Is losing a child to adoption worse than losing a child in death?
First off, I just want everyone to know that I in no way mean to undermine the death of a child. The loss of a child, in my honest opinion, is one of if not the most painful experiences a person can go through.
I was speaking to someone the other day and the topic came up. I can not say for sure for I have only one of these experiences, but I wondered if my situation was not worse. I suppose my situation is a bit different because I'm still fighting for my son, but I feel like there is no closure because there is no end. I can't grieve the loss because I still have hope and I think that is what is causing my pain. I wonder how he's doing. Is he sitting up yet. When I was in court, the APs said he was starting to coo. Has he started babbling yet? Then I also wonder, when, if ever? Will I see him before he learns "mama" and "dada"? Before he learns to walk? talk? ever?
I must say, I try to be stoic, but when I was in court, I couldn't help but cry those whole two hours.
2008-07-19T02:01:40Z
It was so painful to hear how about all of those milestones he'd already reached. His first smile. His first coo. Painful to know that others were witnessing the very things I'd be wishing every day I could see.
Then again, I'm sure parents of a deceased child wonder. How would he or she have looked? What would that laugh have been like?
When it comes down to it, is there really an answer or is loss of an kind of equal pain and suffering.
All thoughts welcome.
2008-07-19T02:16:40Z
Judi:
I would much rather that she was adopted...I'd know she was still there, still happy, still getting to experience life, and that would be more important than my feelings of loss for her.
That is very true. Thank you for that P.O.V.
tish2008-07-19T06:57:13Z
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ironically camira...
quite frankly, i'm surprised at the responses you are receiving. most accept that adoption loss (from the fmom's perspective) and death are not the same. yet, substitute the variable "fmom" with "amom" and "adoption" with "failed adoption" and see the responses change...
there are people who actually believe that losing a child to a "failed adoption" is more like a death, yet a birthmother's loss is simply part of the game, hence not so much...go figure
personally, i have a problem comparing anything to the death of a child. yet, i can see where a fmom losing her child to adoption would be ranked pretty high on the scale of loss, per se.
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now...re: your baby.
we have discussed this off-board and i COMPLETELY EMPATHIZE with you. everytime i hear one of these stories, i thank my lucky stars i changed my mind.
personally, i think what is happening to you is ridiculous. it's clear that you want your child, yet the aparents are fighting you. my God... talk about tourture! IMO, i think if a fmom is contesting an adoption, that's an indication to let go and let child go back to his or her mom.
ps. i wonder how anyone can remain stoic in this situation. hell, i would be a babbling mess!!!
good luck... and i hope you get your baby back.
ETA: Tish, comparing our answers to other posters, is similar to comparing apples and oranges."
not if the questions are similar and are drawn from two samples from the same popluation... eg. people who answer a yahoo adoption message board.---regards, your friendly neighborhood researcher!
I have never relinquished a child (nor had a child die), so I can only come at it from an adoptee perspective...
I would never want my parents to die, there would always be the regret of the years we could spend together, but in terms of grief, the funeral process and knowing that it is 'final' even though I would want to spend more time with them, would help getting through the grief process.
Being adopted, on the other hand, is a lifelong grief process with no real end. I lost 25 years of getting to know my n-family, and I will always be adopted.
So I would think that relinquishing a child for adoption would be harder in the grief process because it isn't final and doesn't end...there is always the chance that you could see your baby again, that someday you could have a relationship, etc. etc., is keeping the grief process going without having an end. If your child had died I am SURE that it would make you feel awful and it would affect you for a long time, but there is something about the finality of a funeral and and an actual end point that helps people in their grief process.
I would say that if there is the ability to talk to a counselor, it can be very helpful in talking about all of the emotions that you are going through.
We just had a bio mom change her mind the night before her c-section. The babies (she was pregnant with twins) were never officially mine, but I sure felt like they were. I was fully intending to bring them home and make them part of my family. I've been in a fog the last few days and I can't imagine feeling any different if we lost a child to death...we lost our babies. Other people may not agree or understand, but that's how I feel. I understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you how to cope, but I'm not sure I can do that myself.
Losing your child for any reason, leaves you feeling that loss. You are going to grieve that loss for a long while to come, and part of grieving is DENIAL. There are things you can never get back, just as you say here. In death there is a finality and a closure. With adoption there is the hope for a day when you can reunite, but the complete uncertainty in terms of IF, that day will truly come. Look, it isn't right and it isn't fair, but when you walk into that court house, you MUST portray that you are:\ STABLE COMPETENT UP TO THE TASK You CANNOT do that if you are crying for hours and falling apart inside. There is a time and place to let your emotions out-- a court room is NEVER the place to do it though. You sound VERY depressed, which is VERY understandable. My advice? Before you go to court again, go get a consult with a therapist and check into going on an anti-depressant, THAT WAY, you can regain the composure you MUST have in court to EFFECTIVELY advocate for the position you are taking. You don't want the judge to feel bad for you-- you want the judge to decide that you are the right party to raise your son. And to have that happen you only get a very short time to get your points made. You can't do it if you are too emotional, and going in there like the walking wounded. Courts are terrible places, the wrong calls get made nearly as often as the right ones do. Image is EVERYTHING, it is an essential part of the limited presentation you get to make. You have to come off as strong, loving and competent and no matter what has already transpired you have to have enough faith and optimism to believe THIS time it WILL be different. So chin up, the court is an adversarial place and the stakes are too high to let your guard down and get trampled. The only CHANCE you have to prevail is to get your act together and make sure everyone in there KNOWS it. If the court seems like it is leaning towards favoring adoption, THINK on your feet, start making the case for an OPEN ADOPTION. No court order can ever truly sever the bond between a mother and their child, remember that and go in there ready to effectively make your points to that judge.
First, I want to say how sorry i am for what you are going thru. I can't imagine anything worse than being separated from your child.
Second, my first daughter was stillborn. The only comfort i could find in this situation was that she was with GOD. I know where my daughter is. I know no one could love her more than GOD. That is the only thing that keeps me sane. I have often said that "not knowing where your child is" would be worse than death.
Granted i have not experienced losing a child to adoption and i don't have any living memories with her, which i imagine would be harder. I do remember her kicking and twisting and turning every time i sang Amazing Grace. I remember placing headphones on my stomach so she could listen to Mozart and Beethoven. Its an incredible pain to lose a child. A pain that you will never recover from. Death, adoption, abduction all very similar circumstances with the same results, separating mothers and children. Always so sad.
Its hard to say if one is more painful than the other, it depends on the people involved. From my point of view, yes adoption is worse than the death of a child. I know where my daughter is and i know without a doubt that she is loved. My heart goes out to you, Camira. (((((hugs))))