Tidus

For Christmas this year, I've decided to send one of the few Christmas cards I do as a poem to someone very special to me. I've been unforgivably terrible towards this person and though I don't feel I could ever redeem myself I need to do this. So I've written a poem (The Icy Laments of a Fool) not for my special person to take me back, but for the person to know just how much she means to me, and how so very extraordinary she is. Accompanied is a sapphire and white gold pendant.

Here is the poem as it is on the card (PS the Romeo and Juliet bit is a reference to the way a boy with dimples asked this person out, something she will understand)

Merry Christmas Lea

To be honest I don't really know what else to say

After everything I've done, what could make things okay?

While my only desire was to protect you, love you

I did just the opposite making you feel distraught, morbid too.

And not a day gone by I haven't scorned myself for it

A constant reminder to hate, confine, abhor it

To have hurt the one woman who made me truly happy

Is a crime that I will gladly pay for in cold death, because you see

Somebody as pure and beautiful as the girl I once knew

Deserves nothing less than love and adoration, a heart matched by so few

Just a wonderful, shining star that I, the misguided tool

Turned my back on, never again to see the light

And so goes the icy laments of a fool

Every now and again I cast my mind back to a time more simple

To a time of Romeo, Juliet, the boy with the dimples.

I wish I could've taken a step back to tell you what would come

And spare you the pain of what I said when I was young

And true, now I'm older and more mature

A venom still seeps from a psyche once thought pure

No! No more excuses! just one thing you need to know

I have and will always cherish you so

Thus, along with my love, take my hopes, dreams, and fears

in the form of a deep, blue sapphire

The same hue I've felt all these years

I eagerly await you criticism and tips. Thank you so much!

So here it is, I tried, probably not hard enough but I did, and yet I have little to show for it. Granted, in the points leading up to and during my exams I was subject to serious racist bullying and had to leave my boarding house as a result, but I don't want to blame anyone for my blunders. In Drama I got two Ds, Music I got an A and two Us, and in English a B and a D. I had aspired to to study Drama at Uni but now that's out of the window. I literally don't know what to do now, I mean in class I always did so well and now in spite of that my future's gone with the wind. There are also no retakes for my year until I have to take my actual A2 exams. I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents, my mom actually went to Oxford and clearly all I'm gonna be is a withering disappointment leeching of my family. I can't hide my results forever, so if anyone could please give advice or kind words or anything that would be wonderful. Thank you all so much

Surely a person can be a narc, but also be a normal good natured person on the other hand. There HAVE been various cases of this and since there are degrees of narcissism its totally plausible, but I'd like to hear from you.

I've had the game for a few weeks now, but my spot pass doesn't work! Whenever I try to manually update it says 'unable to receive data' and I've never gotten anything before. I've gotten notifications today for previous days but no downloads either. Please help!!!!

I was given the snip as a kid, so I don't know any better but are things so different between a circumcised and intact penis? I mean I know that apparently circumcised men lose sensitivity due to the unsheathed tip of the penis rubbing against clothes, but I used to share a room with three other guys and whenever we masturbated (we were very close, but not as you might think) we finished roughly within the same time, about one two two minutes apart (I'm 7.7 inches by the way, and not insecure enough to lie about things like that). Maybe its that I wore very snug, premium underwear (which I have done for as long as I can remember) or something but my penis definitely doesn't feel numb, not in the slightest. Then again I don't know different. So it would just be very helpful to hear from everyone, guys and girls, about experiences with it, comparisons etc. Thank you so much!! And no bias's on either side please.

Lately I've been studying up on psychological disorders, things like narcissists and passive aggressive types, Sociopaths and the like, and though the three mentioned are very interesting to read about, but the latter has struck me the most, most of all because almost everything I read about Sociopaths I can relate to myself just as much as I can the others, though it is more alarming from what I've documented. The concept sounds so... Inhuman. I mean we can't really be devoid of genuine feelings? Empathy? I still have them!

I care deeply for my family, my friends, and cried when I broke up with my ex, (a lot) of whom was my first real love. But also (though I grudgingly admit) enjoy manipulation and getting my way, often isolate myself for long periods of time, am self centred, narcissistic, feel in a way, free from the 'constraints' of the social lexicon, can do outlandish things other people would not do and feel little of it, and don't really care about others, But I never used to be like that.

See I actually did things to make other people happy, I mean like I knew exactly how they were going to feel depending on the exact words I said and the way I said it, and really liked that i could make people happier by doing so. It made me happy. I even got sympathy pains for people. But as time went on I felt in my experience that no matter how much good you do for people chances are most of them are going to turn on you, as they have countless times in the past, so I just curb my little ability, to tear them down. Serves them right. It's fun. And apart from that its a rarity if ever that I make people happy the same way I used to.

Its sad I know but I can't really call up on the motivation to do that anymore, and I feel like I've become less emotionally numb, so to speak. For example I used to play with my younger brother of eight with the old toys I owned and generally goof off all the time incessantly, cry when I had to go to school away from him and just take care of him, but I've lost that playful, caring part of me, I simply can't muster it anymore, and it actually kills me to not be able to, I mean I miss him terribly but its just so hard to fathom the emotions, they're fragmented, but there. However in another way it also feels like I consciously suppressed my emotions to eliminate the weakness of feeling for others, and avoid getting hurt.

I should probably throw in that I was bullied terribly when I moved to a new school, in fact throughout simply for looking, different (lets leave it at that) and I'd like to think that's where it all began. Perhaps what I am now was first a coping mechanism. But what do you think? Could I be developing into a Sociopath? Its an extremely interesting subject to me so I'd like to discuss. Do you believe there are degrees to which one can be a Sociopath? Nothing rude please, and thank you very much!!