Afraid of Marriage...married people please read and answer questions?
First off, I'm a 40 yr old man who's never been married. 15 yrs ago I was engaged but fiancee cheated so that ended. Up until a month ago, I was in a serious relationship I thought was headed for marriage but, once again the woman screwed up by lying to me about things and found out she wasn't the person i thought she was. Thats over with.
I've dated alot over the years in between those relationships but never could find the right one for me. All the women I meet seem to be either gold diggers or have bi-polar disorder, or they cheat, or we have nothing in common or they drink and party too much or something. I want someone simple, down to earth, faithfull and affectionate and doesn't act like a teenager! Most women I meet seem to be raging alcoholic, attention seekers who like to hang out with girlfriends and act like their single when they aren't. They think they should be just like the girls in the TV show Sex and the City. That show is a terrible influence btw.
The sanctity of marriage just seems like a joke to me, I mean 2 people loving & respecting each other while being totally faithfull for the rest of their lives seems like a fantasy rather than reality. Divorce has become an epidemic in this country.
QUESTIONS: For you that are married for number of years:
1. Do you still love your spouse the same as you did when you first got married? 2. Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive and do you have regular sex? 3. Has marriage become mundane and do you feel tired of coming home to the same person every day? Do Kids kill the romance? 4. Do arguments and old grudges distance you from your spouse to the point that you wish you were divorced? 5. When you go out with friends of same sex without your spouse, do you contemplate whether or not to cheat if you could get away with it? 6. Have you cheated and why?
These are some of the things that SCARE ME TO DEATH about marriage. I guess it's divorce I've always been most scared of. Most of my friends are divorced and warn me to never get married.
Thanks.
Anonymous2008-08-21T11:37:29Z
Favorite Answer
1. Do you still love your spouse the same as you did when you first got married? No, I love her much more deeply than I did then. What we have now is a mature love that feels very secure and steady.
2. Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive and do you have regular sex? Yes, I do think she's sexy and we have sex usually 2 or 3 times per week.
3. Has marriage become mundane and do you feel tired of coming home to the same person every day? You say "mundane" like it's a bad word, but I think of it as a lack of drama. I like my life and my family. I look forward to going home every day.
Do Kids kill the romance? Nope, our 15 year old gives us the "Ewww, quit it you guys," when we make out too much, but we don't care.
4. Do arguments and old grudges distance you from your spouse to the point that you wish you were divorced? This was a point of contention in our past, but we were able to overcome it. If you work at resentments, they can be overcome and laid to rest. As for arguing, we generally handle our disagreements maturely and cooperatively.
5. When you go out with friends of same sex without your spouse, do you contemplate whether or not to cheat if you could get away with it? I do not. That's kind of a strange question, actually. Maybe it's strange to me because I don't think of going out without my wife. We have couples friends that we sometimes do things with, but married people have no business going to bars and clubs without their spouses.
6. Have you cheated and why? I did cheat on my wife many years ago, because I was selfish and emotionally immature. The trauma I put us through forced me to grow up a lot, and I consider myself to be a much better man now who earned his wife's forgiveness. For forgiving me, she has my eternal gratitude.
First off, I have to tell you that my initial reaction to the (very) brief background you gave was that you may be expecting impossible perfection. Leaving that aside for a moment, let me answer your questions.
First, I've been married to my highschool sweetheart for 20 years now.
1. The same? No. I love her more, and in a deeper way, with a few less stars and fireworks and a lot more satisfaction and calm comfortable happiness.
2. I find her very sexually attractive, and we have sex about three times a week, and have "great sex" maybe once or twice a month. Even when we don't have sex, snuggling and making out are still enough to keep those home fires burning, as it were.
3. a. Marriage has not become mundane or tiresome, but it has, in fact, become comfortable and comforting. I miss her if I have to go out of town, and I enjoy the familiarity and comfort of our routine when I'm home. I also love the fact that after all these years, I still don't have her completely figured out, and she still surprises me pretty frequently. b. We have a total of five kids, and they DO put a strain on the relationship, just in terms of time and energy and focus. However, as they get older, that strain can diminish, and in most all ways, having kids has forged a closer, stronger bond between us.
4. I forgive and forget. Thankfully, she does too. When we have an issue, or somone's feelings get hurt, we talk it through and make up, and adjust our behavior, and then forget it. No, I've never seriously contemplated getting a divorce.
5. Nope. I'm an old guy, and the only sort of female that might tempt me at all are ones who wouldn't look at me twice. Moreover, and much more importantly, while it's fun to look, I'd never risk what I have for a few hours of sweaty wrestling with some girl. Same thing as driving drunk. It's just not worth the risk and the pain.
