Heather

I am 36 (almost 37) and for a variety of reasons, never had kids. I always thought I might want to have them, but my desire to have kids has waned with time. It’s just become less important to me over time. But, officially, I’d say I’m still “undecided.” And now, I have begun a relationship with a man who might be “the one.” He has said under no circumstances does he want children, and in fact, has already had a vasectomy. So, if I continue this relationship, my fate is sealed on the question of having children. So, it just kind of scares me a bit. It is SO FINAL. (Even before I met him I was questioning it – I am not 100% sold on the idea of having kids, and I believe you should want a kid 100% before doing it. Plus, while I still “have time,” I don’t really have any desire to be 40 and chasing a toddler around). But, the idea of it still scares me a bit. I am totally unsure. Something is holding me back from making that final decision. I’d have to say my main reason to have a baby is to have companionship and care in my elderly years, which even saying it, I know that is a totally selfish and self centered reason to have a kid, and IMHO, not enough of a reason to have a kid. Opinions? Positives and negatives to either have a baby or not have a baby? Thank you!

My live-in boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a week ago. We have to pay this month’s rent before we can move out. He just emailed me and said he would pay this month because he "owes it to me." I was a little offended at first, being his girlfriend was not a job, and I did not invoice him at the end of our relationship. I think he is doing it out of guilt though. Now, I do want him back, seriously bad. Like, more than I can describe. But, he hasn't been communicating with me AT ALL, and this is the first chance I've had to say something. It isn't much, but I want to make it count. It's all I got. I know there are no magic words I can say to make him come back, but I know looking desperate is not a good idea. I want to appear as if I moved on, be confident and polite. Not rude, crazy, desperate or obnoxious. What should I say??? I could tell you the whole break up story, but it would take forever. To make things short, we were not fighting or anything, all was good. This was a TOTAL blindside, and everyone that knows us said he just panicked about marriage, probably. But, he can be very stubborn, so it won't be easy to make him come back. Help, please! Thanks!

I need some advice from the men out there! I will try to keep this short, but a lot of crazy stuff happened with this break up, so please bear with me. My BF of nearly 4 years told me he wanted to break up, he met someone else. I have trouble believing it is as black and white as that. First, he is not "that" guy. He is not a flirt. It took him 2 months to ask me out, and it took him 30 minutes to build up the courage to kiss me the first time. BTW – we are both 36 and I was his first GF ever. He did date a few girls here and there before me, but no other GF. Second, I could tell he wasn’t 100% happy with breaking up with me. I could tell it was making him very sad. Third, all these things happened VERY recently:

Last Christmas, I got him a subscription to a motorcycle magazine. He bawled like a baby at both his card and the gift. A MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION!

I was in a car accident (not serious, but I had to go to the hospital for x-rays) and he was totally broken up in the hospital, he was so upset and worried about me, and he wanted to kill the other driver, even though the accident was my fault.

Three WEEKS ago, we went on vacation, we had a great time. My friend asked him straight off if he was going to ask me to marry him. He said, with a huge smile on his face, “I can’t tell you, it would ruin the surprise.” I asked him why he did the trip with me, and he said he wasn’t planning on breaking up with me then.

Four DAYS before he broke up with me, I had called him. He answered the phone with a very enthusiastic “Hi babycakes!” While we were talking, there seemed to be a girl talking to him in the background (I couldn’t hear what she said). He did not seem to be paying attention to her. When he came home (we lived together) I asked him who it was. He said it must have just been a random person. He then added he would NEVER go behind my back and be with someone else. I have to add too, he is not a phone person at all, so it would not have been odd for him to NOT answer his phone. If he was trying to hide something, he just would not have answered.

Two DAYS before he broke up with me, we went to a rose garden, strolled hand in hand, stopped to smell all the roses, sat on a bench in a quiet area, and didn’t talk. Just held hands and my head was on his shoulder, and he was running his fingers through my hair.

This is in addition to all the little things he was always doing, all the affection he showed me, and we hardly ever fought. And I was good to him. I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry (we both work full time) we had a healthy intimate life, and I even did special things for him, like he has a special diet, and he can’t eat seeds. I would peel the seeds off of strawberries for him, just so he could eat them.

Now he has told me all he has done, this was all an act, the whole four years, and he always wanted to leave. He wasn’t truly happy with me, and he didn’t truly love me. Everyone who knows us doesn’t believe this. They think he is making it up to convince himself to leave. And he forgets I was THERE the past four years. I saw how he was with me, and how he treated me, and how much fun we had – we were always making each other laugh and smile. If it was an “act” he deserves every Academy Award for the next 30 years. Anyhow, everyone is saying he’ll be back to me, and that it really isn’t about this girl so much as it was he probably panicked about marriage, and felt like maybe he has not had enough dating experience. And that once he finds out her true colors, he’ll have time to think about me and how good our relationship was, and be back. (I have heard from mutual friends she is not even that nice or pretty, and she is much younger than him, they have nothing in common. They’ve also said he’s not even spending that much time with her, but he is spending a lot of time with his guy buddies). I also think it might be a bit of a mid-life crisis, even though he is only 36. The reason is, his dad recently had a stroke, and since that has happened, he has decided to learn to play piano (and bought a $1500 digital keyboard we did not have room or the money for) and he wanted to buy a sports bike and a sports car, but we couldn’t afford it. So, anyone have thoughts, ideas on this? Scared of marriage or commitment? Freaked out that I had been his only GF? Also, any ideas on how to try and get him back? Should I have our mutual friend he is now staying with mention I went on a date last night? (I’m not usually a game player, but I don’t have many options, he is avoiding me like the plague). Or he is just a jerk who played me good, and I need to move on pronto? Thanks all. Sorry for the novel.