Becks

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one

day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man

carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take

a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any

money, I'm broke!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in

the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said, 'not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto

her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces

of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will

personally eat the remainder ..'

The old lady stepped back and said 'Well I hope

you' ve got a dang good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke did you not understand?'

One year a man asked his wife what she wanted for her

B-day. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, looking in the mirror. On the day of her B-day, he arose early, made her a big bowl of cereal and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. 5 hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies for popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being six again??' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb @$$!'

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a cold, snowy morning. Both cars are totally demolished, amazingly neither of them are hurt. They crawl out of their cars & the woman says, "You're a man, I'm a woman we're unhurt, yet look at our cars, there's nothing left of them. This must be a sign that we should meet, be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another Miracle, my car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies "No, I'll just wait for the police."

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down too easily. Around 3 am, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to avoid conflict with him. (Even smashed; three plus nine equals12 cuckoos-MIDNIGHT!) In the morning my husband asked what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem p*ssed off. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

I make boys fly,

I make dirt sing,

Bunny's love me,

Buffalos hate me.

What color am I?

I hope nobody gets offended by this!

Star if you LiKe, PlEaSe!

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.

The following day he received following report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

Video on America's Funniest Video, it's a person who is half male, half female and they're singing a dut. I can't remember the song, but when it's male verse the male side sings and when it's the female verse the female side sings!!! Please help!

A son asks his father, 'dad, what's the difference betweent confident and confidential?'

His father replies, 'Well I'm confident that you are my son and.....

V

V

V

V

V

the boy next door is, also, my son BUT that's confidential!'

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get

started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a

rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle..

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns

to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be

able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .

There was a couple in my town

a marriage between a man and woman

who were light skinned like butter

I can give testimony

that what I say is not a lie

from the marriage 9 were born

8 were light skinned

I saw, no one told me

that the ninth came out dark skinned

The husband for many years supported them all

but in the end silence caused too much damage

so he decided to confess to his wife

this is how he did and you all will see

He said “Honey I love them all the same

they’re all little angels

and I carry them all in my soul

but we’ll talk about the dark one

without getting upset

Tell me is the dark one mine?”

And she answered

”Dear, the dark one is the only one that is yours”

How is that possible?

Here the bomb exploded

the marriage ended

she left with the 8

and he with the dark one!

I have eyes, but can't see. I have a mouth, but can't speak. If I am young, I stay young. If I am old, I stay old. What am I?

Beautiful from the front, ugly from the back, I transform each instant, and imitate the rest; what am I?

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?