sweaty asses or should I just go back and "Dine and Ditch"

Many Sweaty Regards,

Janet

On Monday I enjoyed some raw cookie dough, a hefty amount, and my throat started to hurt shortly after, I brushed it off, and went to sleep thinking nothing of it. I woke up several times that night, confused, and with my whole body aching, I woke up in the morning and could barely get out of bed. There was some blood in my mucus, (my throat was sore too) and I threw up. My mother who also had some cookie dough had some stomach cramps, and she was throwing up as well. I am home-schooled so I don't think it's possible that I just "contracted" a flu.

Do you think I have salmonella?

On Monday I enjoyed some raw cookie dough, a hefty amount, and my throat started to hurt shortly after, I brushed it off, and went to sleep thinking nothing of it. I woke up several times that night, confused, and with my whole body aching, I woke up in the morning and could barely get out of bed. There was some blood in my mucus, (my throat was sore too) and I threw up. My mother who also had some cookie dough had some stomach cramps, and she was throwing up as well. I am home-schooled so I don't think it's possible that I just "contracted" a flu.

Do you think I have salmonella?

hey funky funks,

It's ya girl Janet with a strange question.

Last week I was enjoying a splendid time in the snow with my partner Jeanine, when a punk group of kids decided to ambush us with some ice and snow, striking me and my girlfriend in many ungodly places. I quickly grabbed one of the punks and held him down, the other few got away. I sat on top of his stomach while me and my partner decided what his punishment should be for attacking us. Since he had technically assaulted us, I decided to defend myself by sitting upon the punks face, who insisted his name was "Maric", and then I farted, and made him smell it. Then me and my partner took turns burping in his face. Later on his friends returned with their parents who called the police. I tried to explain what the punk had done, and that me and my partner were using the "stand your ground" law, but he didn't listen.

Do I seriously need to pay damages for the kid getting Pinkeye, or can I find him and show him up again?

Many Gratitudes,

Janet

What's going on!

It's ja boy Janet

Today I need some specific help with a stupid little **** that likes I ruin my day. Yesterday, I was outside gardening when my neighbors dog came and took a **** on my lawn. And by the look and smell of it, I think it's owners, my neighbors, have been feeding it poison. So I took it inside and put it down with some 409 and a few pills I take for my over active bladder. Now my neighbors are trying to sue me for 10,000$. Is this legal? Or should I put their cat down too,

Ranks and Thanks,

Janet

Whatup Funky funks,

It's your old friend (with benefits), Janet Numquam.

Today I have a rather hasty issue that really has been hurting my head. I was enjoying myself in my usual manner when a mysterious knock threw itself at my door. I very swiftly put on my pants and opened the door only to have my eyes burned by a Mormon or two at the door. Oh Buddha Ackbar I thought to myself, what in the Jew should I do? I kindly told the Mormon I was not interested in his Hindu ways, he then preceded to ask me personal questions that no saggy grandmother like myself should have to answer, such as, "do you have a cup of juice". I immediately knew this was a Jihad scam so I slammed the door and called the police. I informed them that there were two very hostile agnostics outside trying to persuade my religious ways and if they did one more thing I would throw a brick at them. The police said they would be there soon but I took matters into my own hands. I threw the brick at one of the Mormons, I believe his name was something along the lines of "satan" or something but I couldn't be sure. Apparently the brick hit him in the nose and he got stupid christian blood all over my patio. I told him to leave or so help the god of the Jews I would have a special offering for the wild raccoons behind my house. He wouldn't leave and then the police charged me with assault. Is this fair? Or can I just go to the rock and tell on him to the Jew god?

Many religious kisses,

Janet

Hello Yahoo.

My name is Janet Numquam and I am a loving mother that likes to nurture her puppy. Anyways. Last week my pup thought that she would just go and **** all over my new faux rug. I was devastated because, one, it was a very nice rug, and two, I didn't know my pup was capable of holding that much ****. I was immediately irate and took my dog and threw it into my puppy crate. I continued to call it names like "shithead" and "bitchass". It is not listening to anything I have to say when I get a knock at the door. It's my special needs neighbor, Rory, who is infected with Carpal Tunnel Hand Syndrome. Rory has just knocked over his mothers ashes and now he needs my help picking them up. He persisted to tell me that his mom and dad weren't home and he didn't want them to know. I told the 11 year old to go **** himself, and he told his parents and now they won't talk to me. I then decided to let my puppies bowels fill up, then let him go and **** all over their lawn. They called the HOA and now the police for child abuse. I think Rory is just making **** up. I think that's a side effect of the ravaging disease he has. Anyways, should I let my pup take another shot at their lawn, or do I just move far away from them and their special needs son, Rory?

