"happy endings"?

I understand what you are asking, but there are no "happy endings." The ending of the adoption story (just like every story, incidentally) only comes when the participants are dead. Adoption is not a one time occurrence that, once you get past age one year, or ten years, or fifty years, ends. The adoptee will experience the consequences of relinquishment (in whatever form) for the rest of their lives. As will the adoptive parents and the original parents. As will any children the adoptee has. At what point do we identify "the end" and declare it happy?

(Point of comparison: The "happily ever after" of fairy-tales is just that, a fairy tale. The princess goes back to the castle and does... what? Do the prince and princess live forever? Does she have any children? Does she survive child-birth? Are the kids good? Bad? There is no truly happy ending, because there is no real ending.)

As for me, with the stories you are talking about, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do not deny that sometimes, it's for the best. But even then, there is a loss. And until the person has breathed his or her last, we won't know whether he or she might feel that loss as a pain in life. And we will never know what lies in their heart, unspoken, and perhaps even unacknowledged.

What I am sick of hearing about is how my position about adoption is due to my "bad experiences" and that I should be quiet and quit ruining it for everyone else. (I do not think that's what you are doing, Rachael. But it seems to be the undercurrent - and sometimes not so under - from some people.) It is possible to have had a relatively good experience and still think adoption is, at best, a complicated proposition.

ETA: Rachael... Definitely NO, I'm not sick of hearing your story. I am happy that others feel happy about their stories. I feel conflicted about mine, but that ought not determine how you feel, and I hope I've never suggested otherwise. But it also helps that you have never told someone else how they ought to feel, nor do you talk as though you want to chalk my ambivalence about adoption up to my "bad experiences." As I said above, THAT'S what I'm sick of (other) people doing.

ETA2: Sarahhhhhhhh, please read my answer more carefully. I have suspicions about happy endings, because there isn't an "ENDING" until someone dies. I admit throughout this that people can be happy. I'm happy. Please don't attack me until you've actually READ what I wrote.

Hi Rachael,

I'm happy for you & for Lori & for any adoptees who are happy. I truly wish every story was a happy one.

No, it doesn't seem like you are disrespecting those who do see the problems with adoption. The only adoptees who do that are the ones who either dismiss the pain of others or deny that problems exist at all with adoption.

As for renewing faith that adoption works out, I will respectfully point out that even the happiest American adoptees still do not have their rights even if they wanted them. Even the happiest ones probably had a large sticker price on their head. Even the happiest ones are still forever seen as children in the eyes of the law.

It is still my opinion that the happiest stories of all are the adoptions that do not have to happen in the first place. Until that day comes, we should all be doing what we can to improve the system so as to minimize the unhappiness for the others as much as possible. It would be helpful if the happys worked with everyone else to ensure truly happy stories for all adoptees, now & in the future. Thanks for asking Rachael. Peace,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Both. I don't resent the happiness of others, yet I find it hard to have "faith" in the goodness of adoption, particularly now when infants are pretty much sold to the highest bidder.

I believe I had the best placement possible. I believe I am better off for having been raised by my a'parents. I believe it was the best choice for my first mother.

Yet I still find being adopted confusing and painful, in part because this "choice" was made for me. Am I a "success story"? Perhaps, but if so it is in spite of, not because of, my having been adopted.

As far as I'm concerned, Phil and Isabel nailed it.

I don't have any problem whatsoever with happy stories. My own story is for the most part happy. But that's the thing. Real stories are a little bit of happy and sad. Good and bad. Light and dark. Yin and yang, you know?

My concern is that the term "happy ending" conveys the message that adoptees are some kind of 2 dimensional cartoon characters. We are just people, all of us, who have good days and bad days.

I also think that some of our happy endings have more to do with our own support systems and the people we have in our lives to help us along the way. And we all have different coping skills too.

I try not to judge people who have had experiences that are different than mine when it comes to adoption. It is a sensitive and personal subject that should be treated with delicately.

Happy ending...no. Best possible outcome for a bad situation...yes.

I always knew that my adoption was a success story for me. And I have only recently come to discover that my situation is exceptional, if not rare. Searching allowed me to see the other side of the proverbial fence. And now that I have seen what is there, I can honestly say that I lived on the better side and benefited hugely from greener grass.

Pain, loss, hostility, etc....of course I had those thoughts and feelings. Although, somehow I was lucky enough for them not to become the over-riding thoughts and emotions.

