slight_hickup

First of all, what is it to be alive? In my opinion, it is to be self aware and aware of your surroundings (This is referring to human life mind you). So assuming this to be the basis of being alive, where does it go from there? Self awareness equals loneliness in my opinion. You can seek out friendship, relationships etc. but this is a vain attempt at covering up this loneliness. For if you look at it rationally, why do we keep friends or partners? I don’t think it’s any more than a base evolutionary instinct to keep sane really. But friendships are a sort of symbiotic exchange of company at best, in its root a very selfish act on both parties’ sides. I mean, you keep these friends in order to not feel lonely but it really isn’t worth more than that.

We are all alone at the end of the day. Life is a tunnel we all travel through, and whilst we may try to tell ourselves that just because we spend some time next to another person’s private tunnel, we are no longer alone for that time. But it is not so. No matter how you try and twist it and turn it upside down or inside out, this tunnel of yours that you are travelling down to with an end destination of death, you are alone in these travels.

And so I cannot help but ask the question of why even spending this time travelling through this tunnel? It only goes in one direction, and we’re all going towards the same destination and we cannot change it no matter how hard we try to press down on the break paddle. With time as the fuel of our vehicle and the break pad broken, we cannot stop, not even slow down. So why bother? Why not just take a shortcut and reach the end of this pointless journey by deciding for ourselves when this outdrawn affair we call life is to be over?

What do we do? We work, we pay the bills, we find some temporary happiness in whatever, and we lose interest in said happiness. Sorrow usually follows in one way or another. And so this repeats itself over and over and over as we try to not think about what lay ahead. Something most people for some reason seem to dread. They cling on to life as if it was important. Life is not important. When you reach the end, you will perish whether you like it or not, some people will shed a few tears and then, after a brief period, they will go on with their lives and soon you will be but a distant memory. The world will not have stopped spinning because you reached the end of your tunnel. All your accomplishments and all that you worked so hard for will be of naught value to you now. Even the satisfaction of having changed other people’s lives will mean nothing, for you are now without conscience. There is just everlasting darkness which you will not even be aware of.

When considering this, can you really blame me for wondering why I should bother to put up with the “trials of life” that are meant to make us better people? Better for what? To what purpose should I better myself? At the end of the day, that very last day, it does not matter how good of a person I am. It will all be in vain anyway. It just really does not matter. I cannot put it simpler than that.

We are meant to go on and on and on, suffering setback after setback and heartache after heartache just because “that’s life” as they say? Well, pardon my French but **** that! Why exist in pointless misery with a few joyous moments just because that is what life is? What good is life if that is all there is to it? You can keep life, I’m returning mine.

Anyone got any good suggestions on how to make my suicide look like an accident?