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Patrick R
Could you please critique, critique, critique "All Strapped In"?
(Please ignore the periods at the beginning of L13. I had to use them to preserve spacing.)
ALL STRAPPED IN
(for J. A.)
turtle wax turtle wax and wane
don't make me wear a shell for the dress code
though I might take my cymbals to the party
where we'll crash and bang to build
housing for our depression codes
who has a guitar to wield?
spike the volume to add a dimension
to that area code where you yourself will wire
all this noise is grooving me a headache
I’m still scraped by all the padlocks that need
needle-sharp keys to get me
out of solitary.
......................... Prescription: Codeine
touts the sheet music lining the bird
cages and yes their wings are clipped
Bloomin' Mistin' Molly and Bleedin' Foggin' Sam
still sing C chanties and D minor miracles
and stationed screeches on freeways potholed
and titanic crackles and blowings-out over relays
we cannot let them have the last word
did anyone say they had words
why does a chromosome resemble the epiglottis,
why leave my pipe open when I don't want it
swept out, chimney swept out, smoked
out, smoke
the signal of doubt
strike the handle that feeds you and let yourself out
© 2008 by Patrick B. Robbins
3 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoCould you please critique [& I mean CRITIQUE yes, yes!] "Awake" and the other poems I've posted here today?
AWAKE
you touch the warmdark
grain of your doors
you think they will yield
warmth
they are cool to the touch
the feeling is the yield of good
cutting and finishing
in the open
casket the dead body will
look warm
if the artisan yields
to teachings of craft
caskets no more
reveal their grain
why
shouldn't the cold body look cold
(c) 2007 by Patrick B. Robbins
2 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoCould you please critique, critique, critique "Careers"?
CAREERS
To usher in a fresher act.
To mold disparate artifacts
from shapeless days. To leave intact
the severest flaw of the heroic.
To live in every age of the Cenozoic.
To make fact emotive and emotion stoic.
To show that grief
is only overblown belief
in someone else. To sleeve
the record of our mourning.
To play it later as a warning
or a tract permitting yearning
for what's found and lost with the coming of the new.
To remember never to eschew
anything just because it's been eschewed already. You.
To live above the whirlpool of a toilet,
depositing a riddle or regret
in every eddy. To find love's wallet
and return it. To pickle tension
in a clear, unbloodied potion.
To inject commotion
where ease has stunted growth. To prove
we cannot love
ourselves without our selves.
To learn no answers from the stars.
(c) 2007 by Patrick B. Robbins
3 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoCould you please critique, critique, critique "Upwind Sunnyside Downs"?
(Please ignore the periods at the start of some of the lines. I had to include them to preserve the spacing.)
UPWIND SUNNYSIDE DOWNS
At the end of the shagged hall wood doors. At one
your bare wrist moves in its way to move the knob in its way.
Balks. Without sound sounding
............for oil, yes then the wind
............fall of forests to swing
............away like a smooth
............outcrop of fist then
............and then another
............bank of air to
............settle free at first
............glance space
............—but that’s a wish foiled, an egg
stilled in the fridge for a plenty of time tabled.
But this room this time's stock stopped
by a knob not moved; hairs on the wrist at rest
get greased by air vented
from a baseboard holed.
From down there your eye high-wired
looks like an egg unshelled yet mottled.
Only the hard-boiled play up there
with the apparatus. Or maybe the poached.
Your midstepping, midfingering act
in a pinch? Only nets are the rugging
and the door. Both are dewed with an odor
distilled like coughs from traffic
snarled with strict routes.
The carpet shifts.
A generation of wood is shoved.
At the refrigerator handle is a hand gloved.
© 2008, Patrick B. Robbins
4 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoWho do you think are the most overrated poets? Why?
If you'd like, feel free to divide your answer into English-language and foreign-language poets.
3 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoWho do you think are the most underrated poets? Why?
If you'd like, please feel free to divide your answer into English-language poets and foreign-language poets.
3 AnswersPoetry1 decade agoCould you please critique the hell out of my poem "awake"?
--------------------------------------------------------
awake
you
touch the warmdark
grain of your doors
you think they will yield
warmth
they are cool to the touch
the feeling is the yield of good
cutting and finishing
in the open
casket the dead body will
look warm
if the artisan yields
to teachings of craft
caskets no more
reveal their grain
why
shouldn't the cold body look cold
(c) 2008 by Patrick B. Robbins
3 AnswersPoetry1 decade ago