H bomb

A few weeks ago I adopted a betta fish in urgent need of care and that, apparently, turned me into a fish rescuer. A series of unfortunate events left two koi homeless and I will keep them in my house until I can find them a new owner(s).

I will have to borrow money from my step-father to buy them a new tank and the stuff they need to stay alive. Since I am humiliating myself infront of him, I might as well do it the right way and know exactly what they need.

Anything from water temperature, diet, light, filters, tank size will be helpful.

Also, can I rehouse them separately? Can koi live alone or do they need a friend?

I like to give something special to my pets every once in a while, usually on the weekend. The cats and the dogs have special treats, so does the hamster. Is there anything specially designed for bettas that will make him feel the weekend love?

The family cats were very quick to notice the fish swimming in the tank that we installed for our new friend. The acquarium is secured and closed, so the cats can't actually drink its water or...try to eat the fish, which I guess they know because all the really do is look at the betta swimming back and forth. The betta must know that he is being stared at by predators because he flares at the cats now and then.

Is that a source of stress for the fish? I mean, the damn cats rule the house so I don't think I can find a spot that is comfortable for the fish and also out of reach for the cats. I am also pretty sure that they won't do anything terrible to the betta or its acquarium. We had a hamster that fascinated them but they never tried to disturb his cage or actively harass it...they just looked at it.

Last week I may or may not have stolen a betta fish from a wedding center piece before it was thrown away like its brothers and sisters. His upper fin is a bit droopy and he has ammonia burns around his gills and part of its face.

I know next to nothing about caring for fish. I took this one on the spur of the moment to see if I could help it. At the moment I don't have a water filter for the acquarium but I've been changing a small cup of his water for fresh one once a day (at the internet's suggestion). He eats and looks more active than during his first days out of the centiler piece, but the black marks around his gills are still there. I think they are less dark than originally but it may be only me.

I haven't done a complete water change yet, as I read it is not a good idea. His acquarium looks pretty clean. I also have a lamp that doesn't shine directly on his tank but illuminates the general area, and check his water temperature once a day to see it is staying roughly around 75 and 77 degrees, as the internet suggested. I feed him once a day, two of the little betta pellets I found at the petstore. The petstore woman gave me two liquid things to combat the heavy metals on its water. I've only used them once last week when I filled his acquarium for the first time. When do I use them again?

As soon as I am able to I will get it a filter and a bigger tank, which should be around next month. What else can I do in the meantime to keep him alive and happy?

Before anything else is said, I am 14. I would not take this question seriously if I knew another 14 year old asked this, so it is fair if you don't.

I would normally ask these things to my older siblings, but today I don't feel like sounding like their little brother with puppy love. Strangers are more convinient.

I've been seeing a girl I have known for a while but was never close to, since January. I like her, she's witty and honest.

A thing I like about her is that she is not a deluded princess person who thinks high school is oh so important. I am not the love of her life, she has plans and ideas that do not include me and it is clear that she only passing time because so far its fun and easy. I respect her trust and want her to gave a good time, as much as I want it for myself, but that is pretty much it.

Now she wants me to meet her parents and her friends. Which is something I am open to, because, what is there to lose? I like parents, I like friends. I also like food so dinner with her parents is just a good occassion to eat. But then my sister started asking questions and telling me that this might mean she wants me to be her boyfriend, not just her friend to fool around with. I told her "no, she would tell me if that was happening". Then she told me that it may not be the case. I don't know if I have to just tell her "I'll meet your friends and your parents, but I am not your boyfriend" just so everyone is clear about it, or would it be stupid?

My older brother died on the last days of December 2013. The first few days, with all the furnerary rituals and the shock I felt like I was taking a walk on hell but after those initial moments I guess I thought I was going through normal periods of being angry, feeling guilty, crying uncontrollably, and then just being "fine". I kept going to school, did my usual things, with an extra twist of misery and sorrow, but ultimately trying to find normalcy. I even had a vacation with my uncle and surviving siblings, and I felt truly happy.

