irishmom91562

A close friend of mine who I have known for over thirty years is rapidly deteriorating before my eyes. She was raised by a very controlling mother who made her such an emotional cripple that she was unable to leave home. She still takes care of her widowed mother to this day, even sharing the same room with her.

Other than this, which I find to be unhealthy, behaviors exhibited for years now which are indicative of her condition include:

Going from fastidious and organized to beyond chaotic and disorganized. "Her room" is a fire trap as per the police and her car so cluttered that passengers are problematic.

She is ALWAYS late. She's had this destructive habit since high school and has lost jobs as a result and has been spoken to at every job she hasn't managed to lose. She knows she has a twenty minute drive to work in the best of traffic conditions, yet leaves her house seven minutes before her start time, not thirty minutes like she should be.

She avoids paperwork. As a result, she never signed up for direct deposit and still has paychecks in August dating back to March that she has yet to deposit in the bank. She's losing pay she's entitled to under FMLA, because she didn't do the paperwork. As a result, any missed work to care for her mother results in lost wages.

She is forever shopping then returning. This is a vicious cycle. I've never heard of anyone that has so many "returns." She's running back to stores every week returning.

There are more avoidance behaviors, but I've listed the most important ones. For the past six weeks now, she's been unable to work and unable to function. I believe she's had a nervous breakdown but her family is in denial. In just the past day or so she's tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist, but only because she needs to be written out of work longer. There is no way that she's anywhere close to being able to go back to work.

If these symptoms look familiar, I'd appreciate someone shedding light on what I fear may be a chronic anxiety or panic disorder that will remain with my friend for life. Thank you.

This could be many families....it could be YOURS. A family of all boys with the youngest, a girl. Very controlling mother who overburdened and over-dominated her daughter as a child. So much so that she was incapable of leaving home upon graduating high school. In her forties now, her best years are gone, spent caring for elderly parents, while the brothers made lives of their own. She's never been in a relationship, because she is incapable of forming a healthy relationship with a man. The few times one has tried to get close, she ran for the hills.

Maybe these brothers are too caught up with their own problems to see how deep their sister's are. Maybe they just want to believe that when their mother passes, Sis will just wake up one morning and move out on her own. The signs are there that this isn't going to happen, but they don't see it, and their wives don't either.

I am a lifelong friend, but there are certain things that need to come from family. Doesn't it concern YOU that your sister is always late? She's been fired from jobs for it, and can never be relied upon to be someplace on time..or even be there at all. Each year that goes by, she has less and less of a life outside of the home. She doesn't get

together with friends the way she used to, and her "room" has become so cluttered, she can no longer sleep in it. She shares a room with her mother, which is not very healthy, emotionally. She finally has a good job, but may lose it since she just can't seem to get there on time each day. Did you know she fell behind on her bills? Not because she didn't have the minimum monthly payment, but because she's pressured by "due dates" and her anxiety just causes her to let these days come and go without action.

Your sister is not prepared or capable to live independently. One of you will need to help her after your mother passes. She has no computer skills and a fear of the internet. I would like to see your mother sell that house and buy something smaller outright, so your sister won't have to worry about rent or a mortgage payment. The property taxes, maintenance and any other recurring obligation can be set up as an "auto pay" from her bank. All she will have to do is just show up to work on time and have direct deposit. A sister in law can help her with a budget and encourage her to stick to it.

Anything beyond this will be too much pressure, and she will have another breakdown. She should be in therapy and possibly on medication, since she could have an undiagnosed chemical imbalance or anxiety disorder. If a friend were to bring this up with her, she would get defensive, but will get no better as long as nothing is done. Too much damage has been done to her and her coping skills are shot.

Please, if you see YOUR sister in her, think about the best way to handle this. Maybe she keeps her room a mess because she's afraid of having to move out on her own if your mother sells the house. She needs to feel comforatable enough to admit this, or ask for the help she so desparately needs. If not, once your mother passes, she may end up in a psychiatric hospital.

A family intervention is needed here. I hope you see this and put your own "problems" aside for now.

Remember, even if every single part of this doesn't apply to YOUR sister, just the fact that one or two do, means she could need help.

It's bad enough being late in your 20's, but your 40's? If you know that being late day after day can cost you your job, why aren't you making sure you show up ten minutes early every day like clockwork?

Psychologists are welcome to weigh in here. I'm trying to understand why a lifelong friend just can't seem to kick the tardiness habit. She's already lost jobs due to this, and no kind of suggestion will do any good. Any insight anyone?