mooncrystal66

Is the concept of childbirth inherently misogynistic?

When looked at objectively, childbirth involves the following: giving a man pleasure and allowing a host of biological ailments to torture you for nine to ten months for no compensation, all just to bring HIS child into to the world so that HIS family line can continue. And for what?

"So the species doesn't die out," is the typical response that I hear, but who determined that was such a terrible thing? Is the peaceful and nonviolent extinction of only one of several thousand species of animals on this planet really such a steep price to pay for one generation of true equality and justice? It isn't as if we'd be punishing future generations: they wouldn't be there to be punished. The only people who would be upset would be those whose inability to separate their higher mental functions from the base animal instincts that we as a species have finally begun to outgrow have rendered them unable to stop clinging to the ancient chauvinistic bloodline obsession of our tribal ancestors. Have we really matured so little as a species that we're driven by the same unthinking instincts that drove our ancestors to invent a god that commanded us to "go forth and multiply" in order to justify their own animal lust?

This might be more of a psychological or sociological question than anything else, but it is relevant to marriage and divorce, so I thought I would get the most well thought out answers by posting it here.

Whenever I happen to post a question about whether or not I should do something in my marriage, I'm always told that I should do what I can to make my husband happy and to keep his attention. I read other questions (there must be hundreds of them) written by wives asking how they might best go about getting their husbands' attention. The one question over looked by both the questioners and the answerers is this: why is that desirable?

Why should we even want our husbands' attention? It seems to me that having your husband leave you alone and stop pestering you to come out with him, constantly trying to kiss you and bothering you for sex (and sex, and sex, and more sex, and onward into eternity) is a desirable state of affairs. Why on earth are we supposed to actually want attention from these people? Is it simply a sociological holdover from the days when a woman's fate was entirely dependent upon her man? Is it the result of social pressure constantly deceiving us into believing that we have to have children in order to be complete as human beings? Is it a relic left over from a more patriarchal age that hasn't quite worked it's way out of modern society yet?

Why, I ask: why should we want our husbands' attention?

A while ago, I posted a question asking why I should allow my husband to have sex with me, and the vast majority of the (non-troll) answers amounted to, "Because it feels good." That made me think and caused me to question an assumption that I don't think anyone has ever questioned before, despite the philosopher's imperative to doubt everything: why should I want him to feel good? Why should I want to feel good myself? Why do people seek happiness? What value does it possess? What does it enable? Isn't it just an emotional impulse that we, who pride ourselves as creatures of reason and thought, have a moral and philosophical duty to ignore? Is joy just another chemical emotion that we're slaves to without even realizing it, and if that's true, don't we owe it to ourselves and to society as a whole to liberate ourselves from it?

Everybody asks how to be happy, but nobody asks why they should be happy. Well, now I so ask. Respond, any who dare look into the abyss.

I've got what's probably the most clingy and possessive husband on the planet, selfish and insecure. To start with, he's constantly pestering me for sex, and for the first five years of our relationship, I'd give in and let him pound away at me to shut him up. Finally, a little over a year ago, I told him, "No more sex." Well, I certainly learned what was most important to HIM in a relationship. Ever since then he's been constantly trying to talk me into bed like some kind of teenager. We're both almost thirty: our sex lives are going to go down naturally, but he just wants to hold onto the past. He'll complain and whine (really attractive in a man, whining) and constantly drop cheesy lines like, "We should express our lov physically," and "Making love is an important part of our relationship." One year without sex and Mr Big and Strong is complaining whiner. Poor baby lost his pliant little f--k doll.

On top of that, he's forever trying to drag me out of bed to, "do something on this beautiful day." It doesn't matter how much it's raining, snowing, a hundred degrees, or zero degree, it's always a "beautiful day." He'll try to drag me out with his loser friends, or to some stupid restaurant he's found, or on some vacation that we can't afford. A few months ago, I got an apartment in a different city, citing the need to be closer to my job. The commute was killing me, to be sure, but the real reason was just to have some peace and quiet.

But even that wasn't enough. He's always calling me and trying to come over and trying to guilt me into seeing him with cheap lines like, "The bed's cold without you. Why don't you come home, baby?" Because I don't want to be harassed, dear. And, yes: he really did use that line. On top of it all, everyone always takes Mr. Wonderful's side, even my own family. He's got them wrapped around his finger but good.

Lately, though, he's been getting meaner and nastier. He'll snap at me whenever we talk and has started talking about divorce often enough to make me nervous. It's been eye-opening, to say the least. Maybe he should have amended his marriage vows from, "Till death do we part," to, "Till wife doesn't put out do we part." Was sex really all that our relationship was about? Is sex all that any relationship is about? How do I convince him that there's more to me than my chest and my legs? How do I save my marriage from being destroyed by this immature clinger?

Why does everyone think I hate my husband?

Whenever my friends, or his friends, spend any amount of time around us, sooner or later I always get the same question. They'll look at me and cock their heads like I've just said something in an alien language and ask me, "Why are you married to this guy? You obviously hate him."

It drives me up a wall. I love my husband very much, though I'm not blind to his hundreds of faults. it never fails, though. Every single person that we mutually know has asked me this, and they don't seem to believe me when I tell them that I love him.

On top of it all, they always seem to take HIS side. "You should treat him better. Why don't you let him find someone who loves him? He's so good. He's so nice. He's so hard working. He's just so very perfect. You're so lucky." Yes, that's right: he's Mr. Wonderful while I'm always the evil screw-up. For crying out loud, my own parents like him more than they like me. "Why do you hate him so much?" everyone always asks me. I don't hate him, but if everybody else had to live with him, they wouldn't love him so much.

What do I have to do to convince everybody?

