to all people connected to adoption, however you fit in, how do you feel about the happy ending stories? many here have expressed painful, hostile or at times, down right bitter feelings about adoption. if you have these feelings how does it make you feel to hear about the system working (thats a rare comment!) and adoption was the best choice and the lives of those affected was improved by it?
in other words, do you get sick of hearing happy endings, or does it renew your faith that sometimes it actually works out?
2008-01-31T06:12:44Z
point taken. to clarify, it was more personal about me. i fear that at times lori and i come accross that we are cramming our good fortune down others throats. we do not want to make a mockery out of others loss, we are fortunate. i just want to ensure that we are not inadvertently 'rubbing your nose' in our happiness. i respect the feelings of most of my new friends here and do not want to cause pain to anyone with constant referrals to my happy reunion.
you are right, ending is a poor choice of wording on my end, truly sorry, thanks for the heads up
blank stare2008-01-31T06:03:07Z
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I understand what you are asking, but there are no "happy endings." The ending of the adoption story (just like every story, incidentally) only comes when the participants are dead. Adoption is not a one time occurrence that, once you get past age one year, or ten years, or fifty years, ends. The adoptee will experience the consequences of relinquishment (in whatever form) for the rest of their lives. As will the adoptive parents and the original parents. As will any children the adoptee has. At what point do we identify "the end" and declare it happy?
(Point of comparison: The "happily ever after" of fairy-tales is just that, a fairy tale. The princess goes back to the castle and does... what? Do the prince and princess live forever? Does she have any children? Does she survive child-birth? Are the kids good? Bad? There is no truly happy ending, because there is no real ending.)
As for me, with the stories you are talking about, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do not deny that sometimes, it's for the best. But even then, there is a loss. And until the person has breathed his or her last, we won't know whether he or she might feel that loss as a pain in life. And we will never know what lies in their heart, unspoken, and perhaps even unacknowledged.
What I am sick of hearing about is how my position about adoption is due to my "bad experiences" and that I should be quiet and quit ruining it for everyone else. (I do not think that's what you are doing, Rachael. But it seems to be the undercurrent - and sometimes not so under - from some people.) It is possible to have had a relatively good experience and still think adoption is, at best, a complicated proposition.
ETA: Rachael... Definitely NO, I'm not sick of hearing your story. I am happy that others feel happy about their stories. I feel conflicted about mine, but that ought not determine how you feel, and I hope I've never suggested otherwise. But it also helps that you have never told someone else how they ought to feel, nor do you talk as though you want to chalk my ambivalence about adoption up to my "bad experiences." As I said above, THAT'S what I'm sick of (other) people doing.
ETA2: Sarahhhhhhhh, please read my answer more carefully. I have suspicions about happy endings, because there isn't an "ENDING" until someone dies. I admit throughout this that people can be happy. I'm happy. Please don't attack me until you've actually READ what I wrote.
I'm happy for you & for Lori & for any adoptees who are happy. I truly wish every story was a happy one.
No, it doesn't seem like you are disrespecting those who do see the problems with adoption. The only adoptees who do that are the ones who either dismiss the pain of others or deny that problems exist at all with adoption.
As for renewing faith that adoption works out, I will respectfully point out that even the happiest American adoptees still do not have their rights even if they wanted them. Even the happiest ones probably had a large sticker price on their head. Even the happiest ones are still forever seen as children in the eyes of the law.
It is still my opinion that the happiest stories of all are the adoptions that do not have to happen in the first place. Until that day comes, we should all be doing what we can to improve the system so as to minimize the unhappiness for the others as much as possible. It would be helpful if the happys worked with everyone else to ensure truly happy stories for all adoptees, now & in the future. Thanks for asking Rachael. Peace,
Both. I don't resent the happiness of others, yet I find it hard to have "faith" in the goodness of adoption, particularly now when infants are pretty much sold to the highest bidder.
I believe I had the best placement possible. I believe I am better off for having been raised by my a'parents. I believe it was the best choice for my first mother.
Yet I still find being adopted confusing and painful, in part because this "choice" was made for me. Am I a "success story"? Perhaps, but if so it is in spite of, not because of, my having been adopted.
As far as I'm concerned, Phil and Isabel nailed it.
I don't have any problem whatsoever with happy stories. My own story is for the most part happy. But that's the thing. Real stories are a little bit of happy and sad. Good and bad. Light and dark. Yin and yang, you know? My concern is that the term "happy ending" conveys the message that adoptees are some kind of 2 dimensional cartoon characters. We are just people, all of us, who have good days and bad days. I also think that some of our happy endings have more to do with our own support systems and the people we have in our lives to help us along the way. And we all have different coping skills too. I try not to judge people who have had experiences that are different than mine when it comes to adoption. It is a sensitive and personal subject that should be treated with delicately.
Happy ending...no. Best possible outcome for a bad situation...yes.
I always knew that my adoption was a success story for me. And I have only recently come to discover that my situation is exceptional, if not rare. Searching allowed me to see the other side of the proverbial fence. And now that I have seen what is there, I can honestly say that I lived on the better side and benefited hugely from greener grass.
Pain, loss, hostility, etc....of course I had those thoughts and feelings. Although, somehow I was lucky enough for them not to become the over-riding thoughts and emotions.