Then these couple of weeks for no obvious reason everything on earth seems to remind me of my brother, of the life we are not going to share, of the things he is never going to do, the things I am going to do without him and how horrible and empty I feel without him. And I am not empty, not really, I know something is there I just can't find it.

I want to be better. Not ok, just... better, but it feels like his death is eating me from the inside. I bite my lips so hard I bleed just to mitigate the pain.

Is this drama going to take me somewhere eventually, hopefully somewhere descent, or am I just devolving and losing it?

My older brother died on December after a lifetime of fighting with chronic diseases. He was 17.

He was a dedicated geek. We had that in common.

He and his close friends had a Dungeons and Dragons quest that he did not finish. These guys invited me, and our other brother, to play his character. They told us that we could either give the character a noble ending or just join them and keep playing with them.

I've been hanging out with them for the last two weeks. Being there makes me feel connected to my brother and I like his friends. So, while I am there, it's great.

When I get home, it's not so great. I start to feel bad for taking over something that used to be his -his friends, his hobby, his weekly "thing"-. Our middle brother stopped going for this reason. He says its not ok for us to appropriate his life.

I feel so conflicted. I go back and forth between feeling ashamed for doing his "thing", as a bad replacement for the great guy he was, and feeling glad for hanging out with people out of my house, not feeling sad or angry.

I am not a petty guy, or at least I try not to be. Nothing is personal with me, unless I let it be.

Against my best effort, it does bother me that, according to my brother, our step-father is participating in a forum called "I hate my stepson". He told me this morning and we laughed.

But, as the day has gone by, I am actually beginning to be bothered by it. I want to turn it off but it comes back and I think about it when I really shouldn't.

My family has been going from one crisis to another since the end of last summer. And in all honesty, I've tried to keep a respectful, non-threatening distance between the step and I. Last thing I want is to fight and argue on top of everything that has happened. I keep my thoughts to myself, just listen to him and let things slide even if my first impulse is to tell him to go **** himself.

I don't know what else I need to do for the guy. I have told him many times that I appreciate his dedication to my mom now that she's sick and that I think he's being brave. I let him have his way around the house, which once upon a time was my house too but whatever, he gets his panties in a wad every time he wants to change something and we try to argue. I suck it up for my mom.

I mean sure, I do not like the man. He knew that the whole time. I told him quite honestly, when he married my mother, that I would respect him and learn to live with him, but made no further promises and so far, I kept up with my side of the bargain.

It does bother me that he is probably sharing personal family stuff on-line with other resentful, frustrated step-fathers. I do not think he should love him. I don't love him. I also don't think he should hate me. I don't hate him. What gives? Would you ask him about it? If this was your situation.

I've read a few FAQ sections on cancer websites -not medical articles- about dying "of a broken heart" and people who have cancer, who suddenly lose a child or a spouse and how grief alters their chances of going into remission, cancer returning etc.

I didn't find a lot of information on this, strangely. But what I did manage to find says that studies in Israel, Denmark and the US show that depression and grief do not reduce the chances of remission for cancer patients, compared to those cancer patients who are not mourning.

I do not like those arm chair tales about attitude and support being the key to everything, but obviously, your mental state is important and nothing will mess up your mind as much as losing a family member will, while you are getting chemo and radiation. I don't know what to think.

What do you think? I know that patients and relatives get a different perspective than what statistics and studies with controled groups can teach us.

I often come across questions in this section that ask for opinions and invite others to share their own experiences as answers. Example "What was the best part of your day?" or "when was the last time you felt truly loved?"

However, the details of the question are nothing but a detailed list of the asker's day, how miserable and happy they were through it etc or how unloved and heartbreaking his or her life is.

Sometimes, they end up asking a totally different question in the details, after sharing their complex story, like "do you think I should date her?" or "am I wrong for feeling this way?" that truly have nothing to do with the original question but only with their personal tale.

