Is losing a child to adoption worse than losing a child in death?

ironically camira...

quite frankly, i'm surprised at the responses you are receiving. most accept that adoption loss (from the fmom's perspective) and death are not the same. yet, substitute the variable "fmom" with "amom" and "adoption" with "failed adoption" and see the responses change...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmABS...

there are people who actually believe that losing a child to a "failed adoption" is more like a death, yet a birthmother's loss is simply part of the game, hence not so much...go figure

personally, i have a problem comparing anything to the death of a child. yet, i can see where a fmom losing her child to adoption would be ranked pretty high on the scale of loss, per se.

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now...re: your baby.

we have discussed this off-board and i COMPLETELY EMPATHIZE with you. everytime i hear one of these stories, i thank my lucky stars i changed my mind.

personally, i think what is happening to you is ridiculous. it's clear that you want your child, yet the aparents are fighting you. my God... talk about tourture! IMO, i think if a fmom is contesting an adoption, that's an indication to let go and let child go back to his or her mom.

ps. i wonder how anyone can remain stoic in this situation. hell, i would be a babbling mess!!!

good luck... and i hope you get your baby back.

ETA: Tish, comparing our answers to other posters, is similar to comparing apples and oranges."

not if the questions are similar and are drawn from two samples from the same popluation... eg. people who answer a yahoo adoption message board.---regards, your friendly neighborhood researcher!

I have never relinquished a child (nor had a child die), so I can only come at it from an adoptee perspective...

I would never want my parents to die, there would always be the regret of the years we could spend together, but in terms of grief, the funeral process and knowing that it is 'final' even though I would want to spend more time with them, would help getting through the grief process.

Being adopted, on the other hand, is a lifelong grief process with no real end. I lost 25 years of getting to know my n-family, and I will always be adopted.

So I would think that relinquishing a child for adoption would be harder in the grief process because it isn't final and doesn't end...there is always the chance that you could see your baby again, that someday you could have a relationship, etc. etc., is keeping the grief process going without having an end. If your child had died I am SURE that it would make you feel awful and it would affect you for a long time, but there is something about the finality of a funeral and and an actual end point that helps people in their grief process.

I would say that if there is the ability to talk to a counselor, it can be very helpful in talking about all of the emotions that you are going through.

We just had a bio mom change her mind the night before her c-section. The babies (she was pregnant with twins) were never officially mine, but I sure felt like they were. I was fully intending to bring them home and make them part of my family. I've been in a fog the last few days and I can't imagine feeling any different if we lost a child to death...we lost our babies. Other people may not agree or understand, but that's how I feel. I understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you how to cope, but I'm not sure I can do that myself.

Much love.

Losing your child for any reason, leaves you feeling that loss. You are going to grieve that loss for a long while to come, and part of grieving is DENIAL.

There are things you can never get back, just as you say here.

In death there is a finality and a closure. With adoption there is the hope for a day when you can reunite, but the complete uncertainty in terms of IF, that day will truly come.

Look, it isn't right and it isn't fair, but when you walk into that court house, you MUST portray that you are:\

STABLE

COMPETENT

UP TO THE TASK

You CANNOT do that if you are crying for hours and falling apart inside. There is a time and place to let your emotions out-- a court room is NEVER the place to do it though.

You sound VERY depressed, which is VERY understandable. My advice? Before you go to court again, go get a consult with a therapist and check into going on an anti-depressant, THAT WAY, you can regain the composure you MUST have in court to EFFECTIVELY advocate for the position you are taking. You don't want the judge to feel bad for you-- you want the judge to decide that you are the right party to raise your son. And to have that happen you only get a very short time to get your points made. You can't do it if you are too emotional, and going in there like the walking wounded. Courts are terrible places, the wrong calls get made nearly as often as the right ones do. Image is EVERYTHING, it is an essential part of the limited presentation you get to make. You have to come off as strong, loving and competent and no matter what has already transpired you have to have enough faith and optimism to believe THIS time it WILL be different.

So chin up, the court is an adversarial place and the stakes are too high to let your guard down and get trampled. The only CHANCE you have to prevail is to get your act together and make sure everyone in there KNOWS it.

If the court seems like it is leaning towards favoring adoption, THINK on your feet, start making the case for an OPEN ADOPTION. No court order can ever truly sever the bond between a mother and their child, remember that and go in there ready to effectively make your points to that judge.

Hi Camira,

First, I want to say how sorry i am for what you are going thru. I can't imagine anything worse than being separated from your child.