6. I have. I was deployed to Saudi Arabia during the First Gulf War, and I had been there for near seven months, and was terribly lonely and miserable. I knew the ground war was coming, and nobody knew what would happen, but we were told (as the point element of the Marine forces driving into Kuwait) that we should expect 40% casualties. I was terrified, alone, and pretty sure I might never see home or family again, and would never have a chance to....connect to another human being. She was a navy NCO, and we were thrown together for a few days fixing a supply issue, and....we both sort of clung to each other right from the start. It was stupid and selfish, and I felt horrible about it afterward, and I admitted it as soon as I could look my wife in the eye. Thank all the Gods above, she forgave me, and admitted a similar slip at about the same time while I was away. I forgave her, too, and we've been very happy since.
So there's the thing. Marriage means forgiving other's failures and faults, and moving on. Nobody is perfect, and if you go out looking for perfection, I fear you'll never find it.
1. Do you still love your spouse the same as you did when you first got married?
Still Yes - the Same - No 2. Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive and do you have regular sex? Yes - not regular enough for me! 3. Has marriage become mundane and do you feel tired of coming home to the same person every day? Do Kids kill the romance? Mundane sometimes because life is busy and it's hard to find TIME for fun it seems. BUT NO kids haven't killed any romance. That's either there or it isn't. 4. Do arguments and old grudges distance you from your spouse to the point that you wish you were divorced? We seldom argue and I don't old grudges - so no. 5. When you go out with friends of same sex without your spouse, do you contemplate whether or not to cheat if you could get away with it? NO, I seldom go out without my husband. I don't think that's wise if done regularly especially. It puts people in positions where they make unwise and inappropriate decisions. WHen you are married you should be with THEM not living a single life with single people. Go out with groups & couples not single friends.
Don't be afraid of marriage. It can be a wonderful thing but it isn't perfect any more than ANY ONE PERSON is either. Just don't settle. You need to meet women is places where NICE WOMEN are.... that is tricky these days as well I think. A good, positive, healthy, sharing, unselfish relationship should be what you seek and demand in a long term relationship. Don't give up but don't give in or settle either.... I didn't marry til I was 30 and have been married 21 yrs now. Marriage is TOUGH even in the best of situations - but it's worth the investment if it's the right person.
Well, I've only been with my husband for about 4 years... Don't know if it qualifies as a "number" of years, but here's my two cents.
1) I love him more now than when we got married. With each passing year, I love him more, not less.
2) Sex has never been a big part of our relationship, and it's ok with me. It's not an issue for either of us.
3) Quite the opposite - I look forward to coming home every day; I feel happy if I see his car in the driveway when I get home, and I feel a little disappointed if he gets delayed at work. It's a joy to come home to the same person every day. Can't answer about the kids - we don't have any - but both of my parents say that the happiest time of their marriage was when my brother and I were growing up.
4) No, we solve our conflicts quickly, and don't hold grudges.
5) No, I don't plot to cheat or get away with anything; if I happen to go out without my spouse (which doesn't happen very often, we prefer doing things together), I just enjoy myself with my friends.
6) No; if we decided to bring other people into the marriage, it would be consensual.
Bottom line, I enjoy the companionship of one "special" person, and I'm willing to take the risks associated with being in a relationship. Yes, it's scary to think that there are no guarantees, and that I might lose this person (be it to an accident, disease or another woman) - but these are acceptable risks to me. I try to focus on the here and now, and the "here and now" for us are enjoyable. Even if I were to lose my husband in the future, it would not invalidate the happy years we spent together. I had been divorced twice before - yes, it can be hard, but it's something I know I can get over. I'm willing to take my chances. Whether or not you are is up to you to decide. You don't *have* to get married, you know.
1. Do you still love your spouse the same as you did when you first got married? YES. More, actually. 2. Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive and do you have regular sex? YES. More, actually. 3. Has marriage become mundane and do you feel tired of coming home to the same person every day? NO. Who else would I want to come home to? Do Kids kill the romance? NO. But they make you work a bit to keep it going. 4. Do arguments and old grudges distance you from your spouse to the point that you wish you were divorced? NO. We talked those out a long time ago. 5. When you go out with friends of same sex without your spouse, do you contemplate whether or not to cheat if you could get away with it? NO. No honor in that. 6. Have you cheated and why? NO. No honor in that.
Your friends warn you not to get married. Hide and watch them get married again. (Or you've got such a sourball bunch of friends that it's a mercy they don't marry again.)