Rizzy

Idk if anyone will read this but I'm 19, when i was 14 i was officially diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and extreme anxiety, so the never ending testing of meds began pretty early. I've been to 3 Mental hospitals for suicide attempts, 2 rehabs for drug abuse (weed alcohol pills meth eventually heroin) and 2 RTC's for "behavior observation" im not violent or vicious.I keep my issues to myself so i dont bother anyone, then eventually shatter. back story I'm adopted,my mom and bio mom hate eachother so its impossible to have a relationship with one without hurting the other.bullied since i was in middle school i never really turned into "One of THE girls" I get along with people, i just don't get close with them or realy care to .I've let Men (and let get away with) abusing me just so i could feel like someone "wanted me" i feel i deserve to be beat sometimes. physical pain makes me feel less guilty about the overwhelming amount of mental pain/depression.i cut to "release my poison". I dont want to give the impression that i have a horrible life. I have a lot of family that loves/supports me, a therapist, a shrink, etc. I have one best friend that ive had since i was 5, literally the only reason im alive, shes the only one i feel i can tell almost anything without feeling judged. That makes me feel even worse it makes me hate myself, why cant i be happy. Im such an ungrateful peice of **** i have few good reasons to lie awake wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Hi,Idk if anyone will read this but I'm 19, when i was 14 i was officially diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and extreme anxiety, so the never ending testing of meds began pretty early. I've been to 3 Mental hospitals for suicide attempts, 2 rehabs for drug abuse (weed alcohol pills meth eventually heroin) and 2 RTC's for "behavior observation" im not violent or vicious.I keep my issues to myself so i dont bother anyone, then eventually shatter. back story I'm adopted,my mom and bio mom hate eachother so its impossible to have a relationship with one without hurting the other.bullied since i was in middle school i never really turned into "One of THE girls" I get along with people, i just don't get close with them or realy care to .I've let Men (and let get away with) abusing me just so i could feel like someone "wanted me" i feel i deserve to be beat sometimes. physical pain makes me feel less guilty about the overwhelming amount of mental pain/depression.i cut to "release my poison". I dont want to give the impression that i have a horrible life. I have a lot of family that loves/supports me. I have one best friend that ive had since i was 5, literally the only reason im alive, shes the only one i feel i can tell almost anything without being judged. That makes me feel even worse it makes me hate myself, why cant i be happy. Im such an ungrateful peice of crap.. Im not homeless, i have a big family, but at night I lie awake wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Hi,.. Idk if anyone will read this, but I'm 19.., when i was 14 i was officially diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and extreme anxiety, so the the never ending testing of meds began, (they are still changing ever few months). I've been to 3 Mental hospitals for suicide attempts, 2 rehabs for drug abuse (weed, alcohol pills, meth, eventually heroin) and 2 RTC's for "behavior observation "..dont get me wrong. Im not like..violent or explosive.Im the bottle it up, keep my issues to myself so i dont bother anyone, then shatter. Some back story I'm adopted,.my mom and bio mom hate eachother so its impossible to have a relationship with one without offending the other. bullied since i was in middle school i never really turned into "One of THE girls" I get along with people, i just don't get close with them or realy care to. I have one best friend that ive had since i was 5, literally the only reason im alive.I've let guys abuse me just so i could feel like have someone who "wanted me", physical pain makes me feel less guilty about the overwhelming amount of mental pain/depression.so i cut to "release my poison". I dont want to give the impression that i have a horrible life. I have a lot of family that loves/supports me, no its not perfect and sometimes it can be abusive, but we got counseling. And that makes me feel even worse it makes me hate myself, why cant i behappy. I have happy moments, but at night lie awake wishibg i could go to sleep and never wake up.Whats wrong with me