What should we write in a letter to our son for his adoption file?

My birth mother and I found each other when I was 29 years old. We became close for a time and then had a falling out and lost contact for another decade. thankfully, we are now good friends.

Before I met her, and during our later estrangement, I wanted to know EVERYTHING.

Things I would have like to know (and thankfully do, now)

* interests

* level of education

* food sensitivities and allergies

* interesting family history (my grandmother's family is descended from Buffalo Bill Cody)

* Musical talents?

* open to a meeting?

* family history of mental illness

* IQ scores if known

There were so many things that I wanted to know. My time of birth was not listed on my birth certificate. I will be 40 tomorrow, and I talked to my birthmom today (she is "Mum" and my adoptive mom is "Mom') and I found out that I was born at 3:23 pm and that her labor was only 1 hour 15 minutes.

If your child is interested in who you are, there is NOTHING that he will not be interested in knowing.

Namaste,

BeBe

My child is the same age, I was fed the same koolaid about "open" adoption. I understand. It hurts. My heart goes out to you. I haven't written a letter yet.... I believe they have lied to her about me. Long story.

Maybe, I don't know, you could tell him about the songs you sang to him or the stories you might have read while you were pregnant. Tell him about when he was born and how you felt when you held him. How could anyone not want to know about that? Tell him about whatever time you had with him and what you remember.

Tell him about you. What you like to eat, drink, watch and hobbies. Tell him about brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nephews, neieces, and grandparents. Maybe he'll see how much you're alike. Finally he will feel like he understands why he's different from the rest of the family and now he has a connection.

I would think all adoptive mother and fathers would want to kiss the ground we walk on and get over being afraid of being displaced. How do they think we feel.... I forgot, we "chose" our situation... shame on any parent that isn't honoring their end of the promise. It amazes me that children can have multiple siblings, extended family, even step parents, but god forbid that the "birth" mother should also have some love to offer. Now we have to feel guilty about it.

I would listen to the adoptees and they probably know best, be careful though, I have found that some people claim things on this site and talk about great "open" adoption situations, and if you look into their profile, they really aren't who they say. Not all people who claim to be adopted are. They just say that because they may be the parent of an adoptive child....

You put whatever you feel. It's simple you loved him and still do.

I don't know, the whole business is messed up.

My very best wishes to you. I just can't stop crying... there's so much pain involved that no one but a woman who has been through this can understand.

((( hug )))

I'm an adoptive parent to many children and I think it's wrong that no one is telling him that he's adopted until he asks or is 21 but that's just my opinion.

I know that if my kids were to get a letter from one of their biological parents they would want to know whatever information you felt comfortable sharing. They would want to know whether you were open to the possibility of meeting so they could ask you more questions.

I agree with whoever said to send a video instead. That will be ten times harder for you but will go a long way towards conveying your real message. When reading words on a page a person can attach many meanings to phrases that perhaps the writer did not intend. That won't happen if they're hearing the words from you and seeing your expression.

Best of luck.

Hi, I'm the mother of two children, adopted internationally, and we're in the process right now of writing a similar letter for our sons birthmothers. These letters will also go to a file, and we hope some day they'll go to the agency and read them. I know it's kind of the opposite situation, but know how hard it can be to write such an important letter with no idea what to say, or how it will be recieved.

I'm suprised to hear others tell you not to express your love or true feelings, I think that being too formal might make it seem like it's not something you're comfortable discussing with him.

I know I wish we had more information about our sons birth families to share with them. Little details like where she grew up, what she likes to do, what her life was like when he was born, and is like now. Also details about family members that go beyond basic name, age, occupation, etc.

Also, is there a way for you to include a photo? Several of the adoptees in an adoption panel I attended mentioned that they really wanted to know what their birthmothers (and other family members) looked like. I know this is one thing we wish our kids had.

Good luck, I'm sure it'll be a complicated letter to write, but could be very important for your son.

Hi there - well, I'm adopted and I think the best thing an adopted child can hear is how much he or she was loved. Adoption is ultimately one of the most loving, unselfish things a biological mother can do for her child when she knows she cannot give the child a great life. In the letter, I would stress how much the decision weighed on you, why you made you the decision, and how much it was made out of love for him. I would also stress how lucky he is to have a wonderful family who has given him all that you weren't able to at that time in your life. You already know the other big stuff to include.

I was adopted, and people always told me how much my birthmother loved me, but I needed to hear it from her. It never quit feels the same coming from other people. I wish more than anything I had a picture of her. I want to know why she put me for adoption. I want to know my heritage like my great grandparents. I would like to know what talents run in my family. I would like to know who my biological father was and more about his family. Also, little questions like what is her favorite color, food, subject in school, hobbies, etc. THE LITTLE QUESTIONS THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE MUCH TO OTHERS MATTER A LOT TO ADOPTEES. These questions could go on forever. I really hope that you can put a picture in the file as well.

I think you have all the basics. I would just caution you not to include your personal adult feelings -- like "I miss you more than life itself." Or "I miss you everyday and can't wait until were are together again." Or - "The day you left me was the worst day of my life."

Why not? These kinds of deeply sad statements are not the responsibility of the child. The child did not cause this pain. The child cannot fix this pain. Those are your feelings and belong soley to you. Children often feel so overwhelmed by this kind of traumatic disclosure, that they feel obligated to try and fix things for their birthmother. Then they often feel guilty about their own birth! This is not what any mother wants her child to feel.

So the personal, intimate feelings belong with a counselor, a husband, a close friend, or another birthmother. Not your child.

Your child needs to hear that you made best decision you could have made. That you loved him then and love him now. That you understand that no parents are perfect, but that you hope (or know) that he had a good life with his adoptive parents, who also love him.

For your child to feel good about himself, he needs to hear that you made this decision in good faith, and that you believe it was the best decision you could have made for him. If you are confident in the decision for his life, he will more likely be confident about his life as well. If you are projecting that you made a horrible decision for him, he may well decide that his life was a horrible decision, too.

That's my two cents! : )

If you just put your contact info, as an isolated datum, your son might feel like contacting you would be intrusive. So do include a little note like "I am always willing to talk," something simple.

And I agree with everybody else, medical history is a biggie, photos, etc.

why you placed him for adoption and how much you loved him is a good way to start. how you chose his parents what and where you are now and how happy and excited you would be to see or hear from. most importantly make ssure you state that decision is his and that you would never want to interfere in his life now o in the reationship he has with his adopted parents. this will make him feel comfortable in seeking you out good luck

you probably did the stunning component. purely because of fact she carried this infant does not make her a mom. She is a donor. She made the choice to sign her rights away. Legally, it is not her baby to any extent further. in the appropriate interest of the youngster, she shouldn't even take shipping of visitation.