What should we write in a letter to our son for his adoption file?
I am looking for answers from either adopted persons or from families of origin who have had to write one of these letters. In case our son contacts the lawyer who facilitated his adoption seeking information, we want to place a letter there for him. Besides contact information, what else should be said in this letter?
2007-06-22T18:21:30Z
My son was placed eleven years ago for adoption. While I do have contact with his parents, I now know that he doesn't know anything about his family of origin. His parents don't plan on giving him any information unless he either asks or until he's 21 years old.
The trouble I have with writing one of these letters is that I have grown so much with regards to understanding the complexity of adoption. I do not want to say the doofy thing and writing a letter to someone who I really don't know how they feel is very overwhelming right now.
I figure the main parts are pictures of family members, genealogy, contact information, and a well thought out letter that walks the respectful line.
Also, with all due respect there is no need to ever thank me for placing my son for adoption. It is what it is, and it's much more complicated to live with than to be thanked as if it were sunshine and daisies. I know you mean well though!
2007-06-22T18:24:55Z
I agree family medical history should be included. Thankfully that is one part of the communication that isn't hindered and openly welcomed.
2007-06-22T19:11:48Z
Wee Girl - I do understand that he quite likely could be drinking from the adoption koolaid when he reads the letter, which is why I said it would have walk that respectful line. ;o) No where in my question did I call his parents "adoptive parents" or call them unreal.
2007-06-22T22:51:31Z
While I appreciate the idea that I should not burden him with any of my issues with adoption loss, I don't think it's okay to feed him adoption koolaid in this letter. I will not tell him how lucky he is. If he feels lucky then so be it, but I will not I will not state that adoption was the best decision that could have been made because it reeks of dismissal of what actually occurred.
Why can't a respectful letter that shows the love and caring for our son show the same respect to us by not clouding the truth? Enough lies via omission happen in adoption as it is.
You know what I do wish we had to put in there though? His original birth certificate. I'm kicking myself that I never went to get it. =o(
browneyedgirl6232007-06-22T18:44:18Z
Favorite Answer
My birth mother and I found each other when I was 29 years old. We became close for a time and then had a falling out and lost contact for another decade. thankfully, we are now good friends.
Before I met her, and during our later estrangement, I wanted to know EVERYTHING.
Things I would have like to know (and thankfully do, now) * interests * level of education * food sensitivities and allergies * interesting family history (my grandmother's family is descended from Buffalo Bill Cody) * Musical talents? * open to a meeting? * family history of mental illness * IQ scores if known
There were so many things that I wanted to know. My time of birth was not listed on my birth certificate. I will be 40 tomorrow, and I talked to my birthmom today (she is "Mum" and my adoptive mom is "Mom') and I found out that I was born at 3:23 pm and that her labor was only 1 hour 15 minutes.
If your child is interested in who you are, there is NOTHING that he will not be interested in knowing.
My child is the same age, I was fed the same koolaid about "open" adoption. I understand. It hurts. My heart goes out to you. I haven't written a letter yet.... I believe they have lied to her about me. Long story.
Maybe, I don't know, you could tell him about the songs you sang to him or the stories you might have read while you were pregnant. Tell him about when he was born and how you felt when you held him. How could anyone not want to know about that? Tell him about whatever time you had with him and what you remember.
Tell him about you. What you like to eat, drink, watch and hobbies. Tell him about brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nephews, neieces, and grandparents. Maybe he'll see how much you're alike. Finally he will feel like he understands why he's different from the rest of the family and now he has a connection.
I would think all adoptive mother and fathers would want to kiss the ground we walk on and get over being afraid of being displaced. How do they think we feel.... I forgot, we "chose" our situation... shame on any parent that isn't honoring their end of the promise. It amazes me that children can have multiple siblings, extended family, even step parents, but god forbid that the "birth" mother should also have some love to offer. Now we have to feel guilty about it.
I would listen to the adoptees and they probably know best, be careful though, I have found that some people claim things on this site and talk about great "open" adoption situations, and if you look into their profile, they really aren't who they say. Not all people who claim to be adopted are. They just say that because they may be the parent of an adoptive child....
You put whatever you feel. It's simple you loved him and still do.
I don't know, the whole business is messed up.
My very best wishes to you. I just can't stop crying... there's so much pain involved that no one but a woman who has been through this can understand.
I'm an adoptive parent to many children and I think it's wrong that no one is telling him that he's adopted until he asks or is 21 but that's just my opinion. I know that if my kids were to get a letter from one of their biological parents they would want to know whatever information you felt comfortable sharing. They would want to know whether you were open to the possibility of meeting so they could ask you more questions. I agree with whoever said to send a video instead. That will be ten times harder for you but will go a long way towards conveying your real message. When reading words on a page a person can attach many meanings to phrases that perhaps the writer did not intend. That won't happen if they're hearing the words from you and seeing your expression. Best of luck.
Hi, I'm the mother of two children, adopted internationally, and we're in the process right now of writing a similar letter for our sons birthmothers. These letters will also go to a file, and we hope some day they'll go to the agency and read them. I know it's kind of the opposite situation, but know how hard it can be to write such an important letter with no idea what to say, or how it will be recieved.
I'm suprised to hear others tell you not to express your love or true feelings, I think that being too formal might make it seem like it's not something you're comfortable discussing with him.
I know I wish we had more information about our sons birth families to share with them. Little details like where she grew up, what she likes to do, what her life was like when he was born, and is like now. Also details about family members that go beyond basic name, age, occupation, etc.
Also, is there a way for you to include a photo? Several of the adoptees in an adoption panel I attended mentioned that they really wanted to know what their birthmothers (and other family members) looked like. I know this is one thing we wish our kids had.
Good luck, I'm sure it'll be a complicated letter to write, but could be very important for your son.
Hi there - well, I'm adopted and I think the best thing an adopted child can hear is how much he or she was loved. Adoption is ultimately one of the most loving, unselfish things a biological mother can do for her child when she knows she cannot give the child a great life. In the letter, I would stress how much the decision weighed on you, why you made you the decision, and how much it was made out of love for him. I would also stress how lucky he is to have a wonderful family who has given him all that you weren't able to at that time in your life. You already know the other big stuff to include.