This is more of a philosophical question, but I put it in the marriage and divorce category because it pertains to marriage.

I've been reading a lot of questions on this site and asked a few of them myself, and was suprised at the number of answers that suggested that women sacrifice their own desires to please their husbands. I ask why I should do something, and I'm always told a variation on the answer, "Because it's important to him and makes him happy." The question that this raises is the question of this post: Why should we care?

Why should we care about what makes our husbands happy? This is the twenty first century: women are no longer glorified sex slaves who live to please their husbands. Generations have struggled against a sexist patriarchal society and finally won us lives of our own, lives not defined or dictated by the men in our life. What do we do with this incredible gift? It seems like we throw it away, constantly worried about whether or not our men are happy with us. We're like slaves who've had their chains taken off, but still stay with their masters because they're too broken to know anything else. Each person in this world is responsible for her or his own happiness, and if something I do makes my husband unhappy, isn't that his problem? And why should I go out of my way to do things just to make his day better? Is the so-called age of equality just a lie? Just for the record, I live in America, not Saudi Arabia where I'm my husband's property.

If he wants his dinner, he can go make it himself. If he wants the place clean, he's got two perfectly good hand that he can use to operate a vacuum. If he's had a bad day, he can go whine to his friends. If he wants sex, I refuse to be his prostitute. Nobody owns me, and I'll never I sell myself for some cheap approval.

Only people with an actual answer need comment. Keep your accusations of trolling to yourself.

This is kind of a repost, since my last question wasn't very well worded.

I'm twenty eight years old, healthy, and married to a man I love. I've recently discovered that I have a very active sex drive. The only problem is, my husband is excluded from it.

Sex with my husband is such an incredible turn off. It feels disgusting and wrong. I don't know why because he's quite an attractive man. Usually when he makes advances towards me, I have and excuse ready, and he's usually understanding, but every few months he starts to really pester me and get all butt hurt about it, so I lie back, pretend I'm somewhere else, and let him have his way with me for twenty minutes. Finally, about seven months ago, I told him in no uncertain terms, "No more sex." I was sick of allowing myself to be raped for the sake of our relationship and felt like a prostitute. It's led to several problems in our relationship, and I'm constantly worried that he might leave me or cheat.

Seven months later, I'm a sexually frustrated mess. I never knew that a person could crave sex so much. I find myself lusting after just about every man in my life, and I know it's just a matter of time before I cheat on my husband. I know that sounds terrible, but women have needs too, and I need sex. It's been so long and I'm aching for someone to touch me. To rub extra salt in a raw wound, my husband is still constantly trying to worm his way into my pants.

One of my co-workers--an amazing man, by the way, and the star of almost every single one of my nightly sex dreams--has expressed and interest in me, and he has a house in another town that we could use. I'm often away from home for work and my husband would never know. I don't want to cheat on him, but I feel like I'm about to go crazy if I don't get some physical intimacy soon. I'm seriously considering having a no-strings affair with this man. Should I go for it? I'm extremely divided. I don't want to be unfaithful, but I'm not even thirty yet and I can't imagine going through THE REST OF MY LIFE without sex. What should I do?

I love my husband, but sex with him just feels so creeps and wrong. When he touches me, my skin crawls. It feels almost incestual, like my brother is coming on to me (not that my brother has ever come on to me). It creeped me out that he kept trying to get me into bed, so about seven months ago I finally told him, "no more sex."

Flash forward to August. I'm extremely sexually frustrated and I find myself lusting after just about every man I see. Someone I work with has expressed and interest in me, and I'm feeling my fingers tingle just thinking about it. I don't want to cheat on my husband, but I REALLY need sex. That's right, you didn't misread that: women need sex too. Welcome to the twenty first century.

What should I do? I'm so torn. I'm certain that my husband would never find out about it (I work in a different town, and he lives right down the street from where we work) and I feel like I'm going crazy. On the other hand, I'd hate to break my marriage vows, but I really feel like I'm depriving myself of something vital to the human condition? Which should I choose?

I love my husband very much, but I hate having sex with him. He's a wonderful man, and attractive, but he's always pestering me for sex. Whenever he touches me, I want to puke. It's just such a violating and generally wrong feeling to know that he lusts after me like I'm some kind of prostitute. I don't have a sexual aversion, and I've never had this problem with any other men, just him. Eventually, I got sick of letting myself be used every few months just to keep him happy, so I told him point blank in December that there'd be no more sex. Well, I certainly learned what was most important to HIM. He was constantly harassing me about our lack of sex and, lately, I've noticed him looking at other women. I don't want him to leave me or cheat on me, so I've decided to just suck it up and let him pound away at me every once and a while to keep him happy. The question is, what's the bare minimum number of times a year I can have sex with him to keep him in the relationship? I'm thinking four (once every three months). Is that too little? Or could I get away with less? We'll both be thirty soon, so the frequency of our sex should be going down anyway. Any opinions?

My husband and I have been together for several years and I love him very much. There's just one glaring problem: I loathe having sex with him. He's not bad looking, but my skin crawls whenever he touches me. He's constantly trying to talk me into bed. "It's supposed to be and act of love," or, "I just want to make you feel good." If he really wanted me to feel good, he'd leave me alone. Every few months, he really starts acting all butt hurt about it, so I get undressed, lie back and let him rape me for twenty minutes. Okay, it's not actually a rape, but that's what it feels like: a violation in every sense of the word. Finally, I told him point blank: no more sex. I'm sorry, but this isn't the fifties: sex is NOT his to demand by right.

Here's the problem. Lately, I've caught him looking at other women. I'm afraid he's going to leave me or cheat on me. How can I keep the man I love without prostituting myself?