Why do people close their questions early?
Or maybe I'm just slow. But, I have often wanted to answer a question here in the adoption section, but gone to bed instead (it being 2am) and next time I look it is closed. And mostly I've just shrugged.
But the last 2 days I have found an open question and composed my reply, and then when I went to preview it, the question was already closed. Yesterday it was the question about particular adoption books not being in libraries. Because i'm a librarian my answer was probably even longer and more rambling than usual, and I was playing with my daughter also, so it did take awhile and I just emailed it to the asker.
Tonight it was the one about adoptive parents and regret over not remaining childfree. And darn it, I thought I had a pretty interesting answer. And it only took something like 30 minutes to write it. Darn!
So do people close their questions because they got the answers they want? Because they are going off the front page? Because they are going to bed? Just curious.
Here's my answer to the adoptive parents and regret question, in case anyone is interested:
***********************
I'm an adoptive mom, and like any parent, there are times I reallly want and need a break from my daughter. And there are also some times that I wish for the freedom of being able to set my own schedule and not have someone totally dependent on me -- so I guess that would be wishing for that moment to be child-free. But I don't ever regret being a mom to >this< child. Even though she sometimes drives me crazy, I'm so happy overall to be her mom -- and to be a mom.
But I do think it is different to be an adoptive parent, and as others have pointed out, statistics on adoption disruption bear this out. There are a few different reasons I see for this:
1) Adoptive parents don't have the nesti period of pregnancy to adjust to being parents. Psychologically, I think this is a huge difference. You aren't a parent, and then all of a sudden you are.
-cont.
Sure, it is that way for all first time parents in some ways, but for adoptive parents (moms especially) the transition is especially abrupt, I think, because you don't have the period of pregnancy to adjust to the idea of being a parent. Plus pregnancy slows you down some and makes you turn inward, too, and that is also preparation for parenting.
2) Adoptive parents and adopted children don't always attach to each other right away. You don't have the bonding between mother and baby of the pregnancy. And you don't (usually) have the breastfeeding that cements that bond. In fact with adoptive parents and children you don't even call it bonding at all, but attachment. Most adoptive families develop very strong and healthy attachments. But it isn't automatic, and it usually takes more time. I know that for us, my daughter "glommed on" to me right away as her lifeline after she had been taken at 14 months from everything she had even known.
--continued
She hung onto me every second, and I held onto her and "wore" her full time for weeks. That helped our attachment immensely, but that grabbing hold of me was not the attachment itself. It was a sign she was traumatized and needed something to hold onto. And probably it was also a sign that she had attached to her foster mother and so knew that she needed someone to depend on. I will forever be grateful to that foster mom for having taken such loving care of her and taught her what love and attachment are. Some kids are not so lucky. If they have been in many different homes, or in neglectful homes, or in an orphanage, then they can learn that they cannot depend on anyone, so they don't attach to adoptive parents easily, and sometimes they don't really attach at all. This is called Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I think it and similar are a major cause of adoption disruption.
--continued
3) When you are an adoptive parent, you don't see yourself mirrored in your child. And they don't see themselves mirrored in you. That is just different. In some ways I think that can make it easier for adoptive parents to let their children be who >they< are, and not who you wished you were -- because they don't look like a "mini me" so you don't think of them as that. But in other ways it can be harder, I think, because you maybe don't have that automatic affinity. And it isn't just looks, necessarily. There can be genetic components to personality and to talents that are probably less likely to be in sync in adoptive families.
4) Families often adopt after infertility or pregnancy loss. It can be hard to let go of the idea of you "dream child" and parent the one you have. And sometimes infertility can take on a momentum all its own, so it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that the end goal was supposed to be parenting, not a baby.
So, I guess my answer is a tentative yes. I think that if you really do regret being a parent, then it is probably worse if you are an adoptive parent. Most adoptive parents are very happy to be parents (except for certain moments), but if you weren't cut out to be a parent, then it would be worse.
(did I warn you it was long?)
This was the question I was answering:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak_6SGzOcxpTOlauiTf1LWFq.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20080121024834AAyyApW