Critic my Poem?
Its said the best writing is often inspired by tragic,sorrowful or venemous events. This is my first attempt at poetry. I know it is amateur and does not subscribe the modern rage of free verse. It is inspired by the almost concurrent lose of the most prescious creature I have known, a cat named Jamilla Sinjab and my wife of 29 years deciding the best relationship we can have is to be no more than friends.
http://jamilla-sinjab.last-memories.com/
Please give your honest thoughts on how to improve this poem.
Amor Jamilla
You must be thinking
how tricky and clever of him
To write you this poem
as if he were me, Jem
I tell you this now
dont think what it seems
I speak with him daily
quite often in dreams
I know you love poetry
and music and laughter
Returning this to you
is what I am after
I rest by your side
you rub my furred brow
The memory of this
I recall fondly now
I speak to you softly
from a long way afar
You keep unsafe feeling
locked tight in a jar
Surely you learned
from our time together
To cherish each moment
among flowers and heather
To learn from the past
not fear the future
The present is sewn
tightly with suture
One door you closed on him
the other open for me
This leads to demise
of both he and thee
I find no fault of you
my love is to forgive
we both spent our time
learning to love and to live
You took the man
to have and to hold
Then one named Barak
captured your soul
Losing dear Molly
caused him to regret
To find her replacement
he soon was set
You found me through paws
Im certain of that
Instantly he knew me
"what an african cat"
Its puzzling to me
and so it seem
not seeing beyond wants
and into the dream
Yes I agree. Whithout knowing the story behind it, it lacks focus, and is hard for a reader to understand whithout lengthy explaination. This would take away from it. No Im not a poet or writer but Thanks.
Not sure I want to be either Sarah, if being a poet means you have to go through this much pain and sorrow.
Brit..doesnt rhyme???????....thats the problem with it, it rhymes too much and does not tell the average person what happened.
You guys just try to ignore Brit she has already shown her colors. In her own words, "poetry hater". So what are you doing here Brit, just harrassing amateur poets, nothing better to do with your time?