Adoptees...did you miss looking like someone in the family?
I've seen many comments about international or interracial adoption - things about the culture & language being different, etc. All valid points. And it got me wondering how many adoptees noticed that they didn't look like anyone in their family even though your adopted parents were the same race?
I was adopted by parents that had the same coloring, etc. I never had a good 'self image' of my appearance (could have something to do with a nasty comment from my a.mom). But I wonder how much of it had to do with the fact that I didn't look like anyone in my family.
Before I found my birth family, I really looked forward to looking into a face that looked like mine. Did anyone else share a similar experience?
2008-07-04T15:02:16Z
Family isn't just about blood to me-it's about ties. I've remained friends w/my ex & view him as part of my extended family. After all, we have a child together & we both are HER family. I embrace my friends as part of my extended family & families are forever!
That personality trait didn't change my desire to see a face that looks like my own. When I met my 1st mom, I barely looked like her. She is 6" shorter than I (as is a 1/2 sister). When I met my b.dad, I found out who I looked like. It was blatantly OBVIOUS that I was his daughter! 6'4" tall, same coloring, & my face looks is the feminine version of his (he said I look just like his mom & sis). One of his daughter's & his former wife both say I have his mannerisms & expressions. Strange, since I never spent much time with him. It IS comforting to know (finally) who I take after, who I look like. I take after both my dads, BTW. Just in different ways.
It's not about embracing differences. It's SO much more than that! Thanks!
2008-07-07T11:52:00Z
Oh man...hope you all will forgive me but I just can't choose a "Best Answer" b/c all of you have written so eloquently about this issue. Thanks so much for sharing your stories! I'm just so moved by your stories.
Spread Peace and Love2008-07-04T08:39:15Z
Favorite Answer
No I never had an issue with this. It’s funny because just a short while ago this topic came up in my mixed raced group. About people having issues if they didn’t resemble their parents a lot and these were people that are not adopted.
I accept and embrace people’s differences I always have. So does my family we celebrated differences because that was the way it was meant to be.
OMG! Girl, I used to make up stuff, resemblances that may not have really been there. We were all the within the same color palette but didn't favor a ton. When I finally met my birth family, it was nice to see people who looked like me but it was almost weird! None the less, I am glad that I did it.
My a-parents never made me feel any different or made comments about it. Matter of fact, for years, no one even knew I was adopted. When they found out, it was just like "Oh!.... Ok!" I thought it was obvious but to others it really wasn't.
I'm looking at this from a couple generations down. My mother was adopted. For so long, the only place my mom could look for clues about her biological past was to my sister and me. She was always comparing our eyes, lips, legs, the way our tummies were built... It was like looking for her own mother in us. It was hard whenever the doctor asked "Do you have --- in your family history?", because we just never knew.
Many times, I would just like to know what country we're from. It's hard, because I've felt like we came out of everywhere and nowhere.
But last month, I had a baby. It's Mama's grandson, and I see the joy she experiences seeing a new life... She's never seen a boy who's related to her! She just studies everything about him. That wish she had to see her mother and father really did get answered, eventually.
The baby... He has her smile. And we know that somewhere, looking down on us, that must be her mother and father's smile, too.
I absolutely missed looking like people in my family, though we were a generic white bread family and my dad and a-bro have blonde hair/blue eyes like me. The hardest part was my height and physical build. I was 6'1 when I was 12 and my a-parents are tiny!
When I met my n-dad (who's 6'5) and my 1/2 sister (who's 9 and is as tall as I was when I was 9), it was just FANTASTIC to actually look like someone. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful.
Oh man, I've always been soooooo envious of people who are related by blood and can see themselves in their relatives.
My adoptive family was a "good match" on a superficial level. They are white, pale skin, brown hair. The similarities end right there. My afamily are short, kind of stocky build, with brown eyes and thin, mousy brown hair...I am tall, thin athletic build, with green eyes, full lips, and thick, golden brown hair (at least when I was young, lol). I stuck out in my afamily like a very sore thumb.
I used to HATE my long legs and my big lips. I would slouch and go around biting my lips inside my mouth to make them less noticeable, because I think on a deep level I really wanted to look like my afamily and it disturbed me deeply that I didn't look like them. I would often whine about how I didn't look anyone and I would say things like "even the dogs have brown eyes!"
I hate to say it, but the truth is that I was much more attractive than my adoptive family, and that made me Extremely self-conscious....especially when I would get attention from the opposite sex, and my amom would get mad at ME for flirting! Basically I felt like a whore before I had even done anything. It all came to a head when I was a teenager and my amom basically wouldn't let me date at all because she was sure I was "going all the way". And then when I did get pregnant in my twenties, her first comment was, "I always knew you would do this to me." What the hell? You always knew I would grow up to be a whore...like maybe my real mom was? Is that what you were trying to say you jealous b*tch?
Please excuse me, I totally digress. To answer your question, yes, I did miss very much looking like someone. When I met my nfather when I was 22, I looked strait into my own face. I look EXACTLY like him...except female, of course, lol. He is very tall, athletic, green eyes, full lips, thick hair. We have the EXACT same nose...which my own daughter also has, as well as the green eyes. It is totally awesome to look at the next generation and see me...and him.