Michael Owen

How dare you report my question exposing you. Michael Owen is coming for you.

Patrica Evra recently called on us United legends to help out.

Imagine myself (Michael Owen), Giggsy, Scholesy, Parky, Ferders, Nevs, Vida, Browny and whoever else lend a hand.

Van Der Sar has been amazing with eye-axe so we should look to bring him in, as well as steal Wazza from Derby in a player coach role.

Carrick is of course at the club and Mike Feelin from the Fergie days too. The future is now. Ed Woodwork, hire us now.

But really I'd rather work for Liverpool and Klopp so if you're reading f*ck Manchester United.

Lukaku is on fire in Italy and just scored in his home ground in an away game against big rivals AC Milan. Man United are playing a fake striker Rashford who is now injured along with other fake striker Martial. Greenwood looks good but he needs time, unlike me when I was his age. Lukaku maybe he isnt one of the top strikers in the world like I suggested on BT Sports but right now Man United are lacking in proven scorers and Lukaku cant stop scoring in the weaker Serie A lets be honest. In my day we had myself, Rooney, Berba and Javi Hernandez, all good goalscorers in our own right. Who have United got now? Two fake strikers and a 17 year old kid. What was Ole thinking, what was Ole drinking!?

Yes Becks was not welcoming to me at Madrid. He snobbed me. We were mates for England. After this I didn't really like him. He wanted to be the only Englishman at Madrid. I think coming from Liverpool and him a Man United guy he probably thought it would look bad to associate with me. He is a weird weird guy. Posh has him wrapped around her finger too, he wears her clothes in the bedroom, I once heard him say that to Figo, as if Figo would be impressed.

Shearer, he wasn't world class by any means. A good goalscorer yes, but could he do it at a top top club? I don't think so. He is what Jamie Vardy is in the modern day. I'm surprised he hates me. We were mates. We would laugh every day. We could talk to each other about things outside football, our personal lives. I made it clear to my agent Shearer was no good in management, once he arrived I know we would go down, which hurt me as he was a good friend.

Marcus Rashford is not in love with goals like the great goalscorers. He reminds me more of a winger. That is where he liked to play. He isn't hungry enough for goals. I can't see him lasting long at United. Even in my spell at United I believe I have done more than Marcus will ever do. He will never get a top move, United will look to sell him on unless they let him play the way he wants, the way he loves. And that is not scoring goals.

And lastly, I do not understand the fuss around my move to Man United from Liverpool supporters but I understand the fuss.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_x6UM6I5jjA

Dear Mr Clopp,

I am writing to you because I wholeheartedly feel like your team needs a striker coach. I do not know the owner but I think he runs McDonald's but I have come to you instead to ask you directly. Raheem Sturridge has world class quality, not as good as me, but he has as he showed for thirty seconds on loan at West Ham as they were relegated to league one last season. Origami has potential at the young age of 19 to be a hit still. No doubt he is Belgium's most exciting attacking player. Ze Roberto Firmino, Sala and Man are all good, but they are not strikers. They score goals but they are not natural goalscorers.

If you do not accept me I might take up an offer from Manchester United, but for now I hate that filthy club.

Yours forever unless United come calling again,

England's greatest,

Michael Owen.

and can he play for England?

:(

Derby 0-0 Millwall after 64 minutes. Fascinating stuff here tonight Derby playing lie Rams going head first, dirty Millwall holding on for dear life like a virgin to his willer.

COME ON LIVERPOOL

Dear Roman Avram Grant,

I know you Italians are very passionate people about the game. By the game I mean organised crime. Moving onward, I am writing to you through my Yahoo! Mail! Account! for the oppurtunity to work as striker coach at Chelsea F.C. I have much experience playing as a striker for Liverpool, Real Madrid and Manchester United, playing alongside Champions League winners, although I have not won one myself I would bring that Champions League winning experience to your team. I do not know why people keep saying the Chelsea manager is sarry I am not sure what he is sarry for, I hope you can forgive him for whatever he has done, maybe because he sent Diego Costa away on loan? Thank you for taking the time to read my application email, I look forward to working for you in the future if you give me the job. If not, you are a giant bellend.

P.S. I will not watch any films of the past games.

Yours whateverly,

England's greatest footballer,

Michael Owen.

In the sex, not the football.