I often wonder if these people are using the question as a mere excuse to share their lives online, if they pick best answers based on the attention they get with their story, or if they bother to read what others have to share, even if it contributes nothing to their own rants.

I am not complaining, just honestly curious about the intention of the questions.

I am not talking about the sort of story where the protagonist is a criminal or a shady character, and we are encouraged to root for them. I am talking about movies where the really bad guy wins.

If you do, which are your favorite titles?

Which stories in film or literature have the best (should I say worst?) bad guys in your opinion?

I am 13 years old. My relationship with my genetic mother has been unstable and kind of complex since we reunited when I was 11. Around the time we met she was actually relapsing after a couple of years of semi-sobriety, and as far as I know, she is presently using.

We exchange emails and phone calls now and then. My older brother talks to her more often than I do. I go back and forth between wanting to relate to her and know her better, and getting endlessly frustrated because whoever she is deep inside is hidden under a ton of meth.

Over the years I have come to accept that beyond my mother's current state, I am still balancing primal wounds or whatever. Abandonment hurts and I feel distant, almost detached from my genetic mom. A part of me wants that to end, but I also feel safer and better keeping her at arms' length. I am going to guess that this is going to be a lifelong issue.

My mother (my adoptive mother) monitors our contact with her, precisely because of her substance dependency. Other than that, my mom is very natural and accommodating, and almost kind of wishes we could have a better rapport with our other mom, for our sake.

So that is roughly our family situation regarding my adoption.

Now my adoptive mother is battling cancer. She was diagnosed last weekend. It has been a week long reality and my brothers already told our other mom. She has been trying to reach me since finding out, but instead of appreciating her concern I feel a bit invaded and do not want to talk to her.

I feel that right now I cannot deal with her on top of my adoptive mom's health and other cancer related mayhem. I feel very vulnerable and scared, and I do not want to say something to my genetic mom that I might regret later. I am impatient, very, very sad and angry.

Would it be crazy if I tried to say that to her? To ask her to give me some space and not contact me for a while? I do not need to cope with her drugs and her mental issues right now. Obviously, I wouldn't say it like that.

I am getting ready to prepare and serve a five course meal for the first time in my life. To say that I am excited and nervous would be an understatement. My family takes food seriously and that they chose me to make this dinner means a lot. Also, I am 13 years old.

One side-dish recipe I am contemplating contains red wine.

I have made this dish before and obviously, I have tried it, but only with my family whose views on alcohol I know and understand.

My mother and brother are helping me choose the wines and the beer we'll offer. So its not as if I am going to get super drunk while preparing this.

Do you think guests would find off-putting or questionable if I make something with wine on it? Some people coming are new to us. Future in-laws I suppose. Would you even notice it?

I am trying my best to incorporate my step-father to be on a speech I will give to my mother on her wedding day.

It is not a love letter. If it were, he would know it is insincere and trite. However, I am truly trying to say something good and welcoming to him.

Note that I am asking for critique. If the speech is not to your liking do not assume that I am being hateful and immature. I am simply inexperienced, but my intention is not to be insulting or mean. I do reserve the right to take your advice or not.

This is what I wrote (work in progress):

Five years ago Drew and I started off with the wrong foot. On the day we met he confused the Lord of the Rings with the Chronicles of Narnia, he called me little guy, and he touched my father's guitar. Those are crimes an eight year old cannot forgive.

I didn't want to know him or hear his name. I fought him, I made faces at him, I defied him on every possible opportunity, even in those situations when I actually agreed with him. I also broke his stuff.

My mother told him that I was just a kid and I didn't know better. But Drew looked at me very quietly every time I tested him, and I looked back at him and we knew. We knew my mother had educated me too well in order for me not to know better. He seemed to be saying "you little child of the corn, don't think I don't know what you're doing". And then one night I just said it. "Drew, I want you to leave". And he said "I know you do. Sorry, but I won't".

