Why is it acceptable for non-adopted people to spend money on genealogy searches, spend countless hours online and at archives pouring over old public records, and travel far distances to visit the graves or villages of relatives they've never met - but when adoptees do it, it's questioned?
Where does that double standard come from?
Robin2008-05-16T16:59:25Z
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What an absolutely GREAT QUESTION! I've wondered this so many times myself. Not everyone is interested in genealogy, anthropology, archaeology, history, etc., (an answer to why some adoptees don't search).
It's not b/c those adoptees are happier, more well adjusted, more bonded to their adopted families, less "angry, bitter, or ungrateful". It's just because they aren't interested! Just as some people aren't interested in the topics listed above.
People don't just look for graves or villages of relatives, they find distant relatives who embrace them as 'long lost' family! I have friends who traveled to Italy to a small town that had many residents with their last name. When the town found out their sir name, they were treated like honored guests & long lost family. Even after several generations born in America! And you know those people were VERY DISTANT relations. Why all the joy?
Another friend had a grandfather (who'd passed on many years earlier) born in a small Greek town. When she visited that small town, her grandfather's 2nd or 3rd cousin was waiting for her to arrive. The hotel staff knew he was waiting for her! Everyone in the town knew she was coming. She spoke no Greek, & he no English. Through a translater with a bit of struggle, she got to hear stories about her grandfather's childhood days growing up in Greece.
To the AP who wrote, "In a way, it's almost an insult too, that the child doesn't accept the family that raises it, loves it, and cares for it like their own.", I really feel sad for you! An insult? Seriously? Having an interest in our heritage & genealogy does NOT mean we don't accept our (adopted) family! That's just CRAZY! It's more akin to looking for distant relatives.
As an adoptee, I'd feel insulted if my own family, the one I was raised with & grew up in, the one I love & care for AS MY OWN - didn't understand my NATURAL curiosity & interest and tried to make it ALL ABOUT THEM instead of just a part of my life.
I think a big part of why we (as a society) fail to acknowledge adoptees' loss is that adoptees are perceived as perpetual and everlasting children. There seems to be an impression that because we were adopted as babies or small children, we do not remember, miss, feel, nor understand what has happened to us. Nor are we ever allowed to, even when we reach maturity. Others dismiss adoptees' loss away as if it were nothing, asking: How can you miss what you've never had? Maybe adoptees cannot, but we can certainly be jealous of the rights afforded to non-adoptees. The others in the triad are old enough to speak for themselves; defend their opinions and rights; remember, feel and understand what has happened. And therefore, it appears as if they are simply taken more seriously. They make the decisions, sign the documents, and are always treated as adults.
Yes, absolutely there is a double standard. I occasionally do library searches for friends when I visit obscure places. If you tell the librarian you are searching for a first mom or an adoptee, the librarian suddenly stops being helpful. As long as you just say you are doing genealogical research, many avenues are opened up with suggestions of other places to search.
The thing is, people who have done genealogical searches have also found negative things or been rejected often because there were past feuds. I don't see it as much different. The hatred my cousins encountered from their relatives was incredible (due to feud that started during WW2, no less).
I'm searching right now and I have received nothing but positive feedback. My parents, friends, family all think it's great. My kids are especially curious to find out what their heritage is. Honestly, what anyone outside this circle thinks, is of no concern to me.
I think that this "double standard" involves those who are trying to reunite. Sometimes people may feel that an adoptee is trying to impose themselves into another person's life. This makes people feel uncomfortable. This is different than merely doing a geneology search. I'm not saying this attitude is right, just that it is something that is generally misunderstood.
Good question! In my opinion (I haven't done any research on this, so it's JUST my opinion), there is a double standard because others think: "You already have a family. Why not leave well enough alone?" Or "You are really going to hurt your adoptive parents' feelings by searching." I was not adopted and I am interested in my heritage. I adopted my son and know next to nothing about his heritage. I wish I knew something so that I could share it with him! If he chooses to search when he's older, I will fully support him. I hope this double standard is changing. People have a right to know who they are culturally and where they come from.