I’m curious how people would feel if they were contacted by someone claiming to be a relative who was surrendered for adoption?
How would you feel to find out about an older sibling you never knew of?
Or, how would you feel to find out your brother or sister had a child that was placed for adoption and you never knew about them?
Would you want to know them? How would you feel about them contacting you? What would you think about them being kept a secret all these years?
I can share a story; many years ago on an adoptee group I belonged to, I was emailed by someone who was looking for her natural father. He had the same name as my adoptive dad. Unfortunately it wasn’t a match. I would have been thrilled to know my dad’s daughter, but really sad and upset that she had been kept a secret from me.
How would you feel? Or, has this happened to you?
LaurieDB2007-12-27T08:48:47Z
Favorite Answer
I would be thrilled and hope that the person would want to have a familial relationship. I would definitely think of the person in terms of the actual position in the family which he or she held by nature. I would be sad about the time we lost.
My entire extended natural family sees me and treats me as an actual family member, not just a friend. I see them the same way. There is always room for both one's adoptive and natural family members in one's heart. Reuniting does not negate or decrease the familial relationship formed with one's adoptive family. If that relationship is poor or non-existent, it is a caused by an unstable condition that existed prior to reunion with the natural family.
To be honest, I would probably not believe them and think it was some type of a scam until they showed me some proof. That's just the way I am about everything.
Ironically though, this happened to my husband when he was a teenager. Apparently, my MIL had a child many years before she met my FIL. I'm not sure I understand the full story of what happened but basically the bio father took full custody of the child with my MIL not having any contact with the child at all.
One day out of the blue, my MIL received a phone call from the now adult daughter and she wanted to visit. My MIL was put in the difficult situation of having to tell her son (my husband) that he was not the only child that he thought he was all those years and that he had a sister. He was excited at first but after meeting her a few times, they drifted apart and we have no idea where she is. My husband's version of the story was that the sister had only contacted the family looking for money. I don't know how true that is, but I do know that she only stay involved with the family for about a year before disappearing again. It's awkward for me, because I have a half-sister too, but I've grown up knowing her and can't imagine my life without her. Just goes to show that everyone can have a different experience with things in life.
While I was in my early teens my a-dad told me that he and an old girlfriend had a baby in the early 70's and that she was placed for adoption. My a-mom never knew. For many years I thought I had "made up" the story in my mind or dreamed of it. My dad never brought it up again.
When I was 22 this daughter found my dad. I was shocked but at least I had the notion in my head. My brother didn't know anything about our dad having another child but he was happy to have another sibling, as was I. Today she is very much a part of our family and we are very blessed to have her in our lives.
You should definitely talk to your cousin FIRST if you absolutely must say something. Even if that was his picture up there, that may not have been him posting. People can steal pictures from Myspace, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. and put them up on craigslist EASILY. It could be someone setting him up, pranking him, or it could really be him. Either way you should talk to him PRIVATELY first, and use a lot of finesse. It would be best if you talk to him over a beer or somewhere HE is comfortable so that its more of a casual situation. Don't demand to know if he is gay, or try to get a confession out of him by telling him that you have naughty pics of him. You never know, ya'll may end up growing closer because of the whole incident if you handle it correctly. Best.
I am adopted and a secret to my mom's 2 biological children that are now young adults. I actually refer to myself to my mother as her dirty little secret. They are several years younger than me and have no idea that I even exist. My adoption was not quite right from the start and she and my father pretty much gave me back to the state. Until recently I have always been the one to maintain the relationship but finally realized that it was seriously damaging me on many levels. Never the less, she is my mother even after having met my biological mother. Meeting my biological mother in no way made me feel whole but it was nice to finally know where I came from.
How does it make me feel, where do I start? I am angry beyond words, hurt, have feelings of being worthless and unwanted, not easily attached to anyone or anything (other than my children), resentment for her inability to live up to the commitment of having chosen a child. I feel that she robbed me of a childhood and ripped my kids off by not being a grand parent. Years of therapy have helped me to deal with it but in my entire lifetime I will never get over it.
I am an accept people as you find them kind of person and I have finally accepted her for who she is and knew it was time for me to end the relationship. One day I will find the courage to tell her why I stopped answering her calls and emails.