That is the war I waged on Drew for a long, long time. Today I want to say that it is truly amazing, and a testament to his character that he stuck around despite my best efforts. A lesser man would have left without so much as a good bye. I have to say now - Drew, you love my mother more than you hate a bratty kid, or a constant thorn on your side. You have strived to make her happy, and continued to love her. Never once did you held me against her.

You were always sweet to her and you made her laugh. I should have thanked you for that but, as my brothers have said, we missed the person who used to do that too much to acknowledge your efforts. I wasn't ready to accept that hating you would not bring him back, and that driving you away would only leave our mother doubly alone, without my father and without you. But now I accept it and acknowledge it.

The brat has changed the boxing gloves for a white flag. I surrender. You win my mother's heart. Continue to be careful with it and bring joy into her life. You are the better man for sticking around where many others would have failed. And you are a lucky man. Tonight I am glad that you did not left when I asked you to.

The end.

Your thoughts?

My siblings want us to offer a toast to our mother on her wedding day.

It's going to be a simple dinner after a civil ceremony. They are inviting 25 guests to a restaurant they like, dance a little bit and then go on a five day vacation the morning after.

There will be nothing elaborate or dramatic about the event, and my siblings and I want to keep our toast short, informal and sincere.

We've gone through our paragraphs to see how they sound and to decide who is speaking first and who is closing, and we noticed that none of us mention a single thing about our step-father to be. It is all about our mother, what we feel for her, what we wish for her and how she has raised us. My sister even mentions our deceased father very briefly but only in the context of how difficult it has been for our mom and how she's glad she has closed that chapter of grief and loneliness.

Some of my siblings think that we should add something here and there about the groom to be polite. The truth is none of us feels like we have a lot to say to him other than "you better make her happy or we'll kick your ****", which is obviously not appropriate. The only thing that I could come up was "he has great hair".

We're sure the groom's friends and relatives, who will be present at the dinner party, have something planned to wish him luck and happiness. His children will be there, they are around our ages, so they might also want to say something to their dad. If they do, I do not expect them to say something about our mom.

Question is, is it a complete etiquette failure not to mention the groom? What is the normal thing to do and say when toasting the bride? Is it wrong that we make the speech about our mother and no one else?

I am very new at being a step-brother. His father and my mother have been dating for five years, but we only met a month ago, when they decided to get married and took steps to bring us together. His children live with their mother in another state, but they are staying at their dad's this summer and we are seeing more and more of them.

The youngest boy is 10 years old and is very enthusiastic about his father's marriage to my mother, and immediately opened up to my mother, and the rest of us. He is a cute kid, polite and chatty. I like him well enough, though I wonder if his honey-moon period will be over and we'll see a different side of him as time goes by. For now, he's nice and friendly, so we're ok.

However, he is very eager to spend time following us and asking for a lot of attention. This is the first 10 year old I meet who is as open and bubbly as a kindergartner. The thing is that I am not precisely dying to spend time with him and play with him all the time.

This summer break is the last few weeks I have to enjoy my family just the way it is. My mother, my brothers, my sister and I. No step-father, no step-siblings, just us. I really want to use this time to take everything in and relish our reality before we move onto something new and new people come along.

Yet, the 10 year old keeps calling to ask if he can come over to play and because I am the one who is closer in age, I get to deal with him more than anyone else. I want to be with my own siblings and without him. We have the rest of our lives to be around each other, and very little time left of my family as I know it.

What can I do, if at all? I really don't want to be rude to him or punish him for being so damn bubbly, but I can see my patience wearing thin if things keep going like this. Normally I have a plan or at least an idea of how to act, but I am pretty lost.

I got a card for my mother's boyfriend this year. After five years of knowing him, I've decided to desist on my efforts to push him away with attitude and negativity, and just accept that he exists near me and in some way, a member of my family. Particularly because my mother is marrying him this fall.

