LizzWeasley

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He starts to take off his pants and throws them at her. He says: "Put those on" The bride replies "I can't wear your pants" He says "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family" The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him and says "Try those on" The groom replies "I can't get into your panties" She then says "And you never will if you don't change that attitude!"

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Little Johny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johny, if there were five birds on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?" "None" replied Johny "Because the rest would fly away" "Well, the answer is four" said the teacher "But I like the way you're thinking" Little Johny said "i have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one is licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well" said the teacher nervously "I guess the one sucking her cone" "No" said little Johny "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking"

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A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick! My husband is home!" He husband wakes up and jumps out the window"

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Fact of life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says "W T F"

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A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce: A man went to Hawaii and sent his wife a message: "Having the most amazing time here... wish you were her"

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How do you know when you've had too much to drink? When you're driving and you swerve to miss a tree and you realize it's your air freshener.

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I just realized that the word bed actually looks like a bed

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One day a soldier received a letter from his girlfriend saying she was breaking up with him after two years of her cheating on him. At first he was hurt but soon he thought of a plot. He collected all that he could of his fellow comrades' pictures of wives, girlfriends and ex's and a picture of his ex who just broke up with him. He sent 57 pictures of women back to his ex girlfriend with a letter saying "I'm so sorry, but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture out of the pile and send the rest back to me"

Ever wonder:

Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't see the headline: "Psychic wins lotto"?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

Why is the person that invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Only here!:

*Can a pizza arrive to you faster than an ambulance does

*Do banks open both of their doors and chain their pens to the table

*Do people leave their nice cars in the driveway and put junk cars inside the garage

*People order large fries and a big mac with a diet coke

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A very attractive blonde woman arrives at a casino table and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm nude. She strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells "Yes, yes, yes, I won!" She jumps up and down, hugs and kisses both of the dealers, takes her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other and one of them asks "What did she roll?" The other one says "I thought you were watching"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb

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A condom tells a tampon "You always take my job for a week!" Tampon says "Yeah, but when you mess up, I loose my job for nine months!"

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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop up appeared that said "You've got Male!"

What are some of the side effects that you've had while on the pill, if any? How long did these side effects last? Also, how effective has the pill been if you take it on time everytime?

I've been taking Yaz birth control pill. I've been spotting the whole month. I finished all the active pills on Sunday and Monday started the sugar pills. Monday afternoon when I wiped, there was a bit of blood, red. I put on a pad and later that night all there was was just brown spotting again. Same thing happened on Tuesday although that was a bit more red blood and today Wednesday is more like a light period I suppose. I'm confused. When did my period start? Monday or today Wednesday? Or is this all just more spotting? I've been getting cramps since last week, and all the regular signs of a period too.

Also, this is the first month of taking Yaz. I'm 19, will be 20 in Sept.

I'm 19, almost 20. I've started taking Yaz on May 1st which was my last period. I finished the active pills on Sunday and Monday was the first sugar pill. I've had spotting all this month, brown spotting. Yesderday was a bit red when I wiped and just now again. My question is: is this my period or just more spotting?

I'm bored and I love to read. I like romance and a little bit of fiction. What would be some good books to read this summer?

I just started taking Yaz and was wondering what are some of the side effects you've personally experienced, if any and how well it works for you, or not?

I've read a lot about it already, before I started taking it but I just want to know your personal experience with it. Thank you!

I have university final exams next week and I'm getting very stressed put not only about the finals but just about everything else from what classes I need to take for the fall semester to even about work. Is there anything in particular you do that will help you relax and can last for more than a couple of hours? I need help please!

Hi. I'm really bored right now. If you got any funny jokes, please write them down. The one that makes me laugh the most will get a best answer. Thank you in advance.

If so, why? What has made you believe that?

Just curious.

Ponder these:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Maria era una devota católica que tuvo 15 hijos con tres diferentes maridos. (Se caso tres veces porque su primer, segundo y tercer marido habían fallecido.) Durante el parto de su hijo numero 15, Maria murió. El padre que vino a hacer los últimos ritos rezaba fervientemente por el alma de Maria y un amigo de Maria lo oyó decir: "Gracias a Dios que por fin se juntaron." El amigo le pregunta al padre, se junto con quien? con su primer marido? segundo? o tercero? El padre contesta, no, por fin se juntaron sus piernas!

Una mujer de 60 años llegó a su casa y escuchó ruidos extraños en su cuarto.Abrió la puerta y descubrió a su hija de 40 años usando un vibrador."¿Qué estas haciendo?" preguntó la madre."Mamá, tengo 40 años y mírame, soy fea. Nunca me casare, así que esto es más o menos mi esposo". La madre salió de la habitación, moviendo su cabeza. Al otro día, el padre entró a su casa y escuchó ruidos en el cuarto e inmediatamente entró, encontrando a su hija usando el vibrador."¿Qué diablos estas haciendo?"preguntó.Su hija replicó "Ya le dije a mama.Tengo 40 años y soy fea.Nunca me casare y esto es tan cercano como si alguna vez hubiese tenido esposo".El padre salió de la habitación moviendo su cabeza. Al otro día la madre llegó a casa y encontró a su esposo con una cerveza en una mano y el vibrador en la otra, viendo el fútbol en la TV."Que c*ño estas haciendo?"grito ella.El esposo replicó,"Que parece que estoy haciendo?Estoy aquí sentado, tomando una cerveza y viendo el partido con mi yerno"

A Math professors sends a fax to his wife saying: "Honey, you're 52 years old and I have needs that you cannot satisfy. So, when you get this fax, I'll be with one of my hot 25 year old student at the Plaza. I'll be home by midnight." The wife gets the message and here is her reply: "You're are also 52 years old, and I also have needs that you cannot satisfy. And so, when you get this fax, I'll be at the Pierre with my hot 25 years old tennis instructor. As you are a Math professor, you will understand that 25 goes into 52 more than 52 into 25, so, don't wait up"

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A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"

The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

There is a married couple in the kitchen. The man goes and grabs his wife's butt and says: "If you had it more firm, you wouldn't need to use panties". The wife get a bit mad, but take a deep breath and forgets about it. Some days later, the couple were just in the living room and the husband looks at his wife and grabs her boobs and says: "If you had them more firm, you wouldn't need to wear bras". At this point, the wife is really mad, so she looks at her husband, grabs his package and says: "If you had it more firm, I wouldn't need the milkman, the mailman, and you brother"

I think the sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. But what do you think?

Oh, and I'm not sure if this is the right category.

What do you like to listen to, say when you are studying? Driving? Cooking? What helps you relax?

Here is the thing: My mom and dad separated back when I was 5. I'm 17 now. Anyway, my mom is now married to my stepdad who is a pretty good guy. But my dad is married to this woman, and I can't stand her. I know for a fact that she has cheated on him and I think he has cheated on her too. They have a 5 year old daughter together, my sister. I think my stepmom is a b***h, but apparently my dad is in love with her or something. I know no one in my dad's family can stand her. I try my best to be nice to her. But the thing is that we never clicked. What is wrong with my dad? What does he see in this woman anyway? He's not bad looking. He could go out with other women. But now that they have my sister, do you think that's what keeping him at her side? Like maybe he always wants to be near my sister like he wasn't for me? Any thoughts on the matter?

What is it in guys that attract you more? What do you see in them that makes you say you like them? What do you like the most in guys? What do you absolutely dislike about guys? And why? Just curious to know what you all think.