Porky

A wonderful story from Bayou Cane

.

Boudreaux, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming

to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a limo.

She asked Boudreaux if he would paint her in the nude.

.

This was the first time anyone had made this request.

The beautiful lady said money was no object.

She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife Clothilde, Boudreaux

asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred

with his wife.

.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady

he was willing to do it, however, he would have to leave his

socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may

as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

"Inside every older person is a younger person

wondering what the f**k happened?''

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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt

our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by

the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"

who have found the courage to take on challenges

that would make many of us wither.

Harold Slumberg is such a person.

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks

do now that you're retired'?

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering

background, and one of the things I enjoy most is

turning beer, wine, and margaritas into urine."

"I'm pretty damn good at it, too."

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *** hole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face..................PRICELESS

Did you know they’re putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?

Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

GOT ANY OTHER MJ JOKES?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKi01rPexBI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKi01rPexBI

What were M J's last words as he was rushed to UCLA Medical Center?

....A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding

through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something

far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked

toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man

sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me! Do you have

water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you

like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very

nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot of a stupid Jew! I do not need

an overpriced tie. I need water, you moron!"

"OK! OK!," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that

you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you

have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east

for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go!

Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually

disappeared stumbling over the tops of the sand dunes.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where

the Jewish man was sitting at his table, his clothes in rags

and his swollen tongue hanging out of his sunburned lips.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill.

Could you not find the lovely restaraunt?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your stupid

brother won't let me in without a tie!"

A young boy about ten years old enters a

barber shop, and the barber whispers to his

customer,

"This kid is the dumbest kid in the world.

Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand

and two quarters in the other, then calls the

boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That

dumb kid never learns! He thinks two of

something is better than one and so always

takes the two quarters!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees

the same young boy coming out of the ice

cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a

question? Why did you take the quarters

instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone, smiled, and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, my gravy

train ride is over!"

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a

large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and

some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for

swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been

there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to

bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and

laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his

pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep

end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked

or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm

here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every

time.

Four friends, old college buddies who hadn't seen

each other in over 30 years, reunited at a party. After

several drinks, one of the four men had to use the rest

room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He

started working at a successful company at the bottom

of the barrel. He studied Advanced Economics and Business

Administration, and soon began to climb the corporate

ladder ...and now he's the president of the company. He

became so stinkin' rich that he actually gave his best friend

a top of the line Mercedes 700-Class for his birthday!"

The second guy said, "Man, that's terrific! My son is

also my pride and joy! He started working for a big airline,

and then went to flight training school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he

owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave

his best friend a brand new Lear jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's certainly something,

but my son studied in the best universities and eventually

became an top-of-the-line construction engineer. Then he

started his own HUGE construction company and is now a

multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and

expensive to his best friend for his birthday: He gave him

a 30,000 square foot mansion!!"

The three friends were still congratulating each other

as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:

"...So what are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride

we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and moved to San Francisco and makes a living dancing as a male stripper at a

big North Beach nightclub."

The three friends gasped and said: "What a shame... what a MAJOR disappointment!! We're so sorry. You must be very

ashamed of his failures!!"

The fourth man replied: "...No, I'm not ashamed at all. He's

my son and I love him. And he really hasn't done all that badly

either. .....His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a

beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new Lear jet

and a top of the line Mercedes from his three gay boyfriends."

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they

continued fighting, they would someday end up

destroying the world. Armageddon would be true.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole

dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that

each country would take five years to develop the

best and meanest fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its country the

right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would

have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and

Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and

then crossed their offspring with the meanest and most

blood-thirsty Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from

each litter and fed them the best food and then killed all

the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in

their quest for the perfect canine killing machine.

After the five years were finally up they had such a mean

and vicious dog that it needed iron prison bars on its cage.

Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed

up with a strange looking animal. It was a nine-foot-long

Dachshund!! Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one

else thought this weird animal stood so much as a slim

chance against the growling foaming mouth beast in the

jubilant Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs dog

would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened.

The Israeli Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center

of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant

wiener-dog. And then as he got to within an inch of the

Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed

the mighty Arab beast in one bite!! There was nothing left

but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in

total dispair and disbelief.

"We do not understand!! Our top scientists and breeders

worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans

and Rottweilers. They developed a perfect killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. ".....We had our top plastic

surgeons working for five years to make an African giant

crocodile look like a Dachshund."

An extraordinarily handsome man

decided he had the responsibility

to marry the perfect woman so

they could only produce beautiful

children that were beyond compare.

With that as his mission, he began

to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met an old

back-hills Redneck who had three

stunning, gorgeous daughters that

positively took his breath away. So

he explained his mission to this ole

Redneck father and asked for his

permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "Well,

they'se all a-lookin' to get married,

so yo'all shure done come to the

right place. Look 'em all over and

jes be pickin' the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked

for the man's opinion.

"Well,' said the man, 'she's just

a weeeeee bit .....not that you can

hardly notice ...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested

the man date one of the other girls;

so the man went out with the second

daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again

asked how things went.

"Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a

weeeee bit ....not that you can hardly

tell ...cross-eyed."

The Redneck again nodded and then

suggested he date the third girl to

see if things might be better. So he

did.

The next morning the man rushed in

exclaiming, "She's perfect!! Just so

incredibly perfect. She's the one I

want to marry!!"

So they were wed right away. Months

later the baby was born. When the man

visited the nursery he was horrified:

the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic

excuse for a human you can imagine!!

He rushed to his Redneck father-in-law

and asked how such a thing could happen, considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well......' explained the Redneck with a

wry smile... "She was just a weeeee bit

....not that you could hardly tell...

pregnant when you met her."

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire

estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it

'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas

hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta

leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his

pickup truck. '

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to

keep alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?

Documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-

40 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the

driver replies "Bout wut?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep.

Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The

library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in

flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of

them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas .When a

couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and orders a

mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't

from 'round here areya?"

"No", replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya

do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist", said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,

"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole

bar...."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

We make thin multi-layer colored jello for Memorial Day and July 4th But getting a thin layer of edible white has stumped us. We've tried numerous things like a thin layer of cream cheese but the other colored jellos bleed into it. Does anyone have a solution?

Yo mama is so healthy her BMI is probably exactly within the ideal range for a woman her age.

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Yo mama is so well respected within her profession that I bet she'll get another raise and promotion this year despite the downward trajectory of the economy.

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Yo mama is so good at cooking she should open her own restaurant. I'd be the first customer.

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Yo mama is so attractive she could be on the cover of Prevention.

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Yo mama is so Internet-savvy she should start her own social-networking site designed specifically for moms. It would be really popular.

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Yo mama is so well read she could teach a course on literature at an accredited university.

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Yo mama is so good at listening she makes you feel like she's put everything aside to focus all her attention on you. That's a really great trait to have.

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Yo mama is so skilled at coaching basketball she should apply for a job in the WNBA.

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Yo mama is so generous she just paid for everyone's meal at Applebee's.

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Yo mama is so supportive of you and your efforts that I wouldn't be surprised if you were incredibly successful as a result.

My girlfriend's name rhymes with a female body part. What is her name?

WHEN PIGS FLY !