AP's & PAP's - Does anything you've learned here make you regret some things you've said to adoptees?
After reading some of the answers to this same question addressed to ADOPTEES, I seriously doubt it. It seems it's OK for AP's & PAP's to say cruel, hateful, mean things to adoptees. But I wonder. Do you ever regret the cruel, mean, horrible, judgmental, harsh things YOU say to adoptees?
After all, adoptees are horrible for wanting to reform adoption, for believing adoption should be focused on the child's needs, rather than adult's needs.
I wasn't an angry adoptee until I landed her and read so many of the AP & PAP's posts. How can you justify your own cruelty to adoptees?
2008-04-07T21:48:37Z
Thanks, Gaia & Happy Mom! You guys have helped restore some of my faith.
Gaia, you've never said anything that I recall that was remotely cruel. Sometimes you try **too** hard to be so understanding. But that's kinda like being **too** nice - eh? LOL
Nor, really, have you ever said anything cruel, Happy Mom. I think at first we may have misunderstood one another, but I have learned much about you & have so much respect for you as an AP. Wow, you supported open records!
{{{hugs**}}} to you both...
2008-04-07T22:08:15Z
Mom5grlz~can't IMAGINE you ever said anything cruel. Just can't! You know I want you to adopt me. LOL
Jennifer L~I totally hear what you're saying. I'm afraid I've been baited into responding myself, never with a 'positive' response (on my part).
I have much respect for many of the AP's & PAP's here...just so you know. It's the cruel comments by some that get me. Oh...and perhaps a couple of dangerous hormone swings? Anyway...thanks to you all. I feel much better....glad you're here!
{{{hugs}}}
2008-04-07T22:09:41Z
Oh...and thanks for answering...but I've never read anything cruel any one of you've said...BTW
Freckle Face2008-04-07T21:52:04Z
Favorite Answer
Hi Robin,
Um, Yeah. I can't even go back and look at the earliest things i said. I turn red just thinking about it. I'm really sorry for anything i might have said that caused pain or hurt an adoptee.
I thank you all for putting up with me as i learn. I appreciate the time and effort you take in explaining things to me so i get it. Still learning.
I saw the post you were talking about, i did plan on not answering until i read some answers. Then i was forced to answer. As always i will stand up for adoptees and first mothers on Y!A and IRL.
Psh! YEAH!!! Some of the dumb@$$ things I've said in my life, I CRINGE when I think back on that stuff! I was raised with the "adoption is better than abortion" line (even though no one in my family has ever had anything to do with adoption, that I am aware of...so why did they feel they have the right to have an (uninformed) opinion? Dunno, you'd have to ask them). I have said some horrific things, or at least thought them. Oh yeah, I have learned a LOT since I started reading this board. I am eternally grateful for you and the other adoptees here. I can't imagine the pain I could have caused had I not found you. I apologize for every uninformed thought I've ever had! I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic, it's not. I spent a good majority of my life uninformed, and while I did a whole lot of research before I came here, I have learned 100 times more from reading these posts on here, and the blogs and other things adoptees suggest reading.
I have said some pretty nasty things in retort to people who have attacked me. I have often regretted lowering myself to that level or allowing myself to be "baited". One thing though that I try to do when possible is to email the person to apologize personally if I misunderstood the comment or try to explain things in more detail if I have offended someone without trying. Do I regret defending my son and my family when attacked? No. Any good parent - adoptive or biological - would defend their child when backed into a corner (I would hope). Many times some of the attacks that are flung here make me feel as though I need to be defensive for my son's sake. I do not regret getting defensive in those situations. I want to hope that this doesn't happen often for me in my q&a but I know that it has happened on occasion in the past.
I have learned a great deal from some very special people here on Y!A who just happen to be adoptees. : ) I hope that much of the information they have shared will help me to be a better parent to my son as he grows older.
to answer your question, I'm an adoptee, I even regret some things I've said to some other adoptees here. YES. For the most part, i stick with my people and try to help them out as much as possible, overall, i think I achieve that! And I leave with no regrets.
Another disrespectful post from Shelly. Doesn't surprise me in the least. Maybe you should go read your first book on adoption so that you can actually have SOME experience with it instead of answering questions on a forum all day in a situation you're not even a part of, take a class, do some research, something?
I have learned things by intereacting with several different groups on different websites.... I do sometimes regret something I write--or the way I write it.... Often, I find it is the tone that if misunderstood rather then what I am actually trying to say.
I always regret when I hurt someone's feelings... Sometimes I regret that my oppinion hurts someone's feelings... I do often change how I say things--and I have often changed my position when I have looked at something and considered all the input....
Sometimes I take issue with a "certain" kind of emotional stance but, I do that with a lot of other issues in the same way... It isn't really about adoption--but with some emotional things I have my own approach and like anyone else I deal with things my own way....
I was a big part of the citizens initiative in Oregon to open up the Original Birth Cirtificates... My ex-husband (14 yrs) and the father of my biological kids was adopted.
When we adopted our children and since it has been completely about them... We didn't adopt for ourselves--and I sure didn't need to start all over--but, we wanted to change the lives of our children...and give them whatever it takes to make the best life they can find.....