Sad_Dad

So in the typical man-cheating-on-his-wife scenario, our society clearly identifies the cheating man as the "bad guy" and his poor, innocent wife as the victim. What about when this infidelity is preceded by years of emotional neglect by the wife. And not just complete lack of sex - no time for any physical contact (holding hands, kiss on cheek, etc) nor any time to just talk as friends ("too tired", "too busy", "kids blah blah", "just need time to myself", "need time with girlfriends", etc etc). Why isn't our society more critical of these frigid women who are suppose to be our wives? Not saying infidelity is justified, but doesn't the wife who has completely neglected her husband's physical and emotional needs at fault here too? Especially after repeated attempts by the husband to reach out to improve the marriage, but it's just not a priority for the wife? Just asking... Any thoughts?

Those who have gotten divorced, when did you decide to stop trying to work things our and move on? Those who have had and overcome problems in your marriage what made you stick it out? How did you know...???

Steve Harvey recently commented on Oprah the the 3 things men need from a relationship are love, support, and sex. Do you agree? and if so, are you getting the right amount of all three of these from your wife? And how would you rank the importance of these three things in your marriage?

OK I'm not making this up. The kids are all out and we're just doing chores around the house. It's been like 6 weeks since my wife and I have been intimate, but that's about par for the course. Anyway I approach her with obvious intentions. Her response? "Let me just finish this crossword puzzle then we'll go upstairs since the kids aren't home." Is it just me or WTF? Should I go through with it (hey I'm alittle despirate here so cut me some slack please), or take a stand and tell her if she'd rather do a puzzle than have sex with her husband I'll get back to her once I'm done mopping the floor...?

No real problems, just mutual lack of interest. No longer an emotional connection or support, just partners of convenience / habit. Divorce not an option because of kids and couldn't afford it (have enough trouble financially living together...). Any thoughts on the % of marriages that end up this way, vs the blissful 50 year relationships (with sex multiple times a week...!) I seem to read a lot about on Y!A...?

You know, things are really good (like 80% good) - we have great kids, we get along good as friends, good tag-team parenting, financial status OK to good, no abuse, drugs, additions, etc. But also no real intimacy or love. It's a good partnership without the passion. There is occasional sex, but its more out of obligation rather than any real desire on her part. She just seems to be going thru the motions. I still love her very much and want that intimacy, but she's over all that apparently. I have tried to talk with her about it but the conversation never really goes anywhere. It's sort of like living with a roommate not a spouse. Sad as that sounds, life is too good to consider trying to find that missing 20% with someone else. I'm just wondering who else out there is in this boat, and how do you cope with the lack of intimacy?

To set the stage: married 16 years, 3 kids, marriage OK but wife not satisfied, lack of intimacy / interest, the usual $ concerns (1 income family), tired all the time, etc.

About 2 weeks ago I asked myself what can I do to make my wife's life better / less stressful (and thus have the same effect on my life and our marriage...). Nothing dramatic here, just do more stuff around the house (without being asked or scowled at), talk to her more and take an interest in her daily issues, spend less time putzing around on the computer (including Y!A…), and kiss her goodnight every night.

Result: I really feel good about doing all this stuff. Sure I've seen some (slight) positive reaction from her, but the real surprise was that putting in the extra effort for her really makes me feel better about our relationship. I've even got the kids on board with a "chores schedule".

OK so now my question:

Here's one for the ages: Which will eventually win out, order or chaos? On one hand the 2nd Law says that basically everything tends to a state of maximum disorder (entropy), but also that all real processes are irreversible which generally means there is some heat given off / lost somewhere. This does increase the entropy of the universe, but causes the system to cool (i.e. lose some energy). A high entropy state is in general a high energy / temperature state, whereas if every process results in a heat loss, eventually the universe will cool and freeze at absolute zero since all of the finite avalable energy in the universe will have been lost to heat. Ironically this frozen universe end state would also be a state of MINIMUM entropy, since frozen matter/energy at absolute zero is in the most ordered state possible. So how will it all end up for this cozy little universe of ours...? A high-energy, maximum entropy stew of chaos, or a well-ordered frozen "heat death"?

For all of you married folks - Does your spouse know you're using this Y!A forum? Have they read all your questions and answers? Would you be comfortable if they did? Is this forum a useful place to exchange information, or should we be spending more time talking to our spouses instead of anonymous strangers?

OK my wife has no idea, but I don't think keeping this from her is a big deal since she doesnt share all her "girlfriend" chatter with me. And since guys have a much more difficult time establishing and maintaining the kinds of friendships where we actually talk about marriage stuff I think this is a good resource. Wives out there am I way off base with this? Would you see this as "cheating" or "lying"? How would you react if you discovered your husband had a Y!A account that you didn't know about?

My wife has no time for or interest in me, sexually or otherwise. She's very busy with the kids, etc, but there is never any time for us. She would rather veg-out to Nick-at-Nite or whatever. No interest in innocent hand holding, cuddling, or other emotionally bonding but non-sexual contact. Always time for her girlfriends, though. Otherwise things are OK (good kids, we're agreeable, etc). If I initiate intimacy she will participate but it's more going thru the motions for my benefit (not real good at faking it, but it's the thought that counts I suppose...). Should I be satisfied with this "as good as it gets" relationship, or try and see what issues may be getting in the way of our intimacy? Push the envelope, or leave well enough alone? I would like her to be a happier, more fulfilled person but not sure if I pursue this it may just aggrevate her. Thoughts?

OK so I keep reading questions and answers about how often couples are having sex and I'm getting even Sadder... I would like to pose a few questions ONLY to those couples who have been married at least 10 years and who have children? I'm hoping all these people who are having sex multiple times per week are MUCH younger than I... That said, if you fit roughly into this catagory, please answer the following...:

1 - # years you've been married

2 - Your age.

3 - # of children

4 - How frequently are you having sex with your spouse?

5 - How happy are you in your marriage (10=Bliss; 1=I'm leaving tomorrow)?

Here are my answers:

1. 16

2. 39

3. 3

4. about once every 2 months

5. 5

I am a late 30-something father of 3 wonderful kids. Good job, nice home, kids are perfect (well, I guerss we all thing that of our own kids...!). The only thing missing is any kind of relationship with my wife. Oh she's here, but so busy with kids, part-time work, community involvement, etc, that there's no time for me at all. Sex is basically non-existant (once every 6-8 weeks or so), but it's not about that. She doesnt even have time for "hi how was your day" small talk conversations. And no interest in the quicky-hug or kiss on cheek when one of us is coming or going, or holding hands walking from the parking lot to the store, etc. Cuddling in bed or watching a movie together also not something she wants. She also has plenty of time for her girl friends, just not me. And no lectures please on kids come 1st we're all about that, but am I missing something here? Is it normal for men to be getting no emotional support at all from a marriage at this stage in life...?