Thanks a lot and Cheers,

Janet

Hey Everyone,

Glad to see the lovely yahoo community is still here to help.

Anyways, last week I was watching a very generous amount of television, when I heard a peculiar knock that I immediately knew to either be a vicious criminal or my waste of a daughter- Teresa.

My grandson, (her son), has to stay with me because she has decided to become a crackhead and now she is thankfully going to jail.

But now I have to deal with Giovanni, her piece-of-**** son. I frankly am so overwhelmed that I can't even dress myself, let alone touch myself. I've tried to look for adoring parents on Craigslist, but not to my surprise, no one wants the darn thing. I really don't want to send him to an orphanage. I know there's tons of Afros & Lice and I don't want him involved with that.

Please help a grandmother who wants her virginity back!

Janet

What Up Funky Funks.

I'm Janet. Not "jane" or "jan". Just Janet. The issue I'm unfortunately

dealing with today is a tough one. Last week at my place of work, Me and my coworker Stefan decided to play a little trick on a long-time pest. This pest, is Lana. Lana likes to bring her stinky Indian food into the break room, and then it smells as dastardly as a dead rat for the rest of the day. Stefan and I have had enough of this. She likes to walk around, spinach and stuff poking out of her yellow rotting teeth. So, last week on a very particular Thursday, Stefan and I unscrewed all the bolts to her chair. We also may have smashed some of her personal belongings, but let's not get carried away. So, the Friday after, she shows up in her little cultural outfit, drops her bag of left-over curry on the desk, and then goes to the break room to make some gross green tea. Me and Stefan could not risk to seize the opportunity to make our office smell better, so we took the curry, and he disposed of it. I went in and sprayed the febreeze like someone had died, and we then returned to my office as she unknowingly walked to her desk. She was so busy texting her testosterone-lacking boyfriend, that she didn't notice Stefan and I giggling as she sat down, and sadly enough, she broke her tailbone. I'm apparently being held accountable, and she's threatening to sue me for $30,000. Is this wrong of her? Would it not be ok for me to knock her lights out?

Much gratitude,

Janet

Hello Silly Dillys.

The respected name is Janet. But you can just call me Janet. Anyways, I have a multi-ethnic coworker named Lana. She unfortunately took a fall when I played a trick on her, and put oil on her steps. She broke her arm, and now needs surgery. Do I need to pay for her reckless disaster? She's demanding $80,000 for this, and I can barely afford my car payment.

Best regards,

Janet

What up funky funks.

The names Janet and I have a LARGE issue. This preposterous issue demands an argument. So, last week at my place of work, I thought it would be fun to play a little joke on my multi-ethnic excuse for a coworker. I dismantled the screws to her chair and it fell apart upon her sitting on it. I laughed and giggled as I clicked my heels, only to see her on the ground in agony, and my co-workers peering from the tops of their cubicles in apparent disgust. Now I'm no Remorseful Raymond, but she broke her tailbone and back when she fell. Apparently she just had a surgery there, and now needs another one due to her mistake of sitting down in an anonymously broken chair. She is trying to make me pay for her operation, and I'm also having my job threatened by my boss. Do I really have to pay this sorry fee of $2600 or can I just punch her dysfunctional face and tell her to stop talking to me when she has Indian food between her yellow rotting teeth.

Many thanks,

Janet Numquam

Hello yahoo.

My name is Janet. My 3 year old granddaughter is constantly calling me "poopy" and hitting me. I try not to give in to her abusive ways, but almost always receive a beating. Her mother is a piece of work who can't find a job. I feel I am her role model. But she hits and hurts my sore saggy body. I've tried getting her gifts, and one time I got her a bicycle. Her mother became very irate with me and threw the bike away. I'm trying very hard to be loving and kind but they have financially ruined me. I've been gracious since finding out she had been using my credit card to buy endless things. My husband died last year, cutting my source of income. My daughter is moving into a 3500 square foot home soon. She has made clear to me that I am not allowed there. I feel that all family surrounding me has given up on me. What should I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

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