here is an answer to a question here in the adoption catagory=
"Why is it when the adoptive child is grown, their bio family takes an interest. Is it because all the money it takes to raise a child is no longer needed? Your bio parents did not want you when you were adopted out, why now? Have your bio parent pay back your adoptive parents for raising you if they now want a relationship."
am i the only one that is offended by this? am i being overly sensitive? anyone that knows me knows i do not offend easily, but i found this appalling. is this a common attitude?
by the way, this is the direct quote.
2008-01-09T04:02:08Z
to Heather-sorry for the re-hash of your earlier question. i didnt see it. i was kind of blinded by anger when i saw this answer. i will try to pay better attention in the future
janna w2008-01-10T19:01:14Z
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I think the main reason biological family wait to "search" for their child is because open adoption is not a common practice. In most cases the bio family have no choice but to wait. Once an adoption is final if the adoptive parents do not want to or are uncomfrontable with keeping an open adoption the law says they have the right to choose what is or isn't in their child's best interst. Even though "open adoption" is being thrown around in court rooms and agreeded upon by both bio and adoptive families it is completely legally un-inforceable. I also think most parents who give up their children are remorseful on some level and they want to know that their child is okay and that they made the right decision and if for some reason their child isn't okay they want to finally step up and help their child. I think the reason many adopted adults feel it is offensive for their bio family to pop up 20 years later is because they are still on some level either feeling abandoned or they feel that their bio family have no right to impose themselves in their lives. That's just my point of view in answer to your question no I don't think you're oversensitive and you are entitled to your feelings.
My mum handed me over because she couldn't take care of me at all. I am guessing it would have been the hardest thing to do, give up your own child because you know you cannot take care of them the way they need to. I have had contact with her quite a few years ago, I think she just wanted to make sure she made the right decision and wanted to see how I turned out,and other general stuff, like who I look like the most and eye colour and all the stuff we parents generally take for granted because we see it everyday. I don't think that she never wanted me, but chose to give me a better life. I don't take offence to anything much lol,wait until you have to decide if you can adequately raise a child all by yourself back when the government gave you nothing to have kids. Unlike now where the govt helps a lot of families with family tax benefit and single parent pension. It is a lot easier to have a child and raise it now because the govt helps out a lot. I think the quote is a little misguided and the person who said it obviously has issues about being adopted.
Yes, people do feel this way. Not all people anyways, but enough to regularly say this hurtful things on our blogs, in our email, and to our face in person. This is one of the many regular insults thrown at mothers like me.
And just an fyi to those that don't know better, our family has taken an interest in our son that we placed for adoption since birth. We will be interested until the day we die and probably even past that. The whole didn't want him thing is ridiculous in many cases, and the amount of sad stories that lead to relinquishment are the loss we grieve and deal with for a very long time afterwards. As for the whole free ride thing, another low blow towards insulting us. The whole buy a baby thing reflects just as poorly on adoptive parents as it does on firstparents.
Wow, that is very very crude! Adoption is NOT a rental agreement....
I am definitely in the, "Adoption is usually a great thing" camp, but even I find that comment extremely offensive. Even if money was a contributing factor in the need or desire to relinquish, it should not preclude a relationship at a further point. I'm not sure who posted that comment, but I have to wonder what they think about open adoptions! Should biological parents have to pay a "visitation fee"?
I think the majority of people who feel this way are people who have no ties to, or experience with, adoption.
I think the *majority* of AP's are understanding of adoptees' desire to search, and *most*, while even if they do experience hurt feelings, are mature enough to handle it. (I have seen a few rare gems who flat out do feel that way toward their adoptee's n-family and searching, but they are not common).
There are a few adoptees who are happy with their lives and don't want to search, but again *most* of them don't go around badmouthing the ones who do nor badmouthing the n-families of other adoptees just because they might have found a less-than-ideal n-family themselves.
(And I highly doubt any n-mother or father who gave up a child, would criticize themselves like that, lol).
So it's usually someone not involved with adoption, or the rare person who is, that can't see beyond their own selfishness.