gamblin man

An Indian lad, son of a chief, grew up and moved off the reservation. He had an elder brother, so he assumed he'd never be called upon to lead the tribe when his father passed, so he didn't keep up with the ways of his people and learn the wisdom of his father. As fate would have it, both the father and the elder brother were tragically killed in an accident, and the young brave was called back to lead the tribe.

One of the first problems presented to him was, "How much firewood should we gather for the winter?" Not knowing the meaning of a woolly caterpillar, the new chief put in a surreptitious call to the local National Weather Service office-- "Hey, can you guys tell me if we're expecting a mild winter or a cold one?" He's told, "Our indications are that this winter is expected to be somewhat cooler than normal." He decides to err on the side of caution, and tells his people to gather much firewood.

After a week of gathering firewood, his people ask if they've gathered enough. He wants to make sure, so he calls the local NWS office again. "Since last week, we've revised our long range forecast. It's expected to be much colder than normal." "Gather more firewood," the young chief tells his people.

A week later, they ask if they finally have enough. Another call to the local NWS office. "We now expect a record-breaking winter. Temperatures are expected to be the coldest ever." "Just two weeks ago, you said to expect a 'somewhat cooler than normal' winter. What's with the huge change in just two weeks?"

"Well, we've observed that the Indians around here are gathering firewood like crazy!"

I'm in the process of establishing a scholarship in memory of my son. Right now, I estimate that it should be able to generate about $8,000 per year. My thoughts are that it would be better to pay it out $2,000 at a time for four years. This would avoid the possibility of a recipient using it up the first year and then dropping out, and we would have the benefit of being able to add $6,000, $4,000 and $2,000 to the fund for the first, second and third years, adding to the principal and enabling us to increase the annual amount to a total of about $9,000. My wife is convinced that "it's just not done that way," and the entire amount should be paid out right away. I feel that it's (ultimately) our money, and we can pay it out however we want. It's been a while since I've been in school, so how's it done? Anyone have any experience with a scholarship that paid out over a period of time?

Of course you do-- that's why you're in the Jokes and Riddles section!

After a year of wedded bliss, the shy bride finally got up the nerve to ask her hubby a question she had been wondering about ever since they became serious.

"Honey," she asked, "how many women have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to answer that," responded her beloved. "You'll get mad at me."

"I promise I won't get upset. I just want to know," she pleaded.

"Well, okay, if you promise. Let's see, now. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, then there's you, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."

He's expected to be released from the hospital in about two months.

Despite all expectations, Osama bin Laden makes it to Paradise. He's immediately called into a room where he meets George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry, James Madison, Robert E. Lee, and about five dozen others. When he asks what's going on, he's told, "I'm afraid you people didn't quite understand. These are your 72 Virginians."

The Norse god Thor was waking up in Asgard after a wild orgiastic party the night before. All the gods and godesses were still sleeping off the aftereffects of the previous evening's debauchery, when he wanders outside and encounters a beautiful nude but dazed young valkyrie that somehow managed to escape his carnal attentions. Feeling once again aroused, he approaches her and introduces himself.

"Good morning!" he thunders, "I'm Thor! And you are...?"

The valkyrie responds, "What, you think YOU'RE Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

Sorry, no joke-- it really happened!

I asked on CruiseCritic.com if anyone knew of a website that alerts you when the price for a specific cruise has dropped, similar to some out there that check airfares. Someone answered back with a site, but the name got *starred* out like a swearword in a naughty file. CruiseCritic doesn't allow postings about specific travel agents, lest it get clogged up with advertising posts, but I'm not sure why they wouldn't allow this. Anyone know of such a site?

On CruiseCritic.com, they prohibit posters from recommending TA's because they don't want TA's to flood the boards with advertising, but many people are happy to tell (without mentioning names) how their TA got them $400 of OBC, free upgrade, whatever. None of my local TA's will offer anything special. Without calling every TA in the country, how can I find these great TA's? Any good websites out there?

The possible answers:

A) Three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

B) Nothing is greater than God, more evil than the devil, a rich man needs it, a poor man has it, if you eat it, you die

C) The chicken

D) The egg

E) The world will end in 2012

F) The moon landing was faked

Look at the Saints remaining schedule-- at Washington, at Atlanta, host Dallas, host Tampa Bay, at Carolina. The Colts host Tennessee, Denver, travel to Jacksonville, host New York Jets, travel to Buffalo. Both have a good shot to go 16-0 and clinch home field advantage. If they both win their conference championships, it means somebody's gonna have a perfect season, and we won't have to wait til the Super Bowl to know that the '72 Dolphins will be getting company! Thoughts?

True story. We were playing cribbage when she managed to peg 12 points and held 16 in her hand. I was fuming at my bad luck when she said, "I suppose you think I'm the vein of your existence?" I said, "You mean, 'the bane of my existence', don't you?" She said, "No, the vein of your existence, you know, like a pain in the a$$." "Oh," I exclaimed, "you mean you're a hemorrhoid???"

It took me ten minutes to stop laughing. She fails to see the humor in this.

A man has a clock that chimes once for every hour at the top of the hour-- for example, at 6 o'clock, the clock chimes six times. It also chimes once on the half-hour.

