josh

So im finally gonna get help for self harming last night i got the cops called on me by a concerned freind that saw the cuts ive n to be honest it was really frightening im goin to the hospital today to get checked out and even though ikn it has to be done this time if i ever wanna get my life back together im nervous and scared bc ive never been to the hospital for selfharm before and im not sure what all is gonna happen.

Im curious bc ive been isolating myself from everyone lately cause im tired of life and am depressed to where i dont care if i get hit n killed by a car crossing the road.

Ive been really sick the past few days n have been getting overheated easily and tonight im really warm n wanna put on shorts but the problem with that is i kinda fell back to my old ways bc of depression n started to drink i got drunk a few nights ago and was really down thinking of cutting i ended up doing it n got threatend to be hospitalized by my freinds and ended up with 7 cuts on my right leg n 4 on the other and ive been having anxiety attacks thinking about em now cause im scared that ppl will see them.

I was woken up about n half a hour ago by a really painfull ear ache n a severe tooth ache so i took 5 asprin and waited for a cpl n couldnt take it so i took 2 more n its still bothering me im thinking about takin more but dont wanna push my luck to much.

I ask that bc ive not hardly ate anything in the past two days and i am not hungry at all i dont get it

I feel guilty about it for the simple fact that its a good posibility of it happening and at the same time i also think of the repercussion that it would have if i did but im exauhsted physically and mentally im tired of being stuck in the same sh** hole of a life that ikn ill never get any where in bc im worthless im tired of bein told im screwed in the head an that im a drunk and what really puts the final nail in the coffin is ive been struggling with social anxiety and depression for so long that its already done major damage to mental health ive to drink just to keep myself from having a mental break down

Im mentally screwed up and wanna die ive social anxiety to the point where i cant even go anywhere with out constantly staring at my phone screen trying to avoid eye contact with anyone or having racing thoughts thinking people r judging im also very depressed i think about suicide everyday and the only way i can cope with it is by drinking i drink about twelve beers a night just to be able to sleep.

Im beyond depressed and tired of dealing with anxiety and everything ive a gun in front of me ready to shoot all ive to do is take it of saftey and pull the trigger it would end my suffering and i feel like i could kill myself with no regrets.

I've been severly depressed and dealing with bad anxiety for a few days and I feel like I'm loosing my mind I keep hearing what sounds like to people talking when there's been no one around it's been goin on for three days now it'll just randomly happen like a light switch being fliped on and off

I used to self harm due to depression and anxiety but haven't in six months I've been having urges that started two days ago randomly and they are really bad tonight i don't get it bc lately ive not been depressed or anything.

I get an upset stomache easily almost no matter what I eat bc i almost died twice by acute alcohol poisioning and I drank like that bc i was and still am depressed just not as bad now.

I ask bc im tired of life and everything I'm constantly drained mentally and physically I'm really depressed and easily get pissed off i keep having negative and dark thoughts about shooting myself hanging myself I get anxiety to the point were I think I'm gonna die bc my heart feels like its beating a 100 mph and at the moment I dont think life is.

I'm having an anxiety attack and I can hardly breath.

Life and death is such a delicate balance it's smaller than a razors edge the reason I'm asking is bc I've had alot of disturbing images in my head and started thinking about death about how the fact is there r a thousand ways to die every single day the soure of my thinkng comes from being afraid to the point of literally gaging every five seconds bc I hurt myself with a razor the cut was gaping and all I could see was white it got pretty red and nasty looking so I started thinking it's infected I've been thinking about death a lot ever day bc of the cut two days ago.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7s9RYLabxCg

So I've recently started self harming bc of some problems I've been having and for the past week my family has been drilling me with 100s of questions like r u ok and telling me i seem on edge and just wont stop I get that they care but I feel like I need to handle these problems on my own the way I see it when a person makes their bed they've just got to lay in it if I know what I mean and here the catch 22 im in I've been using disposable razors to selfharm and they're a pain to remove from the plastic casing so I took a pair of scissors and used the handles like a hammer to break the plastic well last night it woke up my family so I tried putting a towel down tonight before i did it and it still woke em up and now I'm getting drilled even more with the same questions and im worried they're gonna find out that I cut bc for one they're some of the reasons why I do and for two I don't want them to flip out.

So today I was talking with one of my family members and I forgot what brought up the conversation but she said that she thinks that I'm gonna die alone which I've always struggled with that thought for a long time now it's all I can think about I cant help but think that she's right which has made me really depressed on top of that I'm really stressed out bc of the bs drama I had to deal with today I want to end my life I feel like I could do it with out hesitation and not be sad or regret anything.

I wanna start off by saying this is really gonna sound screwed up and I'm not looking for sympathy or any thing I just have a some things on my mind that I can't make sense of I've been thinking about suicide lately and in the past I've been depressed for a long time but what's nagging at me is right now I'm not and haven't been for a week and I still think about commiting suicide bc I think I'm to stupid to make it in life and I picture myself being stuck in this crappy town I live in forever and never making freinds or settling down with anyone plus i feel like i dont belong in this world bc of some major issues I've I also have been planning some on how when and were I would commit suicide.

Today I hung out with a friend who didn't have the gas to take me back to my place so I walked back it was about an 8 mile walk on my way back every time I passed someone I would get really bad social anxiety attacks which turned into a panic attack the more people I passed there for a few I could barely get even half a breath and I started gagging and my hands started to sweat I felt like I was going to collapse.

A few hours ago I was hanging out with a freind and he lives in a rough neighborhood he had to run to the store and pick up a few things so I waited back at the his place and I kept hearing sounds like the door knob rattling and I already was having anxiety bc I don't feel safe there but also at the same time I kept thinking the worst like some one kicking the door in and ect my heart started to beat unbleavably fast and I started shaking sweating and my chest started to feel like it was burning and I felt like I was dying it literally left me curled up on the floor bc I felt so horrible.