You are right, they are not ending but just changes. Here is my short story. I'm one of 5 kids adopted by our parents when we were babies. Here are the outcomes:

45 year old son: parents specifically put in paperwork that they wanted no contacts in the future.

43 year old daughter (me): Birth mother found me when I was 26 and years after I started looking for her. We are great friends now. I met my father 3 1/2 years ago and he passed away 3 months later. Great friends with cousin from his side. My personality reflected my birth parents completely and I was always the black sheep of my adopted family though I love them like anyone would love their family.

41 year old son: No interest in finding his parents whatsoever.

40 year old daughter: Met mother and full bio sister and hates them. They are weirdos to her and it was hard to get them back out of her life. Loves a bio grand mother though.

38 year old son: Has only found bio info including that he has a full brother. Cannot find any other info.

See, all stories are different. I'm just glad that mine turned out the way it did! I always felt lost growing up.

Rachael,

I know what you mean about that. I'm happy with my life today and the opportunities I've had, plus I have a great reunion, to boot. Sometimes I feel sort of guilty in a way because it's turned out so well for me, as I have a good life today.

That's not to say that there hasn't been a lot of "stuff" I've had to deal with that is adoption related. All people have stuff with which they must deal, but adoptees have adoption related stuff that is specific to relinquishment and subsequent adoption. I won't say that stuff isn't difficult at times. But, I'm fortunate to have very good, supportive family and friends in my life. I'm fortunate to have a life I enjoy. I'm fortunate to have a reunion that has brought healing and enjoyment to my life and the lives of my first family's members, as well.

Like Phil, I don't like having to deal with the negative and sometimes accusatory assumptions of some. I certainly don't feel I should have to justify myself, yet adopted people seem to be put in that position by some.

eta:

Okay, I do have to laugh a tad at Mama2FourPrincesses' comment that happy, fulfilled adoptees don't have time to post on forums, yet she says she's happy and fulfilled, but she's posting to a forum. Huh?

Oh well, whatever. I post to forums because I believe I can be of service to others in the adoption community by sharing my own experience. I have a good life and much to do in it, but I choose for one of those things to be sharing here. There are so many different aspects to adoption that I think it's important that many people share their experiences and what they have learned, so everyone here can see adoption in a fuller, more complete way. I involve myself so that I can help to make adoption better. I see nothing disdainful in that.

Mama2FourPrincess' comment was prejudicial and unkind.

I have no right to answer this but want people to know that I too feel like Rachael at times. I don't want to cram anything down anyones throat or make them feel like (oh it's them again). I have learned so much here and still am very happy that I have a relationship with rachael and now her father. It has brought much peace to my heart. If I died tomorrow I'm pretty sure I would go feeling fulfilled. (No unfinished business.)

I respect you all and appriciate your input. I just sometimes feel a lttle gulty. Blessed, but guilty.

I'm not bothered by someone else's happy adoption story. Since I don't know them, I can only take their word for it that they're happy, and it doesn't make me feel worse about my story.

Actually, what makes me feel really bad, is when I hear about adoptees that have been abused by their adoptive parents, I feel just horrible for them.

Imo, happy adoptees have every right to their happiness, I would never try to take that away from them. I would never wish the painful feelings I have on anyone else.

However, I do object to happy adoptees telling adoptees like me to get over it, and stop whining, or AP's who tell us to be grateful and asking us "Would you have preferred to have been aborted"? Or when happy adoptees tell PAP's "don't listen to the negative comments on here." WTF, why not?! Do our comments have less validity than theirs?

And I get seriously pissed off when it is suggested that we go find somewhere else to talk about our experiences, because NO one has the right to tell us to shut up just because they don't like what we're saying. It's a two-way street, if happy adoptees can share about their happy experiences we should be allowed the same courtesy to share our less than glowing experiences.

I just found out a yr. ago that I have a half brother.(I am 37) My mother had him at the age of 17 and gave him up for adoption. We have since met and I am soooo happy to have him in my family. Our situation is that my mom (our) is thrilled to have finally found him but because my brothers adoptive mom doesn't know that he was looking for us, we can't "publicly" show our happiness. (She told him as a young child that he was adopted but told him that he would not receive ANY information about his birth parents until after she died)

He wants to honor her wishes but he wants to be a part of our lives as well. So, we have to be careful who we tell, because there may be a connection.

It ticks me off because I want to yell from the rooftops(ya corny i know)" I finally have the older brother I always wanted!!!!!"

This to me has been a happy ending except for my feelings towards my mother that have developed(negative) That my friend, is for another discussion!