reminded me of something I've been curious about - adoption order and desire to search.
I've always wanted to search, while my adopted sister who came to our home four years later used to always state she never wanted to search.
My talking about searching during my teen years made my adoptive mother very uncomfortable. I wondered if perhaps my younger adoptive sister saw how uncomfortable it made her, and that shaped her opinions, as not to hurt our mother's feelings. One of her reasons she gave me once as to why she didn't want to search was not to hurt mom.
So any answers will have two parts:
a.) Have you searched/do you want to search? b.) What was your place in the adoption order, i.e, only child, eldest, youngest, middle?
Thanks.
Anonymous2008-03-05T13:08:47Z
Favorite Answer
I was the youngest of 3 - and the only adopted - with a 13/14 yr age gap between them and me. (sometimes I felt like an only child - as my sibs moved out of home early-ish) I always wanted to search - but put it off for many years because my a-mum got upset when I talked about wanting to know about my history etc. Started the search at 26 - when pregnant with my first - and my a-mum had since passed away 8 yrs earlier. (still felt huge amounts of guilt for my a-mum's feelings) Seriously searched at 35 - finding bio family - complete with married parents and 3 full sibs - all younger than me!! (yeah - that is weird to have all these younger sibs when I was always the baby!!!)
I think that the people that genuinely don't have a desire to search already know what they want and what they don't want. Kudos to them. But for the ones that are angry about it... that get testy and vindictive about it... I think they protest a bit much... maybe it's not a sign that they REALLY want to search, but it IS probably a sign that there ARE some unresolved issues. That's why I tend not to believe people on here who fight with everybody else because they're 'oh so happy.' When these so-called 'happy' adoptees are attacking unhappy ones, then I get a little suspicious.
I'm the youngest...and I never wanted to search (though I am now). I had a REALLY rebellious older sister, also adopted, who brought up adoption all the time and threw it into my parents faces causing them great pain. I have always thought that I became the "good" daughter as a result of my sister's extreme wildness. I got good grades, athlete etc....BUT until your question, I have never considered that my sister's behavior might have effected my attitude on searching. I think this probably did keep me from searching earlier...as I did everything in my power growing up not to be like my sister who is 5 years older.
This is really an "aha" moment for me. Thanks for the question. Ya learn something new everyday!
I am not an adopted person but know several adult adoptees on a very personal level. My bioligcal children's father is adopted and so is his sister... He searched at age 43 and his sister never has.... His sister is the oldest he is the youngest.
His sister was also married to an adopted person, and he was also younger then his sister who was also adopted... He searched in his 30's and his sister has never been interested...
My cousin was the youngest but, the only child adopted... She never wanted to search at all--she was found by a sibling and has now reunited with her birth family in her mid 30's
I did search and found my birth family shortly after having my third child. My adopted mother and father were crushed, but I explained to them that I had to do it. I had three children, there were three of us given up...I just had to. Then I also told them that there wasn't any way in the world that my birth family could ever be my parents, because that's what they [adopted mom and dad] are to me. That I loved them dearly, but I had a curiousity that I couldn't disregard any longer.
My adopted mother was the same way yours was. I told my fourth grade teacher that I was adopted, and I was in huge trouble when I got home. So, my mom didn't get sad, she got mad and we were never, ever to speak of it.
I used to hold a lot of resentment toward her for that [and more], but how can you be angry at someone for trying to do the best she could, and not knowing or understanding the circumstances you came from? How can you be angry and resent someone, because they were completely ignorant of the horrible things people did to children? The only one being eaten up by that resentment was me.