Second, my first daughter was stillborn. The only comfort i could find in this situation was that she was with GOD. I know where my daughter is. I know no one could love her more than GOD. That is the only thing that keeps me sane. I have often said that "not knowing where your child is" would be worse than death.

Granted i have not experienced losing a child to adoption and i don't have any living memories with her, which i imagine would be harder. I do remember her kicking and twisting and turning every time i sang Amazing Grace. I remember placing headphones on my stomach so she could listen to Mozart and Beethoven. Its an incredible pain to lose a child. A pain that you will never recover from. Death, adoption, abduction all very similar circumstances with the same results, separating mothers and children. Always so sad.

Its hard to say if one is more painful than the other, it depends on the people involved. From my point of view, yes adoption is worse than the death of a child. I know where my daughter is and i know without a doubt that she is loved. My heart goes out to you, Camira. (((((hugs))))

Well I have given birth to a stillborn son as well as relinquishing a daughter so I have personal experience of both.To me,both types of loss are as bad as the other,but for different reasons and so I suppose that,to some people,these would cause some to question the validity of what I have stated.With my daughter the pain is not knowing how she has grown up and any facts regarding her life unless she would permit me some knowledge in the future and as for the loss of my son I know the pain of never seeing him grow and become a part of my family.With both types of loss I do know and always will know a strong feeling of grief and loss,but for different reasons.To me both are as hard as the other.

I lost my 21 yo daughter in 2005 to rhabdomyosarcoma.

I truly have never felt pain like that in my life. Today 3 years later I'm okay. I still love and miss her terribly. But I have closure.

My mom on the other hand relinquished me in 61. I found her in 2000. She always says for all those years I had no idea if you were alive or dead, she had no closure and still doesn't.She still grieves that loss and always will I believe.

One had an end one did not

Really sorry for you pain

Good luck

I would say adoption because you morn for something you never had and you will always wonder how the child is doing and if the child is ok. In death you know where your child is.

My son went through hell looking for his son and wondering if he was ok and what he looked like and when he took his first step his 1st words. He didn't findhim until he was 16 months old and can never re live the first moment from birth to 16 months.

My sister in law lost her child years ago and she was beside her self but she had her pictures and experience she had with this wonderful child.

I guess after seeing both sides they are close to one of the same. I would feel more at ease with my child being with jesus than with a couple i really don't know.

My son get's visitaion with his son now. But if the child ask about his childhood when he get's older my son has no pictures and nothing to tell him until 18 month when he first saw him. It's just like the woman that found out that her baby dies of sids after adoption and she had being waiting for years to find him just be told he died or the lady that gave her baby up and waited until the child wasover 18 to start looking for him only to find out the adopted mother had beat the child to dead. She The birth mother had then open the case and after 18 years or so the adopted mother finally had her time in jail for murder *(true story)

I think it would have to depend on a person's point of view. If they can look beyond their pain and be happy that the child is alive and has a chance at having a good life, then death is worse. If someone has a difficult time, or even can't get past their own pain to see that their child could be happy, then it would probably be the same.

Closure is overrated and rarely fully happens.

ETA: Tish, comparing our answers to other posters, is similar to comparing apples and oranges. Different responders is probably the reason for different responses. I don't believe any of the posters are the same, or at least have changed their mind. I haven't. I believe that a failed adoption can be painful, but no where near the pain of losing a child, either as a bmom or to death and not comparable at all. I do believe that losing a child as a bmom and also to death CAN be comparable, but yet so different, with both being equally painful.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, it must be very painful.

Like Tish, I don't like comparing any situation to death, particularly the death of a child. And like John said, for those of us who have experieced the death of a loved one, closure is for greeting cards. It does not exist. You can move "through it", but for many of us, you'll never get "over it", which I know is also a familiar sentiment to many first moms.

That being said, I also have a huge pet peeve with comparing one person's pain to another's. "This is better than that"." I hurt more than you because". "I could live your life standing on my head, try living mine for awhile..." and so on. You know what you are going through and you know it HURTS. I don't think you need to compare it to anything. It just is.

Best of luck!!!

I think losing a child in death is much worse then adoption. With adoption they are still having a chance at life and giving a couple great joy because they might not have been able to have children. I bet it is hard wondering if that child that was given up was doing this or doing that, but just knowing that they were in a loving family living would make me very happy. My mother put me up for adoption and i'm glad that she didn't have an abortion. I'm very grateful to her, I wouldnt' have the life that I do now. I'm married to a wonderfull man with 2 kids and one more on the way. I hope this helps a little.