I feel pretty good about this new commitment to accept him, but I do not love him or have anything profound to say to him. I would feel bad writing a bunch of crony lies, that he would know are lies. I've been working on my message to him and trying to be genuine without being cold or appearing to be passive-aggressive.

I wrote a card for him that reads as follows:

Dear Drew:

Happy father's day.

My gift to you is not to fight you or mutter under my breath today, and hopefully for the years to come.

You have been very tolerant with me since the day we met and I gave you no reason to be. I do not defend the way I have acted up until this point and I hope you give an opportunity to show you that I want to live in good terms with you and your children.

For what its worth, I have always known that you are a gentleman with my mother and you make her happy. If you continue to make her happy I will make a bigger effort to get along with you and keep my temper in check.

We didn't choose each other but here's a token of my wish for a peaceful co-existence.

Sincerely,

Henry.

What do you think?

I got a card for my mother's boyfriend this year. After five years of knowing him, I've decided to desist on my efforts to push him away with attitude and negativity, and just accept that he exists near me and in some way, a member of my family. Particularly because my mother is marrying him this fall.

I feel pretty good about this new commitment to accept him, but I do not love him or have anything profound to say to him. I would feel bad writing a bunch of crony lies, that he would know are lies. But I keep reading my card and it sounds pretty cold and kind of mean.

I wrote a card for him that reads as follows:

Dear Drew:

Happy father's day.

My gift to you is not to fight or make faces at you today, and hopefully for the years to come. We didn't choose each other but here's a token of my wish for a peaceful co-existence.

Sincerely,

Henry.

What do you think?

My mother has been dating a man for five years. When I met him I was a little kid and also an asshole. So, I was a little asshole to him for a while. I decided very quickly that I did not want any man hovering around my mother, half occupying the spot in her life that once was my father's and that he was irritating, lame and kind of a loser.

Over the years, I have come to understand that I do not own my mother's life/heart and that her romances are not about me. I also admit that he is not a loser but a rather successful person. Still think he is irritating and would prefer if he wasn't around.

I've decided that I need to give him a chance for when he officially moves in and perhaps marries my mother. I am not entirely in favor of that but I know it will come in time. I better improve my attitude now rather than later.

I find it very hard to talk to him, and when I do talk to him I usually throw in passive-aggressive remarks because...yeah, I know its wrong.

Apart from stopping with the snide comments and making a bigger effort, what should I do steer things on the right direction? I am not very good at swallowing my pride and admitting I've been wrong for five long years.

Do I have to talk to him and state that I want things to get better between us?

Do I just let things move casually and without much clarification?

Do I have to give him a peace offering of sorts? Like chocolate or something symbolic.

I don't know. Change is kind of difficult.

My mother has been dating a man for five years. When I met him I was a little kid and also an asshole. So, I was a little asshole to him for a while. I decided very quickly that I did not want any man hovering around my mother, half occupying the spot in her life that once was my father's and that he was irritating, lame and kind of a loser.

Over the years, I have come to understand that I do not own my mother's life/heart and that her romances are not about me. I also admit that he is not a loser but a rather succesful person. Still think he is irritating and would prefer if he wasn't around.

I've decided that I need to give him a chance for when he officially moves in and perhaps marries my mother. I am not entirely in favor of that but I know it will come in time. I better improve my attitude now rather than later.

I find it very hard to talk to him, and when I do talk to him I usually throw in passive-aggressive remarks because...yeah, I know its wrong.

Appart from stoping with the snide comments and making a bigger effort, what should I do steer things on the right direction? I am not very good at swallowing my pride and admitting I've been wrong for five long years.

Do I have to talk to him and state that I want things to get better between us?

Do I just let things move casually and without much clarification?

Do I have to give him a peace offering of sorts? Like chocolate or something symbolic.

I don't know. Change is kind of difficult.