how long did you wait until you got married?

Im in my 30's and never been married. I've had 3 relationships that lasted 5 yrs each, and, thank goodness, never tied the knot with any of them. The thing that scares me is, it took 5 yrs to realize that none of them was the one, and I came very close to marriage each time. Things just would eventually change after that time. Im now in a new relationship, and Im not expecting or trying to say this is it, but, naturally, I am hoping deep down that it is. However, I'd like to not have to wait another 5 yrs to make sure as Im not getting any younger. But no matter how I feel, it's still in the back of my mind that "oh no, if I marry this guy in a year or two, eventually it's going to turn sour just like all past relationships." I know that's something I need to work on myself, but my question is, how long did you guys wait and how did you "know" it was the right thing to do to get married.

2008-07-29T09:58:24Z

I'm not rushing myself or putting a deadline on marriage, but , at the same time, I dont want to be alone the rest of my life. The older I get, the more experiences I go through, the pickier I am--as I now know a thousand red flags to watch for. I know this is a good thing, as my judgement is better, but, at the same time, it's a curse bc now Im always looking to find something wrong.

2008-07-29T10:16:56Z

I hear what you all are saying, and I appreciate the advice. And yes, I've dated a number of ppl in btw, it's just those 3 that actually lasted. I'm not looking for perfect, just perfect for me. And I gave my all to the last one, though I know I wasnt perfect either, but in the end he turned his back on me, which Id never have thought would have happened. That was really destructive, and has a lot to do with why Im so skeptical now, but I know I cant keep imagining these qualities on every guy I come across. There really are great men out there, and so far, I've got one. It's just that neg voice that keeps saying "you just wait, something's going to happen to destroy this" that I want to shut up. Counseling probably would be a good idea for me so I can stop overanalyzing every detail and just enjoy and let life take its course.

Gorgeous2008-07-29T10:15:43Z

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It is very interesting to me that your previous relationships both ended at the 5 year mark. Did you know that scientists have isolated a hormone that cause men and women to be attracted to each other that fades round about the 5 year mark, sometimes earlier? If you are waiting for the perfect "attraction" physically for a relationship to work, you'll never find it. For a relationship to work you should be finding other things that will last and someone who is as willing as you to invest in the relationship.

There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship or "perfect" guy. Trust your instinct about who you date. You've been dating long enough you should be able to recognize what you like and who you can trust. Don't wait for things to be perfect before you'll allow yourself to love someone fully. And don't keep waiting to make the "right" choice. there is no such thing as the "right" or "perfect" choice when it comes to who you love. When you do finally choose, choose someone who you like, love, respect, and with whom you are happy--someone you like spending time with--someone who shares similar values as you. You can't expect anything but that after 5 years "things change". Things always change. Just make sure you're with someone you don't mind changing with. Good luck to you.

Got married to my husband after knowing him for 2 months. Just had our 4 year anniversary and we're still doing great.

Perdendosi2008-07-29T10:04:56Z

I waited about 6 months. I'm also 30.
I had a two year long relationship in college, and it went south.
But the thing I'm wondering about is how you view relationships. People are imperfect and people change. When you're in a relationship, you either have to accept imperfection and be flexible enough with (at least most kinds of) change to work through it, or you can't stay in the relationship. That's what marriage is about, IMO. And I love my fiancee, but I also know that we can work whatever it is out as we go forward. She's not perfect (and I'm sure she would readily admit that I'm not perfect, nor even perfect for her, either), but we know that and grow with it. Our relationship just keeps getting stronger because of it, I think.

Waiting 5 years to get married is just a self-fulfilling prophecy for destruction. Either commit to the person for life, and be willing to work through whatever comes (even if you're not particularly happy for relatively short periods) or not.

That's the best advice I can give. Maybe my perspective will change in 5 years, but well, ask again in 2013!

goodbye, goodbye.2008-07-29T10:05:19Z

I don't think it's really much as to how LONG it took the two to see that they wanted to spend the rest of their life together. But mostly because it felt right. However most do take 4-6 years. maybe sooner but like I said it depends on the couple. In my opinion you worry too much, haha, cute but seriously.. you need to let things flow into place. Although I can see where you are coming from. But that was my best advise, ignore that negative voice and just have a great time with the guy and if you see flaws, and you really cared for him you can over pass it. I think that;'s when you know, you actually care for someone.

Anonymous2008-07-29T10:05:28Z

Ur to picky, people can't be perfect. I'm in a relationship of five years and we were in the edge of stop the relationship but is about having pacience, sacrifice some things, not be proud... if you keep being to picky every 5 years you'll change bf and in some point you wont be able to find another guy. But wait, it doesnt mean that you have to marry the first guy just to not being alone.

Ityegirl2008-07-29T10:09:42Z

I strongly and seriously suggest you get counseling first. You have issues you must deal with first before you can put your trust into someone else. I am not trying to put you down, but your anxiety is obvious. Get to the root of that before making any decisions.

There is no time line and everyone is different. Do not base your life on what others have done. If you don't feel confident that you want to spend the rest of you life with someone than YOU are not ready.

Simple question--Have you had a serious and open discussion about this with your S.O.?

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