He returns home in time to hear the clock chime once. A half-hour later, it chimes once. A half-hour after that, it again chimes, just once. Again, a half-hour later, it chimes just once. Finally, as he's leaving, he hears it chime, but just once.

What time was it when he first came home?

Three men tragically die in a car accident, and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets them, and says, "You'll be happy to know that we've had to relax the standards for admission, since so few these days make it in. All you have to do is tell me the meaning of Easter."

The first man says, "Well, Easter is when we cut down a tree, bring it in the house, decorate it, and Santa Claus leaves presents, and..."

"No," says St. Peter, "you're thinking of Christmas. You go to the other place."

The second man says, "Easter is when we have parades and picnics, shoot off fireworks, and..."

"No," St. Peter interrupts, "that's Fourth of July. Go with the other guy."

The last man solemnly says, "The story of Easter is how, on Good Friday, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was crucified on the Cross. He suffered, died, and was laid in the tomb, and a large stone was rolled across. On the third day, the stone was rolled away..."

"Yes, yes?" implored St. Peter.

King Arthur was off to the Crusades, but he stopped in at Merlin's workshop before he left.

"Merlin, old friend, before I leave, I need you to provide me with a chastity belt for Queen Guinevere, for while I trust her to be faithful, and the Knights of the Round Table are all honorable men, I fear the combination of the Queen's great beauty and the Knights' natural manliness may prove too much. What have you?"

Merlin produced a belt, but it had a large, round hole just where common sense would seem to dictate protection was most needed. "Are you mad? What good is that?" asked Arthur. Merlin took his magic wand and inserted it in the opening. A large blade came down, slicing the wand neatly in half. "Ingenious!" shouted the King. Within minutes, the Queen was fitted with the belt, and Arthur was off on his epic journey.

Returning, a year later, he summoned the Knights to the Round Table. "Okay, boys, drop your pants for inspection," said His Majesty.

I'm looking for a graphics program that will allow me to take an image of a sign, shot at an angle, and straighten it out-- that is, give me an approximate 2D image of what the sign would have looked like if shot straight on. It doesn't need to me extremely high quality, but should keep distortion to a minimum. Anything available for free download?

The Devil tells him there's a problem, that they're at full capacity. "But don't think that means you're going to get out of punishment, you're more evil than most people here. To make room, I'll release one of the others, and you'll take their place. I'll even let you pick what punishment you get."

They proceed to a lake, where Ted Kennedy is continuously diving in and coming up empty, diving in and coming up empty. "I can't swim," says OJ, "I can't do that." On the beach, Michael Vick is buried up to his neck, and an endless line of dogs are waiting to use his head as a fire hydrant. "I think I'll pass on that, too," says the Juice. Then they come upon Bill Clinton, staked to the ground, spread-eagled and naked. Monica Lewinsky is on top of him, doing, well, what she's famous for. "I don't like the idea of being stuck like that for all eternity," OJ states, "but it looks like it has its advantages. I'll take that." "Okay," says Satan, "you heard the man! You're free to go, Monica!"

...and, of course, goes straight to Hell. The Devil informs him that they're at maximum capacity-- there's not room for one more damned soul, literally, "But don't think that you're going to get out of punishment, you're badder than most people here. What I'm going to do is release one of them, and you'll take their punishment. Because I like your style, I'll let you pick what punishment you get."

They proceed to the Lake of Fire and Brimstone, where Ted Kennedy is continuously diving in and coming up empty, diving in and coming up empty. "I can't swim," says OJ, "I can't do that." On the beach, Michael Vick is buried up to his neck, and, farther than the eye can see, dogs are waiting their turn to use his head as a fire hydrant. "I think I'll pass on that, too," says the Juice. They then come upon Bill Clinton, naked and spread-eagled, with his wrists and ankles staked to the ground. Monica Lewinsky is on him, doing...

There was a young fellow named Skinner,

Who took a young lady to dinner.

They sat down to dine

At a quarter past nine,

And at quarter past ten, it was in her.

(The dinner was in her, not Skinner--

Skinner was in her before dinner.)

There was a young fellow named Tupper

Who took a young lady to supper.

They sat down to dine

At a quarter past nine,

And at quarter past ten, it was up her.

(Not Tupper, and not the supper--

It was some son of a ***** named Skinner!)

I picked up my daughter from middle school. On the ride home, I asked her how she was doing with all her new classes. She said, "Well, I'm doing very good in my Spanish class!"

I said, "Bueno!"

She replied, "Huh?"

When dealing with relativity issues at velocities near the speed of light, are not motion and velocity measured relative to a particular frame of reference? If the frame of reference is Earth, and the observer is looking at a spaceship moving at near the speed of light, its mass is heavier, length contracts, time slows down. But from an observer on the spaceship, looking at Earth, would it not appear that Earth is moving at near light speed, with all the same effects? Relative to each other, both are moving through time slower than the other. How is this contradiction resolved? It's related to light speed (c) being constant regardless of the speed of the observer. Possibly I'm confusing something with the equivalence of acceleration and gravity (the story of the elevator car, in space but accelerating with a rate of g, is indistinguishable from an identical car standing on the surface of Earth). This has always bugged me. Any relatively (no pun